Howard Wolowitz Quotes Page 1 of 46

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Quote from the episode The Tangerine Factor

Howard: You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.

Quote from the episode The Anxiety Optimization

Howard: I invented a game. Want to play?
Leonard: Sure.
Howard: It's called Emily or Cinnamon. I give you actual quotes I've heard Raj say, and you guess if he was talking to his girlfriend or his dog.

Quote from the episode The Itchy Brain Simulation

Howard: So you can never take it (the sweater) off?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Not even to sleep?
Leonard: No.
Howard: So you're just an idiot?
Leonard: It's called proving a point.
Howard: Is the point you're an idiot?

Quote from the episode The Fortification Implementation

Howard: Settle this. Those little animated pictures on the Internet, are they called "gifs" or "jifs"?
Leonard: Well, the G stands for "graphics." That's a hard G, so I'd say "gif."
Raj: What? The guy who invented it says it's "jif."
Howard: I'm sorry, do you mean the guy or the juy?

Quote from the episode The Proton Displacement

Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not cry.
Howard: That's true, you'd rust.

Quote from the episode The Colonization Application

Howard: How are the taxes going?
Bernadette: Okay, but you've got a lot of receipts for the Lego store in here.
Howard: Those are business expenses. You can write those off.
Bernadette: A $200 R2-D2 is a business expense?
Howard: Oh, Bernie, you're gonna have to sound a lot more confident when we get audited.

Quote from the episode The Thanksgiving Decoupling

Penny: Howard, cow tipping - real or not?
Howard: I'm going to say not. That's just based on me trying to roll my mom over when she's snoring.

Quote from the episode The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Penny: (Whispers) Here she comes.
Howard: Smart. Whisper so the deaf chick doesn't hear you!

Quote from the episode The Relationship Diremption

Raj: We have to go over some ground rules about Emily.
Howard: Like when it turns out she's made of rubber, I don't say anything?
Raj: She's very real.
Howard: That's what it says on the box. Right next to dishwasher safe.

Quote from the episode The Hawking Excitation

Howard: Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you?
Sheldon: To go to Jewish heaven.
Howard: Jews don't have heaven.
Sheldon: To avoid Jewish hell?
Howard: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell.

Quote from the episode The Fortification Implementation

Josh: So, I have to ask, was the robot sexy?
Howard: It was actually just a mechanical hand.
Josh: 'Cause that's all you need, right?
Howard: You are my brother.

Quote from the episode The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary

Bernadette: Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you had a healthy lunch?
Howard: My mother calls me every day at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.

Quote from the episode The Gorilla Dissolution

Bernadette: Maybe we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs.
Howard: You mean a fork lift?

Quote from the episode The Rhinitis Revelation

(Howard has just told Mary about his upcoming trip to the International Space Station.)
Mary Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.
Howard: Nope. She says if I don't back out, she's gonna go on a hunger strike. It'd take years before she'd be in any kind of danger, but still.

Quote from the episode The Financial Permeability

Leonard: OK, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard: Yes, Koothrappali's going to wet himself, I'm gonna throw up, Sheldon's gonna run away and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?

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