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Quote from the episode The Stag Convergence

Stuart: Okay, I'll go. Howard, when I think about you and Bernadette starting this wonderful life together, I can't help but get a little choked up. I mean, look at you. You have everything. Look at me. I'm 37. I sleep in the back of a comic book store, and I have the bone density of an 80-year-old man. To Howard.

Quote from the episode The Loobenfeld Decay

Penny: It's not a big deal, just a one night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents so, you never know.
Sheldon: I think I know.
Leonard: No you don't. He doesn't.

Quote from the episode The Date Night Variable

Raj: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Yeah?
Raj: Do you want to hang out tomorrow night, maybe grab a bite to eat or catch a late movie?
Stuart: Yeah, I'd like to, but I'm a little tight on funds.
Raj: No problem. My treat. I'll swing by after work.
Stuart: Okay.
Raj: Okay.
(After Raj leaves)
Stuart: I could do worse.

Quote from the episode The Date Night Variable

Leonard: You know, it's not exactly glamorous up there. The water that the astronauts drink is made from each other's recycled urine.
Stuart: Must be nice. Nobody wants anything that comes out of me.

Quote from the episode The Bus Pants Utilization

Sheldon: I've loved the theremin from the first moment I heard the original Star Trek theme. And it's been killing me that it just sits in my closet, gathering dust.
Leonard: Sheldon, we're working here!
Sheldon: That's all right. I can barely hear you over my theremin. (Leonard pulls the plug) Well, that was a little uncalled for.
Leonard: No, that was completely called for. We need quiet.
Sheldon: So, your project is more important than mine?
Leonard: Well, seeing as your project is to sabotage my project, yes.
Sheldon: Dont beat around the bush, Leonard. If you dont want me here, just say the word, and Ill leave.
(cut to Sheldon in the hallway outside the apartment)
Sheldon: Could have beaten around the bush a little.

Quote from the episode The Line Substitution Solution

Stuart: Anyone else need anything before I go?
Howard: I'll give you a dollar if you make fun of Raj.
Stuart: That's mean.
Howard: Five.
Stuart: You look like Tigger if Tigger looked like a jackass.
Howard: Uh, if you ever need a reference or anything, just let me know.

Quote from the episode The Line Substitution Solution

Sheldon: Stuart, what are you doing here?
Stuart: Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend?
Sheldon: I don't understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why are you upset with me now?
Stuart: Oh, I'm not upset with you. But Amy's pretty bent out of shape, so she hired me to let you have it.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose turnabout is fair play.
Stuart: You're darn right it's fair play, you selfish jerk.

Quote from the episode The Line Substitution Solution

Amy: What are you doing here? You're not Sheldon.
Stuart: I thought that might come up. Sheldon hired me to go shopping with you.

Quote from the episode The Line Substitution Solution

Amy: Hold on. He paid you to get out of spending time with me?
Stuart: No, it's not like that. There's a long line he'd rather stand in. So what are we doing? Old Navy, Build-A-Bear? I get paid either way.
Amy: We're not going shopping together.
Stuart: You sure? I'm happy to hold your bag. And Sheldon gave me money for a hotdog on a stick.
Amy: Can you understand why I might be annoyed right now?
Stuart: Look, lady, I just work here.

Quote from the episode The Line Substitution Solution

Howard: If you really care that much, there are apps now that'll let you hire people to do stuff like errands and wait in lines.
Stuart: People are actually waiting in lines as a job? Boy, makes me feel better about my life.
Howard: Some of these guys make over $20 an hour.
Stuart: And now I feel worse again.

Quote from the episode The Viewing Party Combustion

Raj (shouting from upstairs window): Hey, Jon Snow. How come your horse has a basket on it?
Stuart: How come your head has your face on it?
Sheldon: They don't wear bicycle helmets in Game of Thrones. You're thematically inaccurate, but I applaud your commitment to safety.
Stuart: Don't you guys have anything better to do?
Leonard: Better than watching a guy in a fur cloak ride a girl's bike? Nope.
Stuart: That's it, you just lost bathroom privileges at the comic book store.

Quote from the episode The Viewing Party Combustion

Bernadette: Why are you dressed like that?
Stuart: Oh, uh, Howard thought it'd be funny to tell me it was a costume party.
Bernadette: That wasn't nice.
Stuart: No, but he almost died, so we're cool.

Quote from the episode The Viewing Party Combustion

Raj: All right, it's almost game time. Get it? Game of Thrones, game time?
Stuart: Two women, huh?

Quote from the episode The Viewing Party Combustion

Stuart: I was told this is where to go if I'm mad at Howard.
Penny: May I take your cloak?
Stuart: Thanks. This thing kept getting caught in the chain of my bike.

Quote from the episode The Viewing Party Combustion

Stuart: So what happened with you and Howard?
Raj: Says I was talking too much about dating Claire and Emily, and I accused him of being jealous.
Stuart: I'm jealous. Closest I've come to dating two women was that time I dated one woman.

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