Howard: Okay, let's try this one. Spherical Hankel function.
Leonard: Hold on. That's it!
Howard: Eureka!
Raj: Hey, we agreed when it was Eureka time, we were all gonna say it together.
Howard: Fine. Let's say it together.
Raj: No. The moment has passed.

Raj: You know, if I made more money, I could take time off from work and give pretty girls submarine rides.
Howard: What's that? Some weird sex thing?
Raj: No. You take pretty girls underwater in your private submarine, and you show them fish. Why does everything have to be dirty with you?

Howard: What the hell are you doing?
Raj: Relax, it's Nyquil.
Leonard: You still have a cold?
Raj: Maybe, but I don't care. That's the great thing about Nyquil, it's like ten-percent booze. I call it the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, so you can talk to girls medicine.

Raj: Oh, my goodness, look at this room! Champagne! Roses! Oh and little chocolates! This is going to be the best Valentine's Day ever.
Leonard: Yeah, I forgot about all this.
Raj: But I never will.

Howard: I'm sorry I couldn't hang with you last night. I had a date with Bernadette.
Raj: I know. I saw the tweet.
Howard: So, what did you end up doing?
Raj: Not much. Nuked a burrito. Prayed to the Hindu god Urvashi that your bowels would loosen and your penis would droop like a willow tree.

Sheldon: This is incredible! I'm so happy, I'm not even going to question their judgment in picking you. I'm just going to run home and start packing.
Raj: Why wouldn't you take Penny?
Leonard: I am taking Penny.
Raj: Oh. Well, then I anticipate an awkward situation when you get home.

Sheldon: Howard, please, I'm begging you.
Leonard: Raj, you're our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?
Raj: Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn't believe in to end his life quickly.

Leonard: You do realize you own his ass right now.
Howard: I do.
Raj: You can make him do anything you want.
Howard: Yeah, I know, I'm just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him.
Raj: Well, don't be too mean.
Sheldon: Hey, fellas, I'm thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.
Raj: I wouldn't mind a glass.
Sheldon: I wasn't talking to you.
Raj: Bring him to his bony knees.

Raj: I keep telling you, if I wasn't an astrophysicist, I would have been a party planner. It was always a coin flip.

Leonard: Where'd you get a beer?
Raj: From that happy young couple over there with all the tattoos. Beautiful story. They're in rival drug gangs, and they're getting married. Shh, no one can know.

Leonard: There's Howard's rocket, live from Kazakhstan.
Bernadette: Oh, God, I'm so nervous. I don't think I can watch.
Raj: Youre nervous? I've been stress-eating for four days. Look at me. I'm wearing my fat pants.

Bernadette: Oh, stop. You know what's really happening? All the movies you've watched, the TV shows, the comic books, they've completely twisted your thinking. No one's after you, no one's listening to you, no one cares about you.
Raj: I'd like to think the Four on Your Side guy cares about me.

Howard: I don't know what to do. It's the Air Force. I mean, should I respond to their e-mail? Ignore it?
Raj: You can't ignore it. It's not that postcard that says it's time to go back to the dentist.

Howard: I'm just afraid if I respond, then they'll know I got it.
Raj: Oh, dude. The minute you opened that e-mail, they knew you got it. I mean, they're probably looking at you through the camera right now. (Howard closes the laptop, Raj re-opens it and looks at the camera) I love America!

Bernadette: Are you done with this nonsense?
Howard: It's not nonsense. This is how the U.S. military works.
Raj: Oh, if it's even the U.S. Military. It could be foreign military pretending to be American.
Howard: You're right. We turn our guidance system over to them, next thing we know, they're using it against us.
Raj: (Raj opens the laptop again) I also love the enemies of America.