(Howard has just told Mary about his upcoming trip to the International Space Station.)
Mary Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.
Howard: Nope. She says if I don't back out, she's gonna go on a hunger strike. It'd take years before she'd be in any kind of danger, but still.

Mary Cooper: It's all themed. There's Jonah and the Whale Watching. All-you-can-eat Last Supper Buffet. And my personal favorite, Gunning with God.

Mary Cooper: Lord, Mary Cooper here, coming to you from Gomorrah, California.

Leonard: You're talking like a crazy person.
Mary: Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he's fine.
Sheldon: Told ya.
Mary Cooper: Although, I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.

Sheldon: Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see how advanced your group has become -- willing to sail into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.

Sheldon: You can lead a chicken to crisco, but you can't make your mother fry it.

Mary: Back home, there's a woman works at the Walmart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake.

Sheldon: That reminds me of another saying: You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can't make your mother fry it.
Mary Cooper: Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken and I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant.
Leonard: Please pester her? Please? For me.

Mary Cooper: Sheldon, your friend is hurting. What do we do when someone's hurtin'?
Sheldon: Offer them a hot beverage.
Mary Cooper: And when they're drunk as a skunk, what beverage do we offer?
Sheldon: Coffee.
Mary Cooper: And what do we do it with?
*Sheldon smiles*

Mary Cooper: I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem.
Leonard: We don't say that either. I'll make you list.
Mary Cooper: Oh, that'd be mighty white of you.

Penny: Maybe a little Rodeo Drive.
Mary: Well, I can't spend $12,000 on a handbag. But it's free to look upon those that do with righteous condemnation.

Amy: Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood -- or, to use the clinical term, bitchiness -- is because your mother isn't making you a priority?
Sheldon: No. Or, to use the clinical term: "nuh-uh."

Mary: Could the reason you can't find a guy is because you're letting them ride the rollercoaster without buying a ticket?
Penny: Oh, they don't always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to spin the teacups.

Mary: Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air and you pulverize 'em with a twelve gage shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness.

Leonard: It's kinda like the Loch Ness Monster. Maybe there's something there, maybe there isn't. We'll never know but sometimes it's fun to creep yourself out thinking about it.

Leonard: What did you think of the sushi?
Mary: It was good. Only thing - would have made it better if it was cooked - and if it was beef!

Mary: Just because a cat's got kittens in the oven doesn't make 'em biscuits.

Mary Cooper: Oh, I so should have taken you to Houston.

Penny: That top has paid off in free drinks 10 times what I originally paid for it.
Sheldon: Yes, Penny has a lot of money tied up in promiscuity futures.

Mary Cooper: When I was your age you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.

Raj: I couldn't find you guys, so I bought six new friends! Sadly, three of them are dead.

Penny: Mrs Cooper, it smells so good.
Mary Cooper: You take notes, darling. The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup. He'll die at fifty, but his love will be true.

Mary Cooper: I want to thank you for the blessing that is my little Shelly. I also want to thank you for the continued strength not to coldcock him with my bible.

Mary Cooper: I am not abandoning you, Sheldon. Abandoning you is leaving you in a basket on a church doorstep. I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.

Howard: So this spring I get to go to the International Space Station.
Mary Cooper: Oh my word. A trip to the heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I've got a good book you can read.

Raj: None of our gods have abs like that.
Howard: Yep, that's the last Jew who did sit-ups. Look where it got him.

Mary Cooper: It's called the Born Again Boat Ride. Christian Quarterly gave it their highest rating: five thorny crowns.

Mary Cooper: Hun, you think maybe the reason why you're having trouble finding a guy to settle down with, is because you're letting them ride the roller-coaster without buying a ticket?

Mary Cooper: The trick to pancakes is bacon grease. I cook everything in it.
Leonard: Everything? Aren't you worried about your health?
Mary Cooper: Oh, doctors are always changing their minds. One week bacon grease is bad for you. The next week we're not getting enough of it.

Sheldon: I'm glad we're finally getting to do something together. Just the two of us.
Mary Cooper: Sure. One thing you really miss when you're on vacation is laundry.

Mary Cooper: Oh, this one's sweet. You know, for your rosary rattlers.
Leonard: Mrs Cooper, we say Catholics, not rosary rattlers.
Mary Cooper: My goodness. It's a wonder you people in California can talk at all.

Mary Cooper: How are you doing on the young lady front? I hear you're in some sort of a long distance situation.
Leonard: Oh, yeah. It's Raj's sister. It's kinda tough. She's in India and also her parents aren't happy she's dating someone white.
Mary Cooper: Oh, that's a funny turn, isn't it? You never think about it going the other way.

Mary Cooper: This is exciting. Back home, the diner on Route 4 serves sushi. But it's just cut up fish sticks and a side of Uncle Ben's. They put it on the menu in those Kung Fu letters but that don't make it sushi.

Sheldon: There's a lot of harm in trying something new. That's why we test out drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.

Leonard: Kung Fu letters might not be politically correct.
Mary Cooper: Oh, I thought the one we couldn't say was Ching-Chong.
Leonard: Yeah, that too.

Sheldon: Does this mean you're not going to sing Soft Kitty?
Mary: No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…
Leonard: [opens door] Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the oven?
Sheldon: Get out!
Mary: Well, that was rude.
Sheldon: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.
Mary: [sings] Happy kitty, sleepy kitty…
Sheldon: What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.
Mary: [to God] This is what I'm talking about. [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…