Sheldon: Thank you for your services, gentlemen. I'm hoping to broaden our audience with your youthful rock and roll music.
Howard: (chuckling) Aw, you think you have an audience, that's funny.

Sheldon: No, I have the feeling that she's hiding something.
Leonard: I wouldn't worry about it. She's probably just distracted by work.
Sheldon: Well, whatever it is, it's troubling me. I can't eat, I can't sleep. And don't even ask about the consistency of my bowel movements.
Howard: You heard him, guys, don't ask.

Howard: Here he comes.
Leonard: Right. Be polite.
Sheldon: I know how to behave.
Howard: Do you?

Bernadette: Howie, it's in poor taste.
Howard: No, it's not. Check it out. He says fun stuff.
Remote Control Stephen Hawking: Hey good lookin', want to go for a spin? (Howard spins the toy around)
Howard: His eyes also light up in the dark.

Penny: What are you guys doing?
Leonard: Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight. We're reading the reviews.
Penny: Oh. How'd he do?
Howard: Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.

Stuart: But I am ready to be helpful. In fact, I'm gonna go vacuum.
Bernadette: Actually, I just did that this morning.
Stuart: Okay, then I'll dust.
Bernadette: I did that, too.
Stuart: Then I'll check the batteries in the smoke detectors.
Bernadette: Howard just did that.
Howard: Yeah, let him do it.

Leonard: Okay, look, Sheldon, the Colonel wants us to make the guidance system smaller, and we can't do it without you.
Sheldon: Interesting. So I was right.
Howard: Open a window. It's about to get smug in here.

Leonard: (electrical crackling) What is that?
Howard: I don't know, but if he yells, "It's alive," we run.

Bernadette: Howie, you promised you'd move.
Howard: And I will.
Penny: Yeah, right.
Howard: I will. I'm obviously not going to live in my mother's house for the rest of my life. I'm not a child.
Penny: I've seen her burp you.
Howard: She did not burp me. She was patting me on the back, and I happened to burp.

Raj: It's nice to think that you grew up in this room and now your daughter's going to as well.
Howard: Mm. I hope she has the same amount of sex in it I did. None.

Amy: Now, I'm gonna look at some pictures to prompt an emotional response, and we'll see if the machine can identify them accurately.
Howard: Okay, remember, it can only detect happy, sad, angry and excited. Not other things you're feeling, like, "What have I done with my life?"

Raj: I did do that. I can be insensitive to other people's boundaries. Howard, would you write that down?
Howard: "Schmuck." Got it.

Emily: Ooh, I'm not sure I'm comfortable sharing details about our relationship in front of Howard.
Raj: Oh. He's here to support me, so anything you have to say you can say in front of him.
Emily: Okay. Well, whenever you and I were in bed-
Raj: Howard, get out.
Howard: Not a chance.

Emily: You know, the same thing happened to me. After I broke up with Raj, I met Gary, who's just amazing.
Howard: Sorry, is that "Gary" with one R or two?
Raj: Would you stop writing?!

Raj: Okay, maybe we should just end this.
Howard: Wait, hang on. I just want to point out to everyone here, this is a man who is going to great lengths to better himself. Even at the risk of being humiliated. And I, for one, think that's very brave.
Raj: Thank you, Howard.
Emily: Honestly, I'm surprised you two didn't wind up together.
Howard: Well, like you gals, I had to suffer through him to find Bernadette.