Bernadette: I had a plan. I kept leaving Dove bar wrappers around to explain any weight gain.
Amy: Where did you get empty Dove bar wrappers?
Bernadette: From all the Dove bars I ate! I'm pregnant! Try to keep up!

Bernadette: Do you know what? It's just a research project. The most important job in the world is gonna be raising this child. It's all I need to give my life meaning.
Penny: Oh, that's so beautiful.
Bernadette: You believe me? Oh, good. Eleven more chumps like you, I'll have the jury eating out of my hand.

Sheldon: I don't understand why I can't talk at this meeting.
Leonard: 'Cause when you talk, it enrages people.

Bernadette: Apple slices? What kind of lunatic goes to McDonald's and gets fruit?

Bernadette: Well, my boss said he hadn't decided yet, so I gently reminded him that he's an old rich white guy, and I'm a sweet little pregnant lady who's not afraid to cry in front of a jury.

Penny: You know, when Leonard's feeling anxious, I make him take a long walk.
Amy: Does that help?
Penny: For a while, then he comes back.

Howard: You know, maybe before our meeting we should talk to a lawyer.
Leonard: That's not a bad idea.
Raj: Well, you must have someone in your family that's a lawyer.
Howard: Why? Because I'm Jewish? That's like me saying, "Hey, you're Indian. Doesn't your cousin work in a call center?"
Raj: My cousin does work in a call center.
Howard: And my cousin's a lawyer.

Howard: I was counting on that money. I need to make as much as my wife so I don't have to try so hard in bed.

Marty: Howard, why is he yelling at me?
Sheldon: All right, you were on Jeopardy. Allow me to Alex Trebek this and put it in the form of a question: Who has been a complete waste of our time?
Howard: Marty, let me call you back.
Leonard: Someday, when I'm up on murder charges, you'll be hearing from me.
Sheldon: You don't need him. I'll represent you.

Penny: Oh God, I feel so bad, I just lied to her.
Amy: Oh, but you did it so well. That's amazing! It's like watching a sculptor, but your clay was lies.

Sheldon: We don't need Howard's cousin, no. We have me.
Leonard: You're not a lawyer, Sheldon, you're just a know-it-all.
Sheldon: I am not a know-it-all. I'm a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they're wrong.
Leonard: That's the definition of being a know-it-all.
Sheldon: Or in German, a Besserwisser.

Colonel Williams: So, which one of you is the brains behind all this?
Howard: It's a group effort, but I guess if we had to pick a main brain, it would be me.
(Sheldon whimpers)

Colonel Williams: And because of the quantum vortices, this can run perpetually?
Leonard: Exactly. Yeah, you have a good grasp of the physics.
Colonel Williams: Well, I'm a scientist by training.
Howard: Really? You're a physicist?
Colonel Williams: Better. I'm an engineer.
(Sheldon stops himself from speaking)

Colonel Williams: I'll cut to the chase. The Air Force believes there's an application for this technology, and we're interested in funding your research.
Howard: Well, thanks, but you should know we're a little concerned about this being used in weapons.
Colonel Williams: Oh, well, let me put your mind at ease. What we use it for is none of your business.

Bernadette: I'm worried about Howard. Ever since that guy from the Air Force showed up, he's been a nervous wreck.
Penny: We work at a giant pharmaceutical company. Get him some anti-anxiety meds.
Bernadette: He won't take any pills that aren't chewable and shaped like a Flintstone.

Raj: Yeah, this military guy showed up at Howard's door. He was terrifying.
Sheldon: Oh no, what did he say?
Raj: He gave me his business card and asked me to please pass it along to Howard.
Sheldon: That doesn't sound terrifying.
Raj: Not to a white guy born here, no. To a brown guy whose name has a lot of syllables in it - terrifying.

Bernadette: Are you kidding? I've always been treated differently! Look at me. Listen to me. I mean, the first thought when you see me isn't, "That's a scientist." It's, "I wonder if her mommy knows where she is."

Raj: Wail till I Snapchat that my friends might be working on a top secret government project.
Leonard: Are you crazy? You can't put that on Snapchat.
Raj: Fine, I'll put it on Facebook like a caveman.

Amy: I mean, seriously, you have got to let me scan your brain when you're being dishonest so I can see what lights up.
Penny: That's super helpful, Amy. Thanks a lot. I can't wait to do that.
Amy: I can see a clump of bitch cells lightin' up from here.

Howard: I'm not even sure that's possible.
Colonel Williams: Well, I ran it by some colleagues at MIT, and they thought they could get it done in four months.
Howard: Four months?
Sheldon: Yeah, we'll do it in two! (laughs) Hi, I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I'm the actual brains behind this project. Also, engineers aren't real scientists, MIT's a trade school, and the Death Star is from Star Wars, not Star Trek! But otherwise, thank you for your service.

Leonard: Wish we weren't so far from my parking space.
Sheldon: The way you put away those lemon bars, perhaps that's a good thing.
Leonard: I'd like to reinstate the you-not-talking rule.
Sheldon: Why? It clearly doesn't work.

Colonel Williams: Look, guys, it's just a guidance system. It's not like you're handing us the Death Star from Star Trek.

Amy: Why don't you want anyone to know?
Bernadette: 'Cause I'm up for a major immunotherapy study, and if they find out I'm pregnant they might give it to someone else.
Penny: Would they really do that?
Bernadette: I know they would. They did it to Barbara Chen last year when I told everyone she was pregnant.

Penny: Something happen at the meeting?
Sheldon: They made me promise I wouldn't talk.
Penny: And you talked?
Sheldon: Well, now, see? You knew what was gonna happen. Why didn't they?

Penny: Well, if it makes you feel any better, Bernadette's mad at me, too.
Sheldon: Mmm. If it makes you feel any better, a parasitoid wasp known as Oobius depressus has been rediscovered after 101 years of presumed extinction.
Penny: Why would that make me feel better?
Sheldon: Why would your Bernadette thing make me feel better? At least mine was educational.

Colonel Williams: All you need to worry about is, right now, it's (wide gesture) this big, and we need it to be (small gesture) this big.
Leonard: That's a lot less big.
Colonel Williams: Yes, it's (wide gesture) this much less big.

Raj: So, why did you guys even agree to the deadline?
Howard: We didn't. Sheldon did.
Raj: And you just let him?
Leonard: Well, the colonel said it was for the good of the country, and the funding is substantial.
Howard: No, but mostly, there was an awkward pause, and I broke it by saying, "Okay."

Leonard: Where did you go to school?
Colonel Williams: MIT.
Howard: Well, hey, me, too.
Colonel Williams: I should have known. Behind every great invention is an MIT mind.
(Sheldon gasps, but controls himself)

Bernadette: Did you tell anyone?
Penny: No, you told me not to.
Bernadette: I bet it was Barbara Chen in retrovirus. She might have heard me throwing up one morning. Every since she got the hearing aid, she thinks she's so great.

Sheldon: Okay, quick question. Am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?
Leonard: I'm getting enraged.

Penny: Okay, all right, honey, you know what? There was something I was too scared to tell you yesterday, a-and now I'm just balls-out terrified to tell you, but the truth is it wasn't Barbara Chen, it was me. I'm the reason everyone knows.

Penny: Are you still upset about people finding out you're pregnant?
Bernadette: I'm furious.
Penny: Sure, sure. Uh, did you ever figure out who told?
Bernadette: No. I confronted Barbara Chen, but she claimed she didn't know what I was talking about.
Penny: Hmm. Well, I guess it's just gonna remain a mystery, you know, like whatever happened in that seminar after they dimmed the lights. (laughs)
Bernadette: It had to be Barbara. I've been trying to figure out a way to get back at her. Do you think using her work computer to Google "how to be a prostitute" is over the line?

Sheldon: I never realized this building was classified.
Howard: Maybe that's because it's classified.

Howard: Anyway, this is Leonard and Sheldon. The three of us came up with the guidance system.
Leonard: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Howard: And this is my friend, Raj.
Raj: Oh, I'm not on the patent. I'm just here because there's a bumblebee in my office.
Leonard: I saw it. It's big.

Penny: You threatened to sue?
Bernadette: Hey, I learned a long time ago, when you're four feet eleven and eye level with every guy's crotch, that's where you punch.
Penny: That's funny. I learned something totally different.

Bernadette: I just wanted to apologize. I know what you did was an accident.
Penny: Oh, thank you, and I'm sorry I lied about it.
Bernadette: For what it's worth, you're a great liar.
Penny: Oh, that's what Amy said.

Raj: Wow. You're going off to work with the military, leaving me behind. Now I know how all those army wives feel.
Howard: Would you stop? We're just gonna be on the other side of campus.
Raj: And right here. (holding his hand on his chest)
Howard: You are a deeply silly man.
Raj: (To Leonard) He is so afraid of his feelings.

Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn't that exciting?
Raj: You're kidding, right?
Sheldon: Not at all. In Star Wars, when the stormtroopers would march in perfect formation, harassing civilians, didn't you ever think, "Hey, that could be me"?
Howard: Sheldon, we could be contributing to a weapons system that oppresses mankind for the next thousand years.
Sheldon: Okay, Howard's on board.

Leonard: You realize if the military declares our research classified, they can take the whole thing away from us.
Howard: And if that happens, we'll never be able to sell it commercially.
Leonard: There goes our big payday.
Howard: I was counting on that money. I need to make as much as my wife so I don't have to try so hard in bed.
Leonard: You do that, too?
Howard: Oh, yeah. How do you think I stay this thin?

Raj: Is it even possible to get this done in two months?
Howard: Well, maybe. I don't know. We'll have to work twelve hours a day, seven days a week.
Leonard: Which means I won't be able to make Penny breakfast every day, and she'll realize my brioche French toast was the only thing keeping her in the marriage.
Howard: I love your French toast.
Leonard: Oh, thanks, man.

Sheldon: Look, I'm sorry. Tell me why Bernadette is upset with you.
Penny: Well, I told people at work that she's pregnant. She wasn't ready for them to know.
Sheldon: Why would you do that?
Penny: Well, it just slipped out. I feel terrible.
Sheldon: See, that's exactly what happened to me, except that I said it on purpose, and I have no regrets.

Sheldon: Look at this. Elon Musk has a theory that we're all just characters in some advanced civilization's video game.
Leonard: So some alien kid spent his money on the asthma-and-glasses upgrade for me?
Sheldon: Well, he doesn't say it's a good game.

Amy: I am really regretting that I got you a Happy Meal.

Amy: Hi. Howard told me you were working late, so I brought dinner.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks. You know, I just wanted to get some work done without people congratulating me about the baby every five minutes.
Amy: I spent my day alone in the lab waiting for a rat to die of anthrax.
Bernadette: Did you come here to bring me dinner or to gloat?

Bernadette: I don't believe this.
Amy: What's wrong?
Bernadette: This guy from the office just congratulated me on being pregnant.
Amy: You did already know, right?

Sheldon: Ooh, can I use text-to-speech software?
Howard: No!
Leonard: Don't speak.
Sheldon's phone: (electronic male voice) Aw, nuts.

Howard: Give me a second to call my cousin.
Sheldon: I don't see how a tax lawyer from Fort Lauderdale could be helpful regarding intellectual property.
Howard: First of all, he's in Boca Raton, which is better than Fort Lauderdale. But more importantly, he lasted two days on Jeopardy, so he's clearly a smart guy.

Penny: Oh, you know, I also lied about the girl in the bathroom. Yeah, we actually dumped her retainer in the toilet and put it back in her mouth.

Bernadette: Hi.
Penny: Hey.
Bernadette: What brings you by?
Penny: Oh, had to go to a sales seminar on our new sleeping pill.
Bernadette: Oh, how was it?
Penny: Great.
Bernadette: Fell asleep?
Penny: In, like, two minutes.

Howard: Do you have any advice for us?
Marty: Well, I don't know much about patent law. But, uh, my advice is: hear them out, offer as little information as possible, and whatever you do, don't sign anything.
Sheldon: "Don't sign anything"? That's your advice? Okay, so, uh, if during this meeting, one of us were to, say, complete an oil painting, you'd recommend that we leave that unsigned?
Marty: That's not what I meant.
Sheldon: That's what you said.
Marty: That's not what I meant.
Sheldon: This must be how you practice law in Boca Raton, by saying things you don't mean and meaning things you don't say.

Penny: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard's mad at me, so I'm making him lemon bars.
Penny: Does he even like lemon bars?
Sheldon: Not really. But I'm mad at him, too, so lemon bars it is.

Bernadette: I've worked so hard to get where I am, and I don't want to get sent back to square one because I'm pregnant.
Amy: I understand how you feel.
Bernadette: Thank you.
Amy: I wish there were some way I could make it better.
Bernadette: Well, you brought me French fries. That's a start.
Amy: Uh, actually, I got you apple slices 'cause you're pregnant.

Marty: Hello.
Howard: Hey, Marty. Thanks for talking to us.
Marty: Hey, no problem. Thanks for going to outer space so no matter what I do my mom will be disappointed in me.
Howard: Well, I married a little Catholic girl, so we're even.