Sheldon: A girls night? Oh, I don't know if I'm up for an evening talking rainbows, unicorns and menstrual cramps.

Sheldon: No, thank you. But for the record, I'm an excellent dancer. Proficient in the rumba, waltz and cha-cha.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: I don't see why that's surprising. I excel at so many things. You've had my sourdough bread.

Wil Wheaton: Oh, was that a doorbell?
Amy: I didn't hear anything.
Wil Wheaton: [doorbell rings] Huh, there it is again. Sheldon, why don't you answer it?
Sheldon: But I don't know who it is.
Wil Wheaton: Maybe it's a special guest who I invited just to surprise you. Why don't you open it up and find out.
Sheldon: This is a terrible message to send to children. Children, you never open the door if you don't know who's on the other side. You always make your mommy or daddy do it while you hide under the bed and try to imagine what your superhero name will be when you avenge their deaths.
Amy: I'll get it.
Sheldon: But it can't be the Silver Shadow. That's mine.

Leonard: All right, Sheldon, we're going to Wil's. This is your last chance.
Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say, is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you're going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from Stand By Me that no one remembers.

Sheldon: Eat one of your Luna bars. Very often when women think they're angry, they're really just hungry.

Sheldon: Okay, stop ruining Valentine's day and order my pizza.

Leonard: So, Dennis, how long have you been in America?
Dennis Kim: A year and a half.
Leonard: No kidding. You speak English really well.
Dennis Kim: So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Dennis Kim: That.
Sheldon: He's not wrong.

Sheldon: (Yelling at a mockingbird) And you, the notes are C, D, E, G and A! You pick one or I'm chopping down that tree!

Sheldon: Here's the problem with teleportation.
Leonard: Lay it on me.
Sheldon: Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another.
Leonard: How about that.
Sheldon: Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.
Leonard: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?
Sheldon: No, he would be exactly the same.
Leonard: That is a problem.

Stuart: Yeah, this one made me go for ice cream and talk about her day. Spoiler alert: it was fine.
Amy: It wasn't fine. I got trapped in an elevator.
Sheldon: I may have missed a few details. The bottom of my cone was drippy.

Howard: Okay, Raj, hand me the number six torque screwdriver.
Sheldon: Stop. We can't do this. It's not right.
Raj: Sheldon, you have two choices. Either you let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo, or you delete stuff before we go out of town.
Sheldon: But once you open the box, you've voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we've entered into with the manufacturer. He offers to stand by his equipment, and we in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.
Leonard: Okay, then we wont touch the hard drive. We'll just erase the first season of Battlestar.
Sheldon: (Rips off the sticker) There. We're outlaws.

Penny: He means he's writing a book.
Leonard: I do. It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. Yeah. It's about a brilliant physicist who solves crimes using science.
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard-
Leonard: It's not about you.
Sheldon: He probably has to say that for legal reasons.

Leonard: I would appreciate it if you would, you know, make yourself scarce.
Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be accurately measured by normal tests, how much scarcer could I be?

Sheldon: An article was just published in Scientific American about our theory.
Leonard: Did they hate it?
Sheldon: No, no, they loved it. They couldn't say enough nice things about it.
Leonard: So what's the problem?
Sheldon: You know how the pennysaver only has my name on it?
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: They didn't mention you in the article, only me.
Leonard: Really?
Sheldon: I know. It's not fair. *massages Leonard's shoulders* Let the anger go, buddy. You just, you relax all your muscles, except for your pubococcygeus and anal sphincter. Let's keep those going.

Sheldon: Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in all the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?