Howard: No, it's okay, it's your Millenium Falcon. You and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening.

Dimitri: Hey, Froot Loops. You got a phone call.
Howard: Who is it?
Dimitri: A woman who says she's your mother but sounds like your father.

Howard: Okay. Okay, I know you're upset, but let me share something I've learned since I got here. You realize how small your problems are when you're looking down on them from space. Now, come on, that's got to make you feel better.
Bernadette: How clear is the image of me on that screen?
Howard: Pretty clear.
Bernadette: Do I look like I feel better?
Howard: I mean, it's not, like, HD quality.

Howard: And was your card the jack of diamonds?
Penny: Oh, unbelievable! Know how he did it yet?
Sheldon: Umm...
Penny: Aww, he has the same look my little nephew gets when he can't figure out how I got his nose.
Howard: You know, I have some remedial magic tricks that might be more your speed. Like, ooh, look! The pencil's rubber!

Sheldon: It's not cool. It's a childish trick designed to confuse and intrigue simpletons. How'd you do it?
Howard: A magician never reveals his secrets. But surely a future Nobel prize winner can figure it out.
Sheldon: Fine. Give me a second.
Howard: You ever notice when he thinks real hard, it smells like bacon?

Penny: Look, can't you just let him play with you until bedtime?
Leonard: We're not playing. This is real work.
Howard: We're going to be hundred-aires.

Howard: Ma, Ma, calm down. Listen to me. I know it says click with the mouse, but on a laptop, the trackpad is the mouse. Now, put your finger on it. Doesn't matter which finger. Good choice. Now move it down to your e-mail icon. Yeah, the little envelope. What do you mean, what does it look like? It looks like an envelope! Fine, you don't like the computer, don't use it! Sure, we can exchange it for a salad spinner. Goodbye!

Raj: Guys, help me.
Howard: Sheldon, come on.
Leonard: Yeah, it's just one sneeze. (Raj sneezes again) You're on your own.
Howard: See you, buddy.

Raj: You know what? Even though I don't have a girlfriend, I can still have a good time on Valentine's Day.
Howard: Trust me, you can't. I've tried.
Raj: No, no, no, I’m going to have a me day. First I’m going to go to one of those spas in Koreatown, take a steam and get a massage. Then I’m going to stop at a pet store and get licked by puppies.

Howard: That's not true. My happiness is not dependent on my best friend being miserable and alone.
Raj: Thank you.
Howard: Although, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little bit of a perk.

Howard: Oh, guys, I just remembered. I got you some Hawking souvenirs.
Leonard: What are these?
Howard: Gears and springs from his wheelchair. Pretty cool, huh?
Raj: Wow, that's amazing.
Howard: Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went.

Howard: All right, Sheldon. There's only one thing left I want you to do. Don't worry, it's an easy one.
Sheldon: Okay.
Howard: Give me a compliment.
Sheldon: Fine. You have very tiny hands.
Howard: No, about my job. I want you to tell me I'm good at what I do.
Sheldon: You're obviously good at what you do.
Howard: Well, then why are you always ripping on me?
Sheldon: Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It's just that what you do is not worth doing.
Leonard: It's nicer than anything he's ever said to me. I'd take it and run.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.

Howard: What's the matter?
Bernadette: Every time I spend the night, your mom slaps me on the behind and says, go get 'im.
Howard: It's not her fault. She's getting hormone replacement therapy. Makes her crazy horny.

Howard: I'll give your paper to Professor Hawking.
Sheldon: Great, thank you. Oh, that's terrific.
Howard: But in exchange, I'd like you to do a few things for me.
Sheldon: What kinds of things?
Howard: Are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules?
Sheldon: Of course.
Howard: You should be so lucky.

Howard: Here is a black light to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room.