Quotes from ‘The Closure Alternative’

The Closure Alternative

'The Closure Alternative' - Season 6, Episode 21

When one of Sheldon's favorite TV shows is canceled, Amy helps him work through his compulsive need for closure. Meanwhile, Raj finds his girlfriend's blog, and Penny searches for something she's passionate about.

Air Date: April 25, 2013.

Quote from Raj

Howard: People change names on blogs to protect their privacy. Roger is Raj.
Raj: Oh, I always thought if I had a white name it would be Gavin.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Well, that stinks. No wonder you got cancelled. Bye.

Quote from Raj

Raj: I do have a pretty balls-to-the-wall moisturizing regime.

Quote from Amy

Sheldon: You don't know what it's like to feel completely frustrated. To have a desire build up within you and be denied any opportunity for release.
Amy: Yeah, sounds like a drag.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: If they didn't want to be yelled at by crazy nerds they shouldn't have started the Syfy channel.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: They can't just cancel a show like Alpha, you know. They have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season 'til we were grateful it ended.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Missed one. Now your wish can't come true.
Sheldon: Lucky for you because I wished you were dead.

Quote from Raj

Raj: I was Googling that girl I've been dating, and I found her blog.
Howard: Cool. Anything juicy?
Raj: She said she recently went on a date with a guy named Roger? And he's Indian? And he's an astrophysicist, too?
Howard: You know what's going on, don't you?
Raj: Mummy was right. American girls are sexually voracious devils.

Quote from Howard

Raj: I can see my little princess while I'm at work, right?
Howard: Why can't you just watch porn like a normal guy?

Quote from Howard

Raj: I broke down and read Lucy's blog. In one of the entries, she said when we first met I struck her as a little feminine.
Howard: Just a little? That's great.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Yeah, it was fun. Kind of reminded me of my high school. But instead of vampires, we had meth heads. But both came out at night and had messed up teeth.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Oh, Amy. And you wonder why people think neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game for diaper babies?

Quote from Raj

Raj: No wrapper's gonna tell me what to do, unless it's Jay-Z.

Quote from Leonard

Sheldon: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record Paul Blart: Mall Cop?
Leonard: I don't know. It's a fat guy on a Segway. That's funny everywhere.

Quote from Raj

Howard: Listen to me, if she's writing about your relationship, use it to your advantage. Rig the game.
Raj: Well, that doesn't seem fair.
Howard: Is it fair that girls like confident, normal guys more than nervous weirdos?
Raj: No, it's not. I've always thought that was unfair.

Quote from Leonard

Penny: What's wrong with cute?
Leonard: It just makes things seem small. It diminishes them.
Penny: So you want me to stop calling your little tushie cute?
Leonard: You can try, but nobody's gonna believe you.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Oh, dear. Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Answer honestly. This is not a trial. That'll come later.

Quote from Penny

Sheldon: No, that's the season two finale. That was quite the cliffhanger. I'm going to re-watch it before season three starts.
Leonard: There is no season three. They canceled that show.
Sheldon: Well, they can't cancel it. It ended on a cliffhanger.
Leonard: They did.
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, there are two dumplings left. Do you want them?
Sheldon: Dumplings? Don't you understand what's going on here?
Penny: As a rule, no.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: That show ended with all the residents of New York either dead or unconscious. Oh, now I'll never know what happened.
Penny: Well, why don't you make up your own ending?
Sheldon: Oh, sure, what a wonderful idea. And after that, I'll make up my own rules of oral hygiene. You know, instead of flossing, I'll rub pudding on my gums.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Keep reading. What does it say?
Raj: No, no, I don't know if I should. If she wanted me to know about her blog, she would've told me. It's almost like I'm reading her diary.
Howard: It's exactly what it's like. Keep reading.
Raj: No, this is creepy.
Howard: Oh, I think we were looking at creepy in the rear-view mirror when I put up that camera.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: With all the TV Sheldon was talking about, I had the greatest idea ever. It even blows away my idea for a Star Wars themed coffee shop called Brewbacca's. You need to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It is the perfect show for the two of us. It's got action and jokes and hot vampires and romance. I cannot oversell this. What do you say?
Penny: It's six thirty in the morning.
Leonard: I thought you grew up on a farm.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hello, SyFy Network? Yeah, this is your vice president of programming. Now, we have made a horrible mistake regarding Alphas. Yeah, we need to uncancel it immediately. Well, you just put me through to the people who handle that, you tell them it's me, and I don't want to answer a lot of questions about if I really am who I say I am, you know? I just, I want this done. No, I am not the person who just called. That man was clearly a cowboy. Yeah, who was plumb concerned about yall canceling his favorite show. Why do they keep hanging up on me?

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: I'm sorry you're upset. You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.
Sheldon: I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Okay. Well, what I think is going on here is you have a pathological need for closure.
Sheldon: Oh, that's nonsense. I mean, you tell me stories about your day all the time. I don't care how they end.
Amy: You know, I might be able to help you with this. There's a whole field of behavioral neuroscience that examines ways to retrain your neural pathways so stuff like this bothers you less.
Sheldon: Yeah, but I just told you, I don't have a problem with closure.
Amy: You sure about that?
Sheldon: Oh, quite sure. (Amy performs a knocking pattern but stops before completing it. Sheldon finishes it off.) That proves nothing.

Quote from Raj

Howard: So take what's in that blog and use it to get her pants off.
Raj: Why do you have to make everything so filthy? Why couldn't you just say the blog is like her giving me the key to her heart?
Howard: The key to her heart. That's nice. Were you quoting someone or is it tattooed on the small of your back?
Raj: I was quoting a man who knows a thing or two about women, Sir Elton John.

Quote from Penny

Leonard: I think you'll like the next one better. All the cheerleaders are suffering from an evil curse.
Penny: Oh. Well, that's like my high school, too. But instead of a curse, it was crabs.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: I've come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.
Sheldon: I take issue with the word compulsive.
Amy: All I'm saying is, we live in a world where closure isn't always an op...
Sheldon: -tion. Okay. For the sake of argument, let's say I have a problem. What would be your plan for addressing it?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I'm about to win. (Amy wipes the board clean.) But we didn't finish.
Amy: Exactly. How does that make you feel?
Sheldon: The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two and then again and again until I have a handful of Sheldon-face confetti.
Amy: And thats exactly the feeling we want to address with this course of treatment.
Sheldon: Or you could pitch in, grab a nostril and help me get this face off.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Okay, help me out here. Why does he love this show so much?
Bernadette: Well, there was action, it was funny. I mean, you do get that usually the monster chases the pretty girl, but this time the pretty girl chases the monsters?
Penny: Yippee, it's backwards. I get it.

Quote from Bernadette

Penny: It's just, he's so passionate about so many different things. I just don't get that way. Do you?
Bernadette: Well, sure. I'm pretty passionate about science. I remember the first time I looked through a microscope and saw millions of tiny microorganisms. It was like a whole other universe. If I wanted to, I could wipe it out with my thumb like a god.

Quote from Penny

Penny: I wish I had some of that fire in my life. I mean, I want to care about things and get excited like you guys.
Bernadette: Well, there's no reason you cant.
Penny: You think?
Bernadette: Absolutely. All we need to do is spend a little time and find something you're passionate about.
Penny: Ugh, that sounds like a lot of work.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Uh, Lucy's coming over. I need some advice.
Howard: However long you think the foreplay should be, triple it.
Raj: Just tell me which one you think is more manly. This hockey jersey or this football jersey.
Howard: I don't know. Go with hockey.
Raj: Good, black is more slimming. Oh, that's her. I got to go be butch. Toodles.

Quote from Leonard

Penny: So, I was thinking how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy.
Leonard: The Harmony One was fine. We didn't need to upgrade to the eleven hundred, which he knows is too big for my hand.

Quote from Penny

Leonard: So, does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and go to Comic-Con?
Penny: Leonard, I had an epiphany, not a stroke.

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