Rajesh: What are you waiting for?! Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell's heart, stab at him!

Raj: (Mocking Howard) Ooh! Look at me, I don't have a foreskin!

Raj: This is all your fault! I should have listened to MunMun, because I've been playing with a cobra and her name is Penny! Why are you so cruel? Do you enjoy my pain?
Penny: There's a girl at the cheesecake factory I can set you up with.
Raj: I LOVE YOU PENNY!

Sheldon: Wait, I'm confused. Why would you need both a robot girlfriend and a robot prostitute?
Howard: There's just some things you don't do with your robot girlfriend.
Raj: Boy, when you met Bernadette, the field of robotics really took a hit.

Raj: I'm telling you, dude. The only way to feel better about Penny going out with other guys is for you to get back on the whores.

Raj: What's wrong with people? Why don't they stop?
Sheldon: Maybe we're better off. What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?
Leonard: Look at us, Sheldon. We're the crazy people!

Mrs. Koothrappali: You are wearing the boxers we sent you, Rajesh?
Raj: Yes!
Mrs. Koothrappali: Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tighty-whities.
Raj: Can we please stop talking about my testicles?

Raj: If you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with a weapon of indifference, it was all of you!

Raj: (Talking about Howard) Oh, if only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women, or around women, or at times even effeminate men.

Raj: They don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my homerun swing.

Leonard: So it sounds like we need a way to communicate that's simple.
Raj: And doesn't require outside machinery to be built to access it.
Leonard: It's also a problem because we don't even know if the aliens who find this can see. I mean, they might communicate in a totally different way than us.
Raj: Like when my dog is mad at me, she tells me by peeing in my slippers.

Leonard: That would be more helpful if E.T. were real.
Raj: Well, my feelings were real when he was about to die.
Leonard: My God, when he's on the table and they use the paddles on him.
Raj: And he's all white.
Leonard: They zip him up in that bag.
Raj: And Gertie can't stop crying.
Leonard: The flower dies.
Raj: Okay, let's talk about something else.

Sheldon: Look at this. They posted another video. It's not even about science. They're on a celebrity bus tour.
Raj: Those are fun. I went on one and saw Tom Hanks talking to his gardener. He's even nice when you plant the wrong color azaleas.

Leonard: Did your sister say anything when you got home last night?
Raj: Oh, no, don't put me in the middle of this. I'm not going to be your go-between.
Leonard: Come on, help me out. Am I in trouble?
Raj: There's no reason to worry.
Leonard: That's a relief.
Raj: I'm sure many women in happy relationships spend their nights Skyping with their ex-boyfriend Sanjay.

Leonard: Why don't we play this smart? Try a little good goblin, bad goblin.
Priya: Oh, dear Lord.
Howard: Nah, I think we have to be more subtle.
Raj: Okay, I see where this is going. Fine, I'll have sex with him.
Leonard: That's not where it was going.
Raj: Good, because I would hate that.