Raj: Boy, I bet Ellen Page's friends aren't giving her this kind of crap!

Raj: Just think of me as a Brown Martha Stewart.

Raj: How do you sleep in these things? Silk pajamas on satin sheets? I slid out of the bed like 3 times.

Howard: Hang on, honey. Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu Gods against the entire Union army?
Leonard: And Orcs!
Penny: I'll be back.
Raj: Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles, and Shiva is the destroyer. When the smoke clears, Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.

Howard: He has so little self respect and is so desperate for the smallest crumb of affection, she could literally sleep with his own father in his own bed and post the video to YouTube, and he'd still buy her flowers and ask her to be his bride.
Raj: He's right. But in my defense, if we could survive that, we could survive anything.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Raj: Uh, making sure the telescope's camera is white-field balanced.
Sheldon: Hmm. What are you doing now?
Raj: Still making sure the telescope's camera is white-field balanced.
Sheldon: Oh, I see. How about now?
Raj: Now I'm making sure the telescope's camera is white-field balanced and wishing you had a coloring book.

Raj: They asked me what my biggest weakness was, and 45 minutes later, they thanked me for coming.

Howard: So if you think that's creepy, you married the wrong guy.
Bernadette: Maybe I should marry Trent.
Raj: Yeah, like she could get Trent.

Raj: Uncle Howard, Cinnamon's here for her sleepover party.
Howard: You know if you had a stroke, she'd eat you, right?
Raj: And it would be my pleasure to be her num-num.

Raj: Uh, no no, uh, definitely not.
Howard: What was wrong with that guy?
Raj: Uh, he's Indian. We've already got one of those.
Ooh, we should find a nice Latino. Really round us out.

Raj: Hey, make sure you tell him that you weren't home when he came by and that your Indian friend gave you the message the moment you stepped through the door.

Georgie: Where's Mom?
Raj: Uh, she wanted to stop by the hotel and freshen up, and then call her pastor to pray for Missy's soul.

Leonard: Did you hear about this study that found people that were cool and popular at 13 have problems succeeding later in life?
Raj: Hmm. I'm doing okay, and I was very popular at 13.
Penny: In school?
Raj: Oh, no. At home. The servants would sing to me, laugh at my jokes. I wish I knew their names.

Howard: Okay, sure, I can meet with you on Thursday. Caltech is fine. Yeah, and may I ask what this is about? (laughs) I may not?
Raj: (To Bernadette) That's what he said to me!

Leonard: You know, Penny and I aren't the only ones who've broken up. So did Howard and Bernadette.
Raj: Uh, not to brag, but all my breakups have lasted.