Sheldon: *knock knock knock* Penny! *knock knock knock* Penny! *knock knock knock* Penny!
Penny: Sheldon, go away. I'm making a video.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. I'll come back when you're alone.

Leonard: Maybe I'll move in with Penny, or maybe she and I'll take this place and you can move across the hall.
Sheldon: Move across the hall?! Did you take a marijuana?

Sheldon: I see. You're putting your future bride's happiness above mine.
Leonard: Well, yeah!
Sheldon: Wow.

Amy: You know, this might work out for the best. You're always complaining about what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you're not there.
Sheldon: Euck, it's like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping, the awful one with birds and snakes.

Leonard: You having a good day?
Penny: No, I missed an audition because my computer broke, and I didn't get the e-mail. Would've been a perfect part for me.
Sheldon: Was it waitress who ignores her customers? Because that's the role you were born to play.
Penny: Shut up and eat your burger.
Sheldon: Actually, it's a turkey club.
Penny: Didn't you order a burger?
Sheldon: I did, and yet here we are.

Amy: Maybe you'll like living alone.
Sheldon: Perhaps.
Amy: And if you don't, maybe you and I could live together.
Sheldon: Oh, sure! While we're at it, why don't we get engaged, too? Why don't we get a little house, start a family, enjoy our sunset years together? Do you hear yourself woman?!

Amy: I know we only have coitus on my birthday, but I don't know if I can wait until midnight.
Sheldon: Oh, well, you'll be glad you did. Everyone knows the best foreplay is rigid adherence to a strict schedule.

Sheldon: I'm helping you get back on your feet. I would like to purchase this comic book, please.
Stuart: It'll be $2.99.
Sheldon: Really? It's soaking wet.
Stuart: Fine, $1.

Leonard: No, her bed kind of ... broke.
Sheldon: That doesn't seem likely. Her bed's of sturdy construction. Even the addition
of a second normal size human being wouldn't cause a structural failure, much less a homunculus such as yourself.
Penny: A homunculus?
Leonard: Perfectly formed miniature human being.

Penny: What exactly do you think goes on here?
Sheldon: Well, conversations that you wouldn't be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex. You know, who has the best cervix. Which sanitary napkin is all the rage right now. Men's buttocks and how you want to pat and squeeze them.

Sheldon: Did you know that Los Angeles has a little Sri Lanka?
Leonard: I did not.
Sheldon: Well, I do now. They're a lovely people, although terrifying when you wake up face to face with them.

Sheldon: You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you, like a murder or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.

Sheldon: I'm not going to work today. And would you like to know why?
Leonard: You're upset because you spent the whole night working on dark matter and didn't make a break through, and now you're worried you made a huge mistake switching fields, and you're gonna sit around and sulk all day.
Sheldon: Like a big old baby.

Penny: Okay, so Kim, the night manager, went on maternity leave, and her husband's name is Sandy, right? So get this, her replacement is a woman named Sandy whose husband's name is Kim.
Leonard: Wow!
Penny: I know. What are the odds?
Sheldon: Easily calculable. We begin by identifying the set of married couples with unisex names. We then eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work: the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next we look at-
Leonard: Sheldon! It's an amazing coincidence, can we leave it at that?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Ooh, Penny, it's as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches.

Penny: So you and Leonard-
Sheldon: Oh dear God.
Penny: Little misunderstanding, huh?
Sheldon: A little misunder- Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.