Howard Wolowitz Quotes Page 1 of 49

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Quote from the episode The Long Distance Dissonance

Howard: We should call Guinness, that might be a record.

Quote from the episode The Long Distance Dissonance

Leonard: He just made her laugh, something's wrong.
Raj: Do you see the way she's looking at him?
Howard: Yeah. Like Bernadette used to look at me.
Raj: I keep telling you, close the bathroom door.
Leonard: Ah, did you see that? She just touched his hand and he didn't swat it away. What is happening?
Howard: Okay, the simplest explanation is usually the right one.
Raj: Which is?
Howard: That ain't Sheldon.

Quote from the episode The Long Distance Dissonance

Howard: If you'd like, we can help you out.
Leonard: Oh, that would be great.
Howard: I mean, not me, I've got a wife and child, but this one posts video of himself flossing on Instagram.
Raj: It was a tutorial. And yes, I'm happy to keep Sheldon company.

Quote from the episode The Long Distance Dissonance

Leonard: Wait, isn't she the grad student that used to follow him around?
Howard: Oh, yeah. Back before he hit puberty and grew man parts.

Quote from the episode The Gyroscopic Collapse

Howard: I mean, an entire year wasted.
Bernadette: You might be forgetting another accomplishment of the past year.
Howard: Oh. Yeah, yeah, we brought life into the world.
Bernadette: Really? That's the importance you put on us having a baby?
Howard: I'm happy about it, but, I mean, it's not like I did much. I mean, after the first three minutes it was pretty much all you.

Quote from the episode The Gyroscopic Collapse

Leonard: Now, before we field test, I think we --
Howard: What the hell?
Leonard: Where is everything?
Sheldon: Who else has access to this room?
Leonard: It's a secure lab in a classified facility; only the U.S. government and us.
Sheldon: This is very disconcerting.
Howard: But the movie did just get good.

Quote from the episode The Cognition Regeneration

Leonard: So you think it's fine if she works for Zack?
Howard: I don't know. Maybe.
Raj: Well, he is much more attractive than Leonard.
Howard: Yes, but that's gonna be true of a lot of guys she works for.
Leonard: Yeah, but she also used to sleep with Zack.
Howard: Again...

Quote from the episode The Cognition Regeneration

Howard: So the key is, the moment one ball is at the top of its arc, you toss the next one.
Sheldon: Okay, I think I got that.
Howard: Uh, h-hold on. There's an old saying in juggling.
Bernadette: Is it "I'm going to die alone"?
Howard: No, it's "if you want to have fun, start with one." Yours we think, but we do not say.

Quote from the episode The Cognition Regeneration

Howard: Now, this is rare. I don't know which one of you I want to stop talking first.
Sheldon: The theory is that if you really tax your brain, the neurofibers will become thicker and the glial cells more lustrous.
Raj: Like JLo's hair.
Howard: Boy, it is neck and neck right now.

Quote from the episode The Cognition Regeneration

Leonard: We're pinned down!
Howard: We can't get through!
Raj: Sheldon, get over here and help!
Sheldon: Okay, one second.
Leonard: Sheldon, why are you jumping up and down?
Sheldon: I'm trying to shoot.
Howard: Then use the shoot button, not the "wonderful thing about Tiggers" button!

Quote from the episode The Cognition Regeneration

Howard: Okay, challenge them again.
Leonard: Doing it right now. Oh, they can't. There's an important Little League game tomorrow.
Howard: No wonder they beat us, they're jocks.

Quote from the episode The Separation Agitation

Stuart: Guess who's home from day care?
Howard: It's Halley. Unless somebody else put an "X" on the bottom of their kid's foot.
Bernadette: You realize they called when you took her.
Howard: (singsongy) Guess who's home from the aquarium?

Quote from the episode The Separation Agitation

Bernadette: Okay, sweetie, Mommy's gonna go to work now, so you have fun today.
Howard: I told her if day care is anything like prison, find the biggest baby and knock him out.

Quote from the episode The Separation Agitation

Bernadette: It would be nice to raise Halley to be a little more independent than you were.
Howard: I guess. It wasn't until college that I learned you can put a thermometer in your mouth.
Stuart: On that charming note, dinner is served.

Quote from the episode The Separation Agitation

Howard: Should we get lunch or you want to eat at the zoo?
*Bernadette and Stuart staring at their phones*
Howard: (imitating Bernadette):"Oh, Howie, I don't need food as long as I can look at my phone."
Bernadette: I don't like when you imitate me.
Howard: You want to hear my Stuart? (imitating Stuart) "It's been a while since I've gone on a date.
You mind if we watch the monkeys doing it?"
Stuart: I said that to you in confidence.

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