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Quote from the episode The Fortification Implementation

Penny: Okay, look, would it make you feel better if I did something dumb like sneak out of work one day to go audition for a Kevin Smith movie?
Leonard: That would be great, thank you!
Wil Wheaton: I'm just going to jump in here real quick. Leonard, a moment ago, you were dead set against Penny resuming her acting career, but now you're all for it. Is it fair to say that she played you like a violin?
Leonard: Yes, it is, Wil.

Quote from the episode The Fortification Implementation

Penny: What is the harm if I audition?
Leonard: Well, what if you get it?
Penny: I don't know, I make a movie, we could become rich and famous, win an Oscar, a Golden Globe and live an incredibly wonderful life.
Leonard: From a Kevin Smith movie?

Quote from the episode The Communication Deterioration

Raj: You guys know the new discovery class missions that NASA's been working on?
Howard: Yeah.
Raj: Well, they're looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life.
Leonard: When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot.

Quote from the episode The Maternal Combustion

Leonard: Even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You're like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers!
Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as "super weaning"?
Leonard: Yes, you are a super weaner!

Quote from the episode The Commitment Determination

Sheldon: Oh, good. You're here. I need your assistance.
Leonard: Can it wait until I put a Band-Aid on a goat bite?

Quote from the episode The Commitment Determination

Penny: Look, I'm not happy this happened, but I think I can get past it. I mean, we weren't engaged at the time, and it was just kissing.
Leonard: Right. Just kissing. It wasn't even very good. She was a smoker. I'd just been seasick...
Penny: Okay, that's enough. Stop talking.

Quote from the episode The Financial Permeability

Kurt: Where's your back up?
Leonard: I don't need back up, I have right on my side ... and I'm wearing cargo shorts under my pants.

Quote from the episode The Panty Pinata Polarization

Penny: Look, I said I wanted to hurt him, but this?
Leonard: It will shorten the was by five years and save millions of lives.

Quote from the episode The Weekend Vortex

Leonard: Hmm, if it's yogurt that helps ladies poop, I think Raj beat you to it.

Quote from the episode The Killer Robot Instability

Leonard: Okay, don't take this as a criticism but you do have that over exposed to gamma radiation thing going on.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Usually your the easy going Bruce Banner but when you get angry you turn into (makes growling noise).
Penny: I turn into a bear?
Leonard: Gamma radiation, Bruce Banner; you didn't get the Incredible Hulk from that?

Quote from the episode Pilot

Leonard: I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: You're lactose-intolerant.
Leonard: I don't eat it. I just think it's a good idea.

Quote from the episode The Recombination Hypothesis

Leonard: How does a miserable date end in sex?
Penny: I don't know, it's complicated.
Leonard: Well, I'm a pretty smart guy and right now my brain has dibs on the blood supply so give it a go.

Quote from the episode The Killer Robot Instability

Sheldon: This is an auspicious moment, like Robert Oppenhiemer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.
Rajesh: How about, die toaster, die!
Leonard: That'll do it!

Quote from the episode The Cushion Saturation

Penny: Ok, ok, how about this. We tell him somebody broke in?
Leonard: Just to shoot the couch with the paint ball gun?
Penny: I'm sorry, I'll buy it. All those people are on drugs.
Leonard: We can tell him they wanted the couch to stay away from their boyfriend.

Quote from the episode The Bakersfield Expedition

Leonard: Set your phasers to stun. If we vaporize Penny, I'll never get a girlfriend that pretty again.

Quote from the episode The Raiders Minimization

Penny: I just want to know why a five-year-old boy puts on his mom's make-up and wears balloon boobies.
Leonard: They weren't boobies, they were muscles. And the make-up was green, I was pretending to be The Hulk.
Penny: You were wearing her bra.
Leonard: That was to keep my muscles from sagging. Can we please stop talking about this?!

Quote from the episode The Raiders Minimization

Leonard: Did you get to the chapter where she staged the Easter Egg Hunt with no eggs to see how long I'd keep looking? The answer, by the way, June.

Quote from the episode The Table Polarization

Bernadette: It just seems silly for us to sit in two groups.
Leonard: It's not silly if you think of that group as being led by a big, evil baby.

Quote from the episode The Friendship Turbulence

Penny: Come on, let's just get this over with.
Leonard: "Let's just get this over with?" Am I driving you to the Cheesecake Factory or are we having sex?

Quote from the episode The Gorilla Dissolution

Leonard: No, it's too late. I'm your bran muffin. Probably fat free and good for your colon.

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