Penny: Howard, cow tipping - real or not?
Howard: I'm going to say not. That's just based on me trying to roll my mom over when she's snoring.

Mike: I don't know what's scarier: the bathroom clowns or the woman that put them there?
Sheldon: All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car.
*Howard walks in*
Sheldon: And there's the clown that came out of her!

Amy: It says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions were met: Were you unable to consummate the marriage?
Sheldon: Penny!? Ha! Next ...

Mike: I know I'm hard on you, but you're not the worst son-in-law in the world.
Howard: Mike, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Mike: Well, I'm drunk.

Raj: It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without an Indian providing the food.

Leonard: Yeah, well, she's not going to be your wife for long.
Zack: (To Penny) Oh no, are you dying!?

Zack: I just think splitting up can be rough on kids.
Penny: We don't have any kids.
Zack: Are you sure? 'cause you didn't know we were married until this morning.

Zack: You know what they say. Happy wife - Happy life. Let's eat!

Zack: Not cool, bro. I'm starting to think you're not the kind of guy I want dating my wife.

Raj: Amy, you're on rolls, cranberries and making sure Bernadette stays away from the marshmallows.
Raj: *To Bernadette* That's right, I see you.

Penny: Look, I'm telling you I've done it. I clearly remember the cow standing up and then a cow on its side.
Leonard: Were you drunk?
Penny: I was sixteen and in Nebraska, what do you think?
Leonard: I think you're the one who fell over.
Penny: Well that would explain why the sky was also on its side.

Penny: Look, Zack. Come on. You know neither of us thought this was real. I mean we were married by an Elvis impersonator.
Zack: Of course it was an impersonator. We could never afford a real Elvis.

Bernadette: I guess we're going to have to do all the cooking.
Howard: I have a better idea.
Bernadette: If you think you're going to get to me do all this by yourself, you're crazy.
Howard: I was going to get Raj to do it all by himself.
Bernadette: Oh, well that's a great idea.

Penny: I promise next time I get married, it won't be a joke. It will be for love ... or money.

Raj: My, my. The plot - like my gravy - thickens.

*Amy walks into the kitchen where Raj and Bernadette are preparing dinner*
Amy: You need any help?
Raj: Yeah, can you reach that gravy boat up there?
Amy: Sure.
Raj: Great, that makes one of you.

Leonard: Wait, you went to a chapel?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: We had one of those silly fake weddings.
Leonard: Penny, you know those are real, right?
Penny: No they're not.
Leonard: Yeah, they are.
Penny: No they're not.
Sheldon: He's right.
Amy: They're real.
Penny: But it didn't seem real.
Sheldon: Let me ask you a question. At any point was Las Vegas on its side?

Zack: It's all right. I didn't have anything going on. Plus, Penny told me we're married, and Thanksgiving is a time to be with family.

Howard: She should quiet down soon. I gave her enough pain meds to choke a ... well, her.

Amy: I can't believe Penny's married to Zack.
Raj: I wonder what she saw in that guy.
Bernadette: I don't know. He's sweet. He's tall. Handsome.
Amy: Broad shoulders. Good hair.
Raj: Hmm, I wonder what she sees in Leonard.

Sheldon: I've been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse. So, I'd love to but unfortunately that sounds awful.

Raj: Why would you push a cow over? They're sacred.
Penny: Oh, stop it. I've seen you eat like a million hamburgers.
Raj: Hey, an animal can be both sacred and delicious.

Howard: Sounds like Zack's the victim, you're sleeping with his wife.

Mike: How do you not make a first down there?
Sheldon: They passed against a nickel defense. They should have run it off tackle.
Mike: How the hell do you know that?
Sheldon: My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.

Howard: My mom's been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short: they had to shoot it.
*Blank look from Bernadette's father*
Howard: ... because she's so fat.
*door rings*
Howard: I'll get the door while you finish laughing.

Zack: It's my fault. I was a terrible husband. I was never around.

Leonard: The math is all there. It's not real.
Penny: Yes, it is.
Sheldon: Look, it's scientifically impossible for a person to tip a cow. Even you with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders.

Sheldon: I just threw up on a whole lot of clowns.

Sheldon: I would throw a quick slant to a wide out, given that the defense is showing blitz.
Howard: Oh, I love a good blitz especially with sour cream.
Howard: Get it? Because it sounds like blintz.
Mrs. Wolowitz Did someone say blintz?

Sheldon: Fine, I'll go. But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined and it's on you.

Bernadette: Hi, dad.
Mike: Hi, honey.
Bernadette: Oh, you brought beer for everybody.
Mike: Uh, yeah, okay. It's for everybody.

Sheldon: Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to labor under the yolk of the white man.
Amy: Are you honestly comparing Thanksgiving dinner at Wolowitz's mom's with one of the greatest tragedies in the history of mankind?
Sheldon: Yes.

Penny: *Discourteously hands Howard a bottle of wine* Here, thank you for having us.
Howard: What's the matter with you?
Leonard: Oh, she's mad at me because she just found out she's married to Zack.
Howard: Really? That dumb ass you used to date? That's hysterical!
Penny: I can't believe I felt bad for opening this in the car.

Mike Rostenkowski: I've kept my marriage together for 35 years. Can I weigh in here?
Leonard: Sure.
Mike Rostenkowski: I'm trying to watch the game. Shut up.

Leonard: It would actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about my cooking all day.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?

Sheldon: (About Bernadette) She's so tiny!