Abby: Hey that's pretty cool, what is it?
Sheldon: It's a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.
Abby: You're very funny. I'm Abby.

Sheldon: Have you chosen one to copulate with?

Sheldon: Well, if you're hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can't help you. I have been informed he is now Bill Nye, the Restraining Order Guy.

Sheldon: How are those nipples feeling, chief?

Sheldon: I've been studying how to make people laugh. They say comedy is tragedy plus time. *Looks at his watch and gets up* Let's tickle some ribs!

Sheldon: To this day I still get a monthly copy of "Granny on Granny". Which other than its surprisingly fun puzzle page is complete filth.

Bernadette: You excited for Texas?
Sheldon: Oh, very much so.
Howard: It's not everyday you get to tour NASA with a real astronaut.
Sheldon: Ohh, who's the real astronaut?
Howard: ... Buzz Aldrin.
Sheldon: Oh, yay!

Psychic: Does she have dark hair?
Penny: Yes, yes. Your spirit guides are on fire!
Sheldon: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you at one time.

Psychic: Does she work in a similar field to you?
Sheldon: Hah, the opposite. I'm a physicist and she's a neurobiologist. My spirit guides can go suck an egg.

Sheldon: I thought that subject had run its course, so I changed it. It's called reading the room, Amy.

Sheldon: Quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare, I've learned not to sweat the small stuff.

Amy: You hate the sound of all those keys on his keychain.
Sheldon: Four keys! Who does he think he is? A warden?

Sheldon: You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I'm sure those cool ranch Doritos are doing the trick.

Sheldon: So your solution is to promote me and pay me more money, so I can impart my knowledge to the next generation of scientists?
Mrs. Davis: Yes.
Sheldon: You people are sick.

Howard: Guess what, engineers are just as smart as physicists.
Sheldon: Oh! You take that back!