Quotes from ‘Pilot’

Pilot

'Pilot' - Season 1, Episode 1

Leonard and Sheldon meet their new neighbor Penny. Leonard is instantly smitten with her, but Sheldon feels he's chasing an impossible dream.

Air Date: September 24, 2007.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Wait till you see this.
Raj: It's fantastic. Unbelievable!
Leonard: See what?
Howard: (Putting in DVD) It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
Leonard: This isn't a good time.
Howard: (Imitating Stephen Hawking) It's before he became a creepy computer voice.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really!
Sheldon: If the height of a step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.
Leonard: I don't care. 2 millime--? That doesn't seem right.
Sheldon: It's true. I did a series of experiments when I was 12. My father broke his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No. That was the result of my work with lasers.

Quote from Sheldon

Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Come on! We have a combined IQ of 360 we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
*Two girls selling cookies ring every bell, the door opens*
Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is ?

Quote from Penny

Penny: I'm a vegetarian, except for fish, and the occasional steak. I LOVE steak!
Sheldon: Well, that's interesting. Leonard can't process corn.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: It has been some time since we had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.
Leonard: That's not true, remember at Thanksgiving, my Grandmother with Alzheimer's had that episode?
Sheldon: Point taken, it has been some time since we had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn't wanna rip our eyes out.
Leonard: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: What makes you think she wouldn't have sex with me? I'm a male and she's a female.
Sheldon: Yes, but not of the same species.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Is this the high-IQ sperm bank?
Althea: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't be here.

Quote from Sheldon

Penny: Would it be weird if I used your shower?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: (to Sheldon) No!
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No!
Sheldon: (to Penny) No.

Quote from Sheldon

Penny: (Upset, about Kurt) 4 years, I lived with him. 4 years! That's like as long as high school.
Sheldon: It took you 4 years to get through high school?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Leonard, I don't think I can do this.
Leonard: What are you, kidding? You're a semi-pro.
Sheldon: No, we are committing genetic fraud. There's no guarantee that our sperm's going to generate high-IQ offspring. Think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
Penny: Holy smokes.
Sheldon: If by "holy smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasn't seen this differential below "here I sit brokenhearted"?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole but as far as the population of this car goes you're a veritable mack daddy.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Penny!
Penny: Yeah?
Sheldon: That's where I sit.
Penny: So sit next to me.
Sheldon: No, I sit there.

Quote from Sheldon

Kurt: How the hell did you get in the building?
Leonard: We're scientists.
Sheldon: Tell him about our IQ.

Quote from Sheldon

Penny: I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the suns apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: (puzzled) Participate in the what?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: What if she ends up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: New neighbor?
Sheldon: It seems so.
Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbor.
Sheldon: A 200 pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes, she is.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: I'm gonna invite her (Penny) over. We'll have a nice meal and chat.
Sheldon: Chat? But we don't chat, at least not off-line.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: My mom bought me those pants.
Leonard: I'm Sorry!
Sheldon: You're gonna have to call her.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: So, if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either is observed, it will not go through both. If it's unobserved, it will. However, if it's observed after it left the plane, before it hits it's target, it will not have gone through both slits.
Leonard: Agreed! What's Your Point?
Sheldon: There's no point, I just think it's a good idea for a T-shirt!

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard: Yes, and youve never met one of them.
Sheldon: Thats the beauty of it.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: You're lactose-intolerant.
Leonard: I don't eat it. I just think it's a good idea.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Oh, anyways I'm also writing a screenplay. It's about this sensitive girl who comes to LA from Lincoln, Nebraska, to be an actress and who ends up a waitress at the cheesecake factory.
Leonard: So it's based on your life?
Penny: No, I'm from Omaha!

Quote from Sheldon

Penny: I'm so sorry. I really thought if you guys went instead of me, he wouldn't be such an ass.
Leonard: No, it was a valid hypothesis.
Sheldon: "Was a valid hypo-" . What is happening to you?

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: (Helping Althea with the crossword puzzle) One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabokov, 26 across is MCM, fourteen down is-- move your finger, phylum, which makes 14 across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc's capital idea, that's Port-au-Prince. Haiti.

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