Bernadette: It would be nice to raise Halley to be a little more independent than you were.
Howard: I guess. It wasn't until college that I learned you can put a thermometer in your mouth.
Stuart: On that charming note, dinner is served.

Raj: Well, what is it? What did you give them?
Leonard: Oh, i-it's just this dumb crystal wand that Howard and Bernadette gave us for our wedding. Penny and I made each other miserable trying to figure out what it was, and we thought, "Why not pass that fun along to Sheldon and Amy."
Raj: Wait a minute. Did-- did you give them the crystal chakra wand that I gave you for your wedding?
Howard: Yeah, that's exactly what we did.
Raj: You said you liked it!
Howard: Yeah, that's exactly what I said.

Bernadette: I just don't know what the right thing to do is. If I go back to work, I'm abandoning Halley. If I don't go, I'm giving up everything I worked for. It's like there's no right choice.
Howard: Look, I don't know what the best decision is, either. But whatever we choose, if we're not happy, we can undo it.
Bernadette: I guess.
Howard: And the best part is: Halley won't remember a thing. (laughs) Babies are cute, but they're dumb.
(chuckles) I mean, I go like this, she thinks I'm gone. Then magically I'm back. I mean, honestly, why are we saving for college?
Bernadette: I'm not crazy about you calling our baby dumb.
Howard: Well, she gets it from me.

Bernadette: What if she likes the people who work there more than us?
Howard: She already likes soap bubbles more than us.

Bernadette: So you wanted to learn something physical and you came to Howard Wolowitz?
Howard: Hey, the circus arts are very physically and mentally demanding. Have you ever tried to juggle?
Bernadette: Yes, I'm juggling my love for you and my embarrassment of you right now.
Howard: And it's hard, isn't it?

Bernadette: So what happens next?
Howard: Phase two: we test it, perfect it, and hope to live long enough to see the movie based on our lives starring more attractive versions of us.

Bernadette: Want me to put on some Neil Diamond? That always makes you feel better.
Howard: No. You'll get all sexed up, and I'm not in the mood.

Raj: What just happened?
Howard: A stranger just lured Sheldon away with a candy bar.

Howard: Hey, what's for dinner?
Bernadette: Meatloaf.
Howard: (half-heartedly) Oh, cool.
Bernadette: Stuart made it.
Howard: (upbeat) Oh, cool.

Howard: You should be happy someone wants to do the stuff with Penny you don't want to.
Bernadette: Yeah, I wish I had that with Howard.
Howard: Wait. What? What do I make you do?
Bernadette: Let's see: the magic store, the Doctor Who convention, the National Belt Buckle Collector's meet and greet.
Howard: It said right there on the invitation, "Buckle up for fun." It's not my fault you didn't listen.

Howard: There's Leonard. I'll bet he's having a rough day.
Raj: Let's just try to be supportive.
Sheldon: Supportive? He publicly maligned the love of my life, Lady Physics.
Howard: You might not want to mention that to Lady Fiance.

Sheldon: More to the point, it's about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.
Howard: Oh, I don't think you can.
Sheldon: Well, why not?
Howard: Look at Leonard's record. 27 days with Joyce Kim.
Raj: During which she defected to North Korea.
Howard: Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.
Raj: For which she awarded him the nickname "speed of light Leonard."
Howard: And a three hour dinner with Penny.
Raj: Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.
Howard: Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.

Stuart: But I am ready to be helpful. In fact, I'm gonna go vacuum.
Bernadette: Actually, I just did that this morning.
Stuart: Okay, then I'll dust.
Bernadette: I did that, too.
Stuart: Then I'll check the batteries in the smoke detectors.
Bernadette: Howard just did that.
Howard: Yeah, let him do it.

Bernadette: Howie, it's in poor taste.
Howard: No, it's not. Check it out. He says fun stuff.
Remote Control Stephen Hawking: Hey good lookin', want to go for a spin? (Howard spins the toy around)
Howard: His eyes also light up in the dark.

Penny: What are you guys doing?
Leonard: Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight. We're reading the reviews.
Penny: Oh. How'd he do?
Howard: Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.