Sheldon: Really? The only time I'm ever picked first for a team and I'm stuck with the liability?

Sheldon: Now to business. Eighteen years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven't I heard back yet?
Agent Page: Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate.
Sheldon: That's of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning faeces off its shoes.

Sheldon: And worse than that, Edison filmed the first on-screen kiss, so he's basically a pornographer. Although every time I put that in Wikipedia, someone takes it out.

Sheldon: Good news, gentlemen. Amy's at a conference this weekend, which means I'm available to be entertained, hmm. As today's youth might put it: Who wants to get their Sheld-on?

Sheldon: You just lied to Penny.
Leonard: Yes, I did.
Sheldon: And you did it so casually. No rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So, lack of physiological response while lying is a characteristic of a violent sociopath.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?
Sheldon: No. I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.

Leonard: Raj, no, it's a trap. They're flanking us!
Raj: Oooh, he's got me.
Howard: Sheldon, he's got Raj. Use your sleep spell. Sheldon! Sheldon!
Sheldon: I've got the Sword of Azeroth!
Leonard: Forget the sword, Sheldon, help Raj.
Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon. I am the Swordmaster!

Sheldon: But ask yourself this, in the course of our lives, how much lunch money has been taken from us? How many kites? How many Scooby-Doo Trapper Keepers?
Raj: I totally had one of those.
Sheldon: Of course you did. It was a fun and practical way of organizing your school work. But the bullies took it from us. Well, no more. Tonight, we take back our dignity, our birthright and our pride.

Howard: So, how do you guys want to play this?
Sheldon: Be ruthless. You tell him if he doesn't start talking, we'll register a complaint with his Internet service provider.
Raj: Sheldon, what if he gets his Internet from his cable company? He could lose his HBO and all their delightful original programming.
Sheldon: I don't care! I'm losin' it, man!

Penny: You may be right about me and Leonard.
Sheldon: Of course I'm right What are the odds I'd be wrong twice in one week?
Penny: No, I mean, we can always go back to being friends.
Sheldon: I just said that. This conversation has started to circle. Meeting adjourned.

Sheldon: You're awfully quiet.
Leonard: Sorry.
Sheldon: No, I like it.
Leonard: Got a lot on my mind.
Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it?
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: Grape Nuts for breakfast, quiet car ride, things are really breaking my way today.

Sheldon: It's not the same thing. I don't think you know how I feel at all.
Leonard: Sad?
Sheldon: Hmm, you do get me.

Bernadette: So your evil plan here is to buy your girlfriend a present?
Sheldon: That's right. So stay on my good side, or maybe I'll get you a little something, too.

Leonard: Fine. You walk up to the house, knock on the door and demand your stuff back. What if he says no?
Sheldon: I don't know if you've been following the news, Leonard, but there have been some terrific advancements in the field of torture.
Leonard: No one's getting tortured.
Sheldon: Fine, we'll abide by the Geneva Convention.

Leonard: How was your day?
Penny: Oh, not good. Still couldn't get in to see Dr. Gallo.
Sheldon: A doctor? Well, I hope you're not contagious. I've got a weekend in the telescope room I've been excited about for almost three minutes.

Sheldon: Leonard, if that Swedish team beats us, I will never be able to enjoy anything from their country again. Which is a shame, because Swedish meatballs are my favorite toothpick-delivered meatball.