Quotes from ‘The Fortification Implementation’

The Fortification Implementation

'The Fortification Implementation' - Season 8, Episode 20

When Sheldon feels down about being left out of a physics symposium, Amy suggests they spend their date night building a fort. Meanwhile, after Howard gets the title deed to his mother's old house, he is surprised when an unknown relative turns up on his doorstep. Meanwhile, when Penny appears on Wil Wheaton's podcast, she and Leonard have a big on-air fight.

Air Date: April 9, 2015.

Quote from Raj

Howard: Hey, I threw out the first pitch at an Angels game.
Josh: Wow.
Bernadette: He did it with a robot.
Josh: You had sex with a robot?
Howard: That's not what she meant.
Raj: But technically, yes.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Hang on, if you're making all this money, where is it?
Penny: In a safe place.
Leonard: What does that mean, under your bed?
Penny: No, it means a diversified portfolio of stocks and bonds. I'm not overly conservative. I'm young, so my guy said I can afford to take some risks.
Leonard: Wait a minute, you have "a guy"?
Penny: Don't you have a guy?
Leonard: Why would I have a guy?! I don't have any money!

Quote from Leonard

Wil Wheaton: You know that the movie actually has a little bit of a cult following.
Penny: Really?
Wil Wheaton: Yeah. I was at a science-fiction convention, and I saw a woman dressed as your half-ape character.
Leonard: Oh, if she was with an Indian guy dressed like a banana, that was just my friends, Howard and Raj.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Settle this. Those little animated pictures on the Internet, are they called "gifs" or "jifs"?
Leonard: Well, the G stands for "graphics." That's a hard G, so I'd say "gif."
Raj: What? The guy who invented it says it's "jif."
Howard: I'm sorry, do you mean the guy or the juy?

Quote from Amy

Sheldon: It reminds me of when my stupid brother and sister would build forts in the living room, and wouldn't let me in. I hated that so much.
Amy: You know, there's nothing I can do about getting you invited to the symposium, but if you wanted we could build a fort.
Sheldon: Isn't that a little juvenile?
Amy: More juvenile than this? *Puts up picture of smiling Sheldon to her face*

Quote from Raj

Raj: So, how's it going with the title to the house?
Howard: Great, it's all done. The lawyer tracked down my father and got him to sign it over. I didn't have to meet him, I didn't have to talk to him, I don't even know where he is.
Raj: Wow, so you're not curious at all?
Howard: Nope.
Raj: What if he's in prison? What if he's a spy? What if he's in a Beatles cover band? I'm just saying, if he's got your nose and haircut, he'd make a killer Ringo.

Quote from Howard

Josh: So, I have to ask, was the robot sexy?
Howard: It was actually just a mechanical hand.
Josh: 'Cause that's all you need, right?
Howard: You are my brother.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'll get the blankets, you Google how to have child-like fun.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Well, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this--
Sheldon: Agreed.
Leonard: I was going to say "or," but why bother?

Quote from Amy

Sheldon: Well, wait. What if, just this once, we suspend the date night parameters and you stay later?
Amy: Well, as long as we're suspending the parameters. I could stay really late and we could have our first sleepover.
Sheldon: That's a big step.
Amy: It's a big fort.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Do you think there's a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman's house and everyone in it?
Amy: No, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, buckle up. You're in for a cranky night.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we're not allowed to pout or be moody on date night.
Sheldon: You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.

Quote from Amy

Amy: When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees.

Quote from Raj

Raj: You here looking for money?
Josh: No.
Raj: A kidney, cornea, piece of his liver?
Josh: No.
Raj: You're in a Beatles cover band and you need Howard to replace your dad as Ringo.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: What are we doing? This is a fort. Let's sit on the floor.
Sheldon: Roughing it? Okay. *sits on floor. Gasps* Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Well, you kids have fun. I'm going to go to sleep.
Sheldon: Leonard, don't you want to see the inside of the fort?
Leonard: Yeah, I'm good.
Sheldon: Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can't come in.

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Leonard: Wil's had lots of great guests. Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner, Michael Dorn, Gates McFadden.
Penny: Those are Star Trek people.
Leonard: Yes!
Penny: I only figured that out because I've never heard of any of them.
Wil Wheaton: I deserve that. I invited you on my show and I drove here.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Can I come in?
Sheldon: Yes, oh, but enter through the side. Batman is a load-bearing blanket.

Quote from Leonard

Penny: Okay, instead of protecting me, why don't you try being excited when something good happens?
Leonard: I'm always excited for you. I'm excited that you found this new job where you're making decent money.
Penny: Decent? I make twice what you make.
Leonard: Wait, twice?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Like times two, twice?

Quote from Penny

Penny: Oh, sweetie, you should really get some money.

Quote from Leonard

Penny: Leonard, why are you making such a big deal out of this? So our roles have changed a bit over the last couple of years. That's the way life is. And I'm sure, in time, they'll change again.
Leonard: Great. Not only are you more successful than me. Now you're more mature.

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Penny: So, how many people listen?
Wil Wheaton: Most people download it later, but usually a few thousand people listen live.
Penny: What? A few thousand people listen to you talk about nerd stuff?
Wil Wheaton: Again, right in the ears, straight to the feelings.

Quote from Bernadette

Josh: I've always dreamed of having a brother to play catch with.
Bernadette: Keep dreaming.

Quote from Amy

Sheldon: Do you need to borrow a toothbrush or pajamas?
Amy: Would it alarm you to know that I hid those things here two years ago just in case this ever came up?
Sheldon: It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. How did you know we'd be in the living room?
Amy: Who says this is the only one I hid?

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Okay, fine. Sheldon, may I please visit your fort?
Sheldon: I want to say no, but it's too glorious. Get in here!

Quote from Leonard

Kevin Smith: I'm actually in pre-production on a movie right now. Way different than anything I've ever done before. It's called Clerks 3. You should come over and read for a part.
Penny: Oh, my, I would love that.
Leonard: You have a new job.
Penny: Well, maybe I can do both.
Leonard: I don't think you can do both.
Penny: I don't think I asked you.
Kevin Smith: Yeah, you tell him, Penny.
Leonard: Stay out of it, Kevin Smith.

Quote from Howard

Josh: This is a little weird, but a lawyer was trying to contact my father, because his name was still on the title for this house.
Howard: W... uh, who's your father?
Josh: Sam Wolowitz.
Howard: S-Sam Wolowitz is my father.
Josh: I know.
Howard: Well, wait, so if we have the same father... I mean, are you saying you're my half-brother?
Josh: I think so.
Howard: Bernadette, weird things are happening out here!

Quote from Leonard

Wil Wheaton: I've just been handed a note. I'm going to read it. "Wil, do you want more Diet Coke? Also, we have juice."
Leonard: I didn't want to interrupt.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Well, I'll give you three guesses why I'm so irritated.
Howard: Something happened different from the way you wanted it.
Sheldon: I guess news travels fast.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Amazing.
Sheldon: I know. This isn't the printout. This is my real face.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: So, Josh, what do you do?
Josh I'm studying oceanography down in San Diego.
Bernadette: Aww, how nice.
I love Finding Nemo.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Enough chit chat. How do we know you are who you say you are?
Josh Why would I lie?
Raj: Okay, you got me there.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Very well. I will agree to a family-friendly, G-rated, boy/girl sleepover.
Amy: PG. Some scenes may be too intense for younger viewers.
Sheldon: G-rated with a warning for families with babies and toddlers.
Amy: You got yourself a sleepover.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Being left out is a terrible feeling. No one understands that better than I do.
Sheldon: Hey, look at that. Even in your example, you're all by yourself.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Have a seat on the floor.
Sheldon: Not there. That's my spot.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: A select group of scientists were invited to a weekend symposium at a former home of Richard Feynman, and I wasn't included.
Leonard: Aww. Sheldon, I'm sure it's not because they don't think you're an elite scientist.
Howard: Yeah, I'd bet you anything. It's just because you're a pain in the ass.
Sheldon: You're just saying that to make me feel better.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Can you please pass the salt?
Sheldon: Sure. It's not like I was invited to Richard Feynman's house and having anything better to do.
Amy: Is this how the rest of the night's going to be?
Sheldon: I don't know the future.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Well, it applies to you, too.
Sheldon: I was afraid you might bring this up, so I have a work-around. *puts a picture of his face in front of his real face* There you go. As far as you're concerned, I'm smiling. Although, I must admit, I'm smiling a little bit at the moment because this loophole is so brilliant.

Quote from Bernadette

Howard: Hey, I grew up in this house, okay? No one's knocking anything down.
Bernadette: Okay, okay. *to Raj* When he's at Comic-Con, I'm bringing in a wrecking ball.

Quote from Bernadette

Howard: I'm surprised you could hear me with this Thin Mint in your ear! *takes a Thin Mint from behind Josh's ear* Yeah, pretty cool, huh?
Josh: Yeah. Anyway, I should probably get going.
Bernadette: Howie, have you noticed how often people say that when you start to do magic?

Quote from Leonard

Penny: Okay, look, would it make you feel better if I did something dumb like sneak out of work one day to go audition for a Kevin Smith movie?
Leonard: That would be great, thank you!
Wil Wheaton: I'm just going to jump in here real quick. Leonard, a moment ago, you were dead set against Penny resuming her acting career, but now you're all for it. Is it fair to say that she played you like a violin?
Leonard: Yes, it is, Wil.

Quote from Howard

Raj: What do you want to do?
Howard: I don't know. I... I'd just like him to go away. I can't deal with this.
Raj: All right, I've got your back.
Howard: Thank you. Come on. And I'd like to point out this wall just provided a lot of privacy!

Quote from Leonard

Penny: What is the harm if I audition?
Leonard: Well, what if you get it?
Penny: I don't know, I make a movie, we could become rich and famous, win an Oscar, a Golden Globe and live an incredibly wonderful life.
Leonard: From a Kevin Smith movie?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Okay, so the final four forts in the first annual best fort ever contest, or "fort off," are Fort Knox, Fort Ticonderoga, Fort Sumter and... Fort Cozy McBlanket.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I'd say Knox over Ticonderoga 'cause it's got the gold, and McBlanket over Sumter 'cause it has a higher thread count.

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Wil Wheaton: For those of you listening at home. How great is this?

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Oh, ten o'clock. Date night's over.
Sheldon: What? No. We haven't picked a winner.
Amy: We both know this one's gonna win.
Sheldon: Well, of course we do. Fort Knox doesn't have a secret physics lending library.

Quote from Penny

Penny: I think I started to suspect it was a bad movie when I looked at the script and saw the title, "Serial Ape-ist 2: Monkey See, Monkey Kill".
Wil Wheaton: Uh, spoiler alert. After the monkey sees, it kills.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: You know what? I used to be a fan of evolution, but I've since evolved, and now I think it's dumb.

Quote from Penny

Wil Wheaton: Hello, caller, you are on with Penny and Wil from Serial Ape-ist 2.
Woman on phone: I don't have a question. I just want to say I'm a big fan of the movie. I've seen it, like, ten times.
Penny: Okay, well, I'll apologize for the first time, but the other nine are on you.

Quote from Raj

Raj: So, Bernadette, have you thought about how you're going to redecorate this place?
Bernadette: You know, I'm thinking ripping up the carpets, maybe lose the wallpaper, all new light fixtures.
Raj: You know, if you knocked out this wall, it would give you an open floor plan, and then-- it's a little scary, but could be fun-- indoor fire pit.

Kevin Smith: So, Penny, listen, I saw your movie.
Penny: Oh, wow. I wish it was better.
Wil Wheaton: Oh, don't worry about it. Have you seen some of Kevin's films?
Kevin Smith: You're cruisin' for a beatin', Wheaton.

Quote from Raj

Bernadette: Why don't you help with the coffee?
Raj: Okay, but something smells fishy. And not just because you work around sea animals. That actually sounds interesting, and I'd like to learn more about it.

Quote from Howard

Josh: I can't believe my brother's an astronaut. That's amazing. What was it like?
Raj: Listen, dude, it's time for you to hit the road.
Howard: Hey, hey, the young man asked a good question.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: *to Wil Wheaton* Give me back that juice.

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Leonard: I went to school for half my life. I have a doctorate. I'm still paying off college loans.
Penny: Well, how much do you owe? Maybe I can help you out.
Leonard: Wil, can we just turn off the podcast for a little bit?
Wil Wheaton: For those of you at home, I am shaking my head "no."

Kevin Smith: Anyway, man, I dug the ape movie, Penny. And I thought you were, like, really great in it.
Penny: Aw.
Wil Wheaton: You know, I'm in the movie, too.
Kevin Smith: Yeah, whatever.

Kevin Smith: Oh, I'm hanging up now.
Wil Wheaton: Don't you listen to him, buddy. You're awesome. You're one of the greatest directors of our time.
Kevin Smith: I don't have a part for you, Wheaton.

Kevin Smith: Hey, man, yo, is everything okay, Wil? 'Cause it's been, like, two minutes and you haven't even brought up Stand By Me.

Quote from Wil Wheaton

Leonard: Wil, I'm begging you. Please turn that off.
Wil Wheaton: Sure. *turns recording off* *turns recording on* And we're back.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Hey, I got you a little gift.
Bernadette: Oh, that's a lot of Girl Scout Cookies.
Raj: You know me. I'm from India. I can't resist children begging.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I can just picture them right now at Feynman's house. Probably discussing Schrodinger, and at the same time not discussing Schrodinger.
See, they're missing out on hilarious jokes like that.

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