Sheldon: Are you upset about something?
Leonard: What was your first clue?
Sheldon: Well, it was a number of things. First, the late hour, then you demeanor seems very low energy, plus your irritability.
Leonard: Yes, I'm upset!
Sheldon: Oh. I don't usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
Leonard: Yeah, good for you.
Sheldon: (walks away and then turns back) Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what's bothering you?
Leonard: I don't know. Maybe.
Sheldon: Wow! I'm on fire tonight.

Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard: What if I knock you unconscious now?
Sheldon: It won't change the past.
Leonard: But it'd make the present so much nicer.

Penny: What the hell's going on?
Sheldon: You hypocrite.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Little Miss Grown-Ups-Don't-Play-With-Toys! If I went into that apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? Hello, Hello Kitty!

Penny: It is the things you love that make you who you are.
Wolowitz: I guess that makes me large breasts.

Leonard: How are we gonna get it upstairs?
Sheldon: If we take the dish off, it might fit in the elevator.
Leonard: Yes, but the elevator's been broken for two years.
Sheldon: I've been meaning to ask you, do you think we should make a call about that?
Howard: Not necessary, I have a master's in engineering. I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot satellite payloads. When the Mars Rover started pulling to the left, I performed a front-end alignment from 62 million miles away. (Pushing button on elevator) Nah, that baby's broken.

Sheldon: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and swiss on whole wheat.
Raj: What did they give you?
Sheldon: Turkey and Roast beef with swiss and lettuce on whole wheat.
*The guys look at Sheldon*
Sheldon: It's the right ingredients but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich, the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.

Leonard: I just assumed. Who sells a full-sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon: In a Venn diagram that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets 'no longer want my time machine' and 'need $800'.

Leonard: Come on, guys, push!
Howard: If I push any harder I'm gonna give birth to my colon.

Raj: Did the listing actually saying "Miniature"?
Leonard: (Looking at time machine) I just assumed.

Penny: I'm running really late (to work).
Sheldon: Then I have a simple solution: Go up to the roof, hop over to next building, there's a small gap, don't look if you suffer of vertigo, and use their stairwell.
Penny: You are joking, right?
Sheldon: Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo.

Sheldon: Oh, no, not Morlocks, not flesh eating Morlocks! Help!

Sheldon: Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?
Leonard: Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
Sheldon: You can't. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it, ergo you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.

Leonard: Uh, here's the thing. Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.
Sheldon: I disagree. Your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on its own.

Sheldon: In addition, your premise is flawed. In the original film, Rod Taylor got Yvette Mimeaux with that very time machine. In Back to the Future, Marty McFly got the opportunity to hook up with his extremely attractive young mother.
Leonard: Those are movies.
Sheldon: Well, of course they're movies. Were you expecting me to come up with an example involving a real life time machine? That's absurd.

Sheldon: Leonard, it's two in the morning.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So, it's my turn.

Penny: Oh, please, it's not a time machine, if anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Sheldon: It only moves in time, it would be worse than useless in a swamp.

Leonard: You guys ready?
Raj: In a minute. Howard stepped outside to throw up.

Penny: Damn, okay, Ill just take the roof.
Leonard: Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work yesterday. Time travel joke. It's not ... never mind.
Sheldon: For what it's worth, I thought it was humorous.

Leonard: Now, out of the way so I can sit in my time machine. Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876.
Howard: Good choice, Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr Watson.
Sheldon: Wait a minute. I want to see that too.
Leonard: So when it's your turn, you can.
Sheldon: But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell's lab is going to get very crowded. He'll know something's up.
Raj: Also, since the time machine doesn't move in space, you'll end up in 1876 Pasadena.
Howard: And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do? Knock on the door and say to Mrs. Bell, "Hey, Mrs. Bell, big fan of your husband, can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?
Raj: Mrs. Bell was deaf. Shes not even going to hear you knock.

Raj: I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bi-monthly basis.
Leonard: That sounds fair.
Sheldon: Hold on. Bi-monthly is an ambiguous term, do you mean move it every other month, or twice a month?
Raj: Twice a month.
Sheldon: Then no.
Raj: Okay, every other month.
Sheldon: No.

Raj: Oh yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony, I have a Jacuzzi on my balcony. But wait until I tell him, I've got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your speedos, Jacuzzi Bob!

Sheldon: It's the same amount of work no matter how fast you go, basic physics.
Raj: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yeah.
Raj: If my fingers ever work again, I've got a job for the middle one.

Sheldon: I wonder why no-one else bid, this is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
Leonard: Yeah, I know, I still can't afford it.
Howard: Why don't we share it? We'll each put in two hundred bucks and we'll take turns having it in our homes.
Raj: A time share time machine? I'm in.

Sheldon: Gentlemen, I know we said we'd take turns, but I think youd agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
Howard: You can't just keep it here. What if I meet a girl and say, "you wanna come up and see my time machine, it's at my friends house," how lame is that?

Sheldon: Alright, I think we're going to need some ground rules. In addition to the expected no shoes in the time machine and no eating in the time machine, I propose that we add pants must be worn at all times in the time machine.
Leonard: Seconded.
Howard: I was going to put down a towel.

Sheldon: I don't know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.
Leonard: Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
Sheldon: The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, which society had splintered into two factions: the sub-terranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface dwelling Eloy.
Howard: Talk about your chick magnets.

Sheldon: Oh, I have a solution. First go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.
Raj: Ooh, how far into the future?
Sheldon: If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on Stardate 5027.3, which will be January 10th 2328 by pre-federation reckoning.
Leonard: Okay, I am setting the dials for January 10th, 2328.

Penny: Okay, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide, I slipped and skinned my knee.
Leonard: Are you okay?
Penny: Second of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked, so I had to go down the fire escape which ends on the third floor, forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family, who insisted I stay for lunch.
Leonard: That doesn't sound too bad.
Penny: It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son.

Howard: It's actually a tremendous bargain, even with shipping it works out to less than four dollars a pound.
Raj: Cocktail shrimp are $12.50.

Howard: A time machine from the movie The Time Machine?
Leonard: No, a time machine from Sophie's Choice.
Raj: Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie. Did you see it? It's rough.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: I'm packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell.
Sheldon: Well, is that really necessary? If you need money you can always sell blood. And semen.
Leonard: It's not about money.

Leonard: Look, do you want to buy me out or not?
Raj: I'll give you a hundred dollars, which will make me half owner, and we'll put it on my balcony.
Howard: Screw his balcony, I'll give you a hundred and twenty and we'll put it in my garage.
Leonard: I paid two hundred dollars for my share.
Raj: Dude, everyone knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.

Sheldon: I'll go for two hundred, that time machine stays right where it is.
Raj: Three hundred, and I'll throw in my original 1979 Mattel Millenium Falcon with real light speed sound effects.
Leonard: No, no more toys or action figures or props or replicas or costumes or robots or Darth Vader voice changers, I'm getting rid of all of it.
Howard: You can't do that. Look what you've created here, it's like nerdvana.

Raj: Oh, I call dibs on the Golden Age Flash.
Howard: Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
Raj: Too bad, I called dibs.
Howard: Well you can't just call dibs.
Raj: I can and I did. Look up dibs on Wikipedia.
Sheldon: Dibs doesn't apply in a bidding war.

Leonard: He offered me a fair price for the whole collection.
Sheldon: What's the number? I'll match it.
Raj: I'll match it, plus a thousand rupees.
Sheldon: What's the exchange rate?
Raj: None of your business.

Howard: Mom, my bar-mizvah bonds, how much do I got? Thanks. I can go twenty six hundred dollars and two trees in Israel.
Leonard: Forget it guys. If I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.
Sheldon: Who cares, as long as you pick me.