Bernadette: And the best part is, Stuart showed it to a publisher friend of his, and they're interested in it.
Raj: That is so cool.
Howard: Absolutely not.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Because I don't want the whole world to know I was the frightened little astronaut!
Raj: Maybe you should've called it The Bitchy Little Astronaut.

Sheldon: Look at this. They posted another video. It's not even about science. They're on a celebrity bus tour.
Raj: Those are fun. I went on one and saw Tom Hanks talking to his gardener. He's even nice when you plant the wrong color azaleas.

Leonard: Those guys are good at self-promoting, so what? No one ever won a Nobel for being nice.
Raj: Yeah, but if they did, do you know who would win one?
Howard: Are you gonna say Tom Hanks?
Raj: He picked up a shovel and helped the guy replant.

Raj: This is nice. All my friends hanging out, watching Ellen. It's like, what am I gonna do with my other two wishes?

Howard: They're still asleep. Apparently, when I put someone down for a nap, they sleep hard.
Raj: That's a weird brag, Howard.

Raj: So, Leonard, what are you gonna do while Penny's away?
Leonard: I don't know. Maybe watch a movie with subtitles.
Sheldon: If you're looking for something outside the norm, I have invented a new chess variant where the bishops can also move like knights.
Raj: What do you call that, Bishops Be Crazy?
Sheldon: First of all, it would be "Bishops Are Crazy."
Raj: Not if you're being crazy.
Leonard: Checkmate.

Raj: You were in Wil's D&D game?
Sheldon: With William Shatner?
Howard: And you didn't tell us?
Leonard: I'm sorry, Wil made me promise not to.
Sheldon: I thought we were friends.
Leonard: Oh, come on, you guys would do the same thing.
Raj: No, we wouldn't! I told you when I was in spin class with Scarlett Johansson.
Leonard: It didn't even turn out to be Scarlett Johansson.
Raj: Well, that's her fault, not mine!

Raj: Look, we know Leonard is out. You need to fill a seat. It should be one of us.
Leonard: Or give me another chance. I think me and Joe Manganiello were really hitting it off.
Howard: Joe Manganiello was there?
Raj: From Magic Mike?

Howard: William Shatner, Kevin Smith. Who else could be there?
Leonard: Do you see what I see over his shoulder?
Howard: Is that a ghost?
Raj: I think it's Stuart.
Sheldon: That is Stuart. What-What's he doing there?
Raj: Maybe he died in Wil's house and he can't leave until he solves his own murder.

Raj: Hey, you guys want to read my fan fiction mash-up, "Captain Marvelous Mrs.
Maisel"?
Penny: Nope.
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Certainly not.
Raj: You don't even know what it's about.
Bernadette: Is it about a superhero who finds her voice by doing stand-up?
Raj: That's so much better than what I had. Mine is just a Jewish girl that flies.
Howard: I'd read that.

Sheldon: Raj, do you have something to add?
Raj: You brought shame upon yourself and your family. It's not funny, but it's true.

Leonard: Look, Sheldon's pretty embarrassed, so when he gets here, we should-
Howard: Make fun of him?
Leonard: A lot.
Raj: Guys, don't you think that's a little mean?
Howard: Yeah.
Raj: Okay, just so we're all on the same page.

Howard: Oh, poor Shatner.
Raj: Poor Shatner? I have to eat lunch now.

Bernadette: We have kids, and it's not smart to put us both in danger.
Raj: That's a good point. When I was little, my parents never flew together. We thought it was because they loved us, but it turns out they hated each other.

Anu: They are definitely your weirdest friends.
Raj: If only that were true.