Mary Cooper: Oh, what's going on?
Sheldon: She broke up with me.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Shelly.
Sheldon: Well, I'll be okay. But I think I'd like to send the ring back to you.
Mary Cooper: Let's not be hasty. Are you sure it's over for good?
Sheldon: It's over for me. I'm done with women. Like when I swore off Pop Rocks, they both hurt you on purpose.

Sheldon: You know, Amy, I don't understand. Are we broken up or not? It's like you can't make up your mind.
Amy: It's because you're not giving me any space to think.
Sheldon: Well, you should think fast. Because men can sire offspring their entire life, but those eggs you're toting around have a sell-by date.

Sheldon: I didn't want to come in. I was told it would make everyone uncomfortable. So I'll just stay out here and pretend I don't need to go to the bathroom.

Amy: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: When last we spoke, you said you needed time.
Amy: It's only been eleven hours.
Sheldon: The Lord of the Rings trilogy was nearly eleven hours. I made you watch that, you said it was an eternity.

Sheldon: You seem to be headed somewhere. May I walk with you?
Amy: Sure.
Sheldon: Boy, I'm glad we're going out again.
Amy: We're not back together.
Sheldon: Why? Is there someone else? Just couldn't wait for that first notch on your bed post. Could you?

Sheldon: Oh, you're going to a wedding alone. That's sad.

Sheldon: Your friends? I think you mean my friends. And why wasn't I invited to this?
Amy: Maybe because the two of us being there would make them feel awkward.
Sheldon: We make everyone feel awkward. That's our thing!

Sheldon: Amy's upset? Is it about me?
Leonard: No, I think it's because we're eloping.
Sheldon: Your marriage is causing her pain? You know great, I take it back. Go ahead and do it. Yay for love!

Sheldon: Leonard, have you gotten married yet?
Leonard: No. Why?
Sheldon: Good. Don't do it.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.

Sheldon: Is Penny crying?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Of course not. They thrive on our suffering.

Leonard: Buddy, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Sheldon: Yes. If I ever talk about going out with a girl again, roll your eyes at me, like I do to you when you say dumb things.

Zack: I haven't been to a comic book store in literally a million years.
Sheldon: Literally? Literally a million years?

Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: You stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Good. See how it's done, Leonard?

Sheldon: Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person.

Barber: I can cut it for you.
Sheldon: You're not Mr. D'Onofrio. I get my hair cut by Mr. D'Onofrio. *to Leonard* Can you believe this guy?