Sheldon: I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket clubcard. Do you have any idea the kind of coupons I'm going to get in the mail now?

Leslie: I didn't know you eat here.
Sheldon: We don't, this is a disturbing aberration.

Sheldon: Oh well, there were plenty of ways to pass the time before smart phones were invented.
Leonard: That's true.
Sheldon: *Goes to grab phone* Son of a biscuit!

Sheldon: I can just picture them right now at Feynman's house. Probably discussing Schrodinger, and at the same time not discussing Schrodinger.
See, they're missing out on hilarious jokes like that.

Sheldon: I'm looking forward to him teaching us glove-slapping.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: You know, when my honor is insulted, and I need to challenge someone to a duel by slapping them across the face with my glove.
Leonard: When was your honor insulted?
Sheldon: My last physical.
Leonard: Again, that doctor didn't insult your honor. Just checked your prostate.

Sheldon: And you, give my regards to Barnum and Bailey.

Sheldon: I call this meeting of the Council of Sheldons to order. Let's take roll. Science Sheldon?
Science Sheldon: Present.
Sheldon: Texas Sheldon?
Texas Sheldon: Howdy.
Sheldon: Fanboy Sheldon?
Fanboy Sheldon: Greetings.
Sheldon: Germaphobe Sheldon?
Germaphobe Sheldon: Say it, don't spray it.
Humorous Sheldon: Where's Jock Sheldon?
Sheldon: Not the time, Humorous Sheldon!

Leonard: Buddy, I know me moving in with Penny feels like a big change, but it's not.
Sheldon: How can you say that? Amy's gone, and you two are married now, so it's only a matter of time before you're gone, too.
Penny: Okay, you don't know what's gonna happen.
Sheldon: No, I do. Eventually you'll want more space and you'll move into a house. And then instead of dinner a couple of times a week, it'll only be a couple of times a month. And then it'll only be on special occasions, like when Bernadette divorces Wolowitz.
Or-or-or like when Koothrappali's weird girlfriend admits where she buried his body.
Or Amy's wedding, where she's marrying someone better than me.

Sheldon: What a wonderful day, thank you.
Penny: Oh, we're glad you had fun.
Sheldon: Blue Icees and a trip to The Container Store? It's like I died and went to the post-mortem, neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.

Sheldon: Can't talk. Spit ball. Probably gonna die.

Sheldon: There's Amy. I just know you're gonna hit it off. You both have the same fashion sense.

Dr. Lorvis: I was hoping to impress her by tracking her down on the Internet and then showing up announced at her door.
Sheldon: Making the extra effort. Good for you.

Sheldon: I never told you about my brother's kidney stones. Do you want hear about everything that comes out of my family's genitals?

Sheldon: I'm quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.

Sheldon: Well, she's due to tomorrow. But it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows.