Sheldon: You're my 15th favorite technological visionary.
Steve Wozniak: Only 15th?
Sheldon: It's still six spots above Steve Jobs.

Sheldon: The need to find another human being to share one's life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I'm so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own.

Sheldon: I'm writing an appeal to the faculty senate so that I can move on from string theory.
Leonard: How's it going?
Sheldon: You tell me. "Dear esteemed colleagues. As you may know, I have requested to change my field of study. My decision to do so is, I believe, in the best interest of science. At your convenience, I'd be happy to explain it to you in words you'll understand."

Sheldon: A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I'm okay with it, but I'm really not.

Priya: Would you like some homemade chili?
Sheldon: Are there beans in it?
Priya: Yes.
Sheldon: Then it's not chili. Real chili has no beans in it. But you're from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.

Sheldon: (To his spot) Hello, old friend, Daddy's home.

Sheldon: Trust me, if I had a death ray I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.

Penny: Amy doesn't want a pocket watch.
Sheldon: Maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.

Sheldon: It's me, Mrs. Wolowitz.
Howard: That's not my mom, it's Bernadette.
Sheldon: Really? That's very unsettling.

Leonard: It turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
*Sheldon karate chops Leonard*
Leonard: Why did you do that?
Sheldon: To send a message: She is not for you!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Not for you!

Sheldon: Damn you, walletnook.com!
Leonard: Problem?
Sheldon: The online description was completely misleading. They said 8 slots plus removable ID. To any rational person, that would mean room for nine cards. But they don't tell you the removable ID takes up one slot. It's a nightmare!

Sheldon: I'm taking a sabbatical because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.
Penny: So you got canned, huh?
Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get 'canned'. But yeah.

Sheldon: Enjoy the neurobiology conference.
Amy: I will. I wish you were here.
Sheldon: At a neurobiology conference? What a mean thing to say.
Amy: Okay, I'm glad you're not here?
Sheldon: Aww, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.

Sheldon: That's an inexact parallel. You and Leonard can always return to being friends, whereas I can never return to a state in which Wolowitz has not bested me like Mrs. Riley's chicken.
Penny: What's Mrs. Riley's chicken?
Sheldon: A chicken that was owned by Mrs. Riley.
Penny: Okay, forget the chicken.
Sheldon: Well, I wish I could.

Sheldon: See, as you know, a few years ago I achieve one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. Well, from time to time, I notarize banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They're Richie Rich rich.
Penny: Well, so how much is that?
Sheldon: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.