Quotes from ‘The Hawking Excitation’

The Hawking Excitation

'The Hawking Excitation' - Season 5, Episode 21

When Howard gets to work with Professor Stephen Hawking, he offers Sheldon the opportunity to meet his hero.

Air Date: April 5, 2012.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you?
Sheldon: To go to Jewish heaven.
Howard: Jews don't have heaven.
Sheldon: To avoid Jewish hell?
Howard: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell.

Quote from Mrs. Wolowitz

Mrs. Wolowitz You're right. Who am I kidding? You should have seen me when I was young, Sheldon. The fellas used to line up and bring me boxes of candy. Why did I eat it all? Will you hold me?

Quote from Mrs. Wolowitz

Mrs. Wolowitz It's this dress. When I put my front in, my back pops out. When I put my back in, my front pops out. It's like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub.
Sheldon: What do you want me to do?
Mrs. Wolowitz We're gonna have to work as a team. Get in here, grab a handful and start stuffing.

Quote from Howard

Wolowitz: You don't seem to be understanding the English word no. Maybe a different language will help. Russian: Neyt. Chinese: Bu. Japanese: iie. Klingon: qo. Binary-coded ASCII: 01101110 01101111.
Sheldon: It's actually 01100111.

Quote from Bernadette

Howard: Oh, come on, the man torments me. I'm just letting him have a little taste of his own medicine.
Bernadette: Sheldon doesn't know when he's being mean because the part of his brain that should know is getting a wedgie from the rest of his brain.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I want you to tell me that Howard is being mean to me for no reason.
Penny: Fine, Howard is being mean to you for no reason.
Sheldon: I knew it!

Stephen Hawking: You made an arithmetic mistake on page 2.
It was quite a boner.

Quote from Howard


Sheldon: I'm not asking for me. I'm asking for Hawking.

Wolowitz: Let me try it gangsta, hellz naw!

Quote from Howard

Sheldon: Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking. Perhaps my only intellectual equal.
Howard: Oh, you can't be serious.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you're the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there's another human being.
Howard: Hang on, are you saying the rest of us are dogs?
Sheldon: Okay. I can see you're going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you're the sole human being on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.
Howard: Get out of my lab.
Sheldon: Oh, now they're much smarter than dogs. Have you seen them on those bicycles?
Howard: Get out.
Sheldon: How about dolphins?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: That's a lot of belt buckles.
Howard: Funny thing is, I have only one belt. Anyway, I'll get you started. Oh, by the way, the little marks that look like water spots, I tend to stand too close to the urinal, so what you're seeing there is splash back.
Sheldon: You make sissy on your belt buckles? Mee-Maw's forks never had that.

Quote from Howard

Sheldon: I did it. Had to go to three clothing stores, but we finally found a dress that could envelop your mother.
Howard: I should have sent you to the custom car cover place in Altadena. They have her pattern on file.

Quote from Howard

Howard: So, I got the craziest e-mail this morning.
Raj: I don't mean to burst your bubble, dude, but those penile enlargement pills do not work.
Howard: Believe me, I know.

Quote from Howard

Howard: The e-mail I got was from the office of Stephen Hawking.
Leonard: You're kidding.
Raj: Why?
Howard: He's coming to the university for a couple weeks to lecture, and he's looking for an engineer to help maintain the equipment on his wheelchair.
Leonard: That's amazing. You'll be like his pit crew. A word of caution, I would not do your Stephen Hawking impression in front of him.
Howard: (imitating Stephen Hawking) You're right. I suppose that could be considered offensive.

Quote from Leonard

Raj: Oh, boy, Sheldon's going to freak out.
Leonard: Yeah, he worships Hawking.
Howard: I was actually thinking about bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.
Raj: That's really nice of you, Howard.
Howard: Hmm, it's no big deal.
Leonard: Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It'll look so nice next to the ones he's already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan and Stan Lee.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding of the Higgs boson particle, and you said, Sheldon, it's two a.m., get out of my bedroom?
Leonard: Like it was ten hours ago. What about it?
Sheldon: Well, I believe I've done it. And I'm only saying believe to sound modest, because, sweet Sam Houston, I did it.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn't going to make any sense to you.
Howard: Sheldon, I have a working understanding of physics.
Sheldon: Yeah, good for you, and don't stop working on it.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Please, please, please let me meet Hawking.
Howard: I told you, no.
Sheldon: But I said I'm sorry.
Howard: No, you said, would it help if I said I'm sorry?
Sheldon: And you never answered me. So who owes whom an apology now?

Quote from Raj

Sheldon: Howard, please, I'm begging you.
Leonard: Raj, you're our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?
Raj: Three times. He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly. He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5. And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn't believe in to end his life quickly.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.
Howard: You're kidding.
Sheldon: No, sir. No, I took my dad's desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat. Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Okay, look, how about this? Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson. If he sees the incredible breakthrough I've made, he'll reach out to me.
Leonard: What if he doesn't?
Sheldon: He will, he's really smart.

Quote from Raj

Leonard: You do realize you own his ass right now.
Howard: I do.
Raj: You can make him do anything you want.
Howard: Yeah, I know, I'm just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him.
Raj: Well, don't be too mean.
Sheldon: Hey, fellas, I'm thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.
Raj: I wouldn't mind a glass.
Sheldon: I wasn't talking to you.
Raj: Bring him to his bony knees.

Quote from Howard

Howard: I'll give your paper to Professor Hawking.
Sheldon: Great, thank you. Oh, that's terrific.
Howard: But in exchange, I'd like you to do a few things for me.
Sheldon: What kinds of things?
Howard: Are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules?
Sheldon: Of course.
Howard: You should be so lucky.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: All right. What would you like me to do first?
Howard: Well, I thought I'd start you off by polishing my belt buckles.
Sheldon: Oh. By all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Mee-Maw's silver. And she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.
Howard: That's nice.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Here is a black light to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room.

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: Sheldon, these look great. They're like magnificent little crowns to hang over my magnificent little jewels. How'd you get them so shiny?
Sheldon: Oh, I buffed them with Turtle Wax. The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.
Howard: Way to go the extra mile. Your Mee-Maw would be proud.
Sheldon: My Mee-Maw must never know of this.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: (Wearing a French maid costume) What are you all staring at? Didn't you ever see a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?

Quote from Penny

Penny: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: It's not Saturday night. Why are you doing your laundry?
Sheldon: This is not my laundry.
Penny: Wow, are these Amy's? Kind of trashy, good for her.
Sheldon: Those are Howard's.
Penny: Ugh.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Why are you washing Howard's man panties?
Sheldon: Because if I don't, he won't give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He's a famous physicist.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know. He's the wheelchair dude who invented time.
Sheldon: That's close enough.

Quote from Sheldon

Penny: I don't understand. Why doesn't Howard just introduce you to the guy?
Sheldon: Because he's punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don't think I'm condescending, do you?
Penny: Well...
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry, condescending means...

Quote from Sheldon

Penny: And yes, you love correcting people and putting them down.
Sheldon: Au contraire. When I correct people I am raising them up. You should know, I do it for you more than anyone.
Penny: Come on, you do it to feel superior. I see that twinkle in your eye when someone says who instead of whom or thinks the moon is a planet.
Sheldon: Or Don Quixote is a book about a donkey named Hotay.
Penny: See, there it is, there's that twinkle.
Sheldon: Well, I can't help it. That's an involuntary twinkle.

Quote from Howard

Howard: What's the matter?
Bernadette: Every time I spend the night, your mom slaps me on the behind and says, go get 'im.
Howard: It's not her fault. She's getting hormone replacement therapy. Makes her crazy horny.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: Why are you doing that? You're being mean to him.
Howard: He's mean to me all the time. You've heard him tease me about not having a doctorate.
Bernadette: If you don't want to get teased about that, get a doctorate. I have one, they're great.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Oh, guys, I just remembered. I got you some Hawking souvenirs.
Leonard: What are these?
Howard: Gears and springs from his wheelchair. Pretty cool, huh?
Raj: Wow, that's amazing.
Howard: Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?
Howard: I don't know.
Sheldon: Oh, for heaven's sake. I did your laundry. I peepee-proofed your belt buckle. I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.

Quote from Howard

Howard: All right, Sheldon. There's only one thing left I want you to do. Don't worry, it's an easy one.
Sheldon: Okay.
Howard: Give me a compliment.
Sheldon: Fine. You have very tiny hands.
Howard: No, about my job. I want you to tell me I'm good at what I do.
Sheldon: You're obviously good at what you do.
Howard: Well, then why are you always ripping on me?
Sheldon: Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It's just that what you do is not worth doing.
Leonard: It's nicer than anything he's ever said to me. I'd take it and run.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
Stephen Hawking: I know.
Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
Stephen Hawking: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
Sheldon: I know.

Quote from Sheldon

Stephen Hawking: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Sheldon: Thank you. It just came to me one morning in the shower.

Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, of course not. Its just, I was thinking Oh, gosh, golly, I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
Stephen Hawking: Great, another fainter.

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