Quotes from ‘The Maternal Combustion’

The Maternal Combustion

'The Maternal Combustion' - Season 8, Episode 23

When Sheldon and Leonard receive an award for the paper they co-wrote together, their mothers pay a visit to Pasadena. Sparks fly between Mary Cooper and Beverly Hofstadter when they can't see eye to eye on religion or psychiatry. Meanwhile, Bernadette has had enough of feeling like a mother to three teenage boys, so Howard, Stuart and Raj are ordered to clean the kitchen.

Air Date: April 30, 2015.

Quote from Raj

Bernadette: Okay, I don't know when I became the mother to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today. You guys are cleaning the kitchen top to bottom.
Raj: Hey, I don't even live here.
Bernadette: Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now?
Raj: I do. And some of it's wool, so dry flat if possible.

Quote from Penny

Beverly Hofstadter: Come to Mommy.
Penny: It's okay. Go ahead. *Leonard hugs Beverly*
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, my son.
Leonard: Oh, my mother.
Penny: Oh, my God.

Quote from Mary Cooper

Mary Cooper: Well, I would have to say when he was thirteen and he tried to build a nuclear reaction in the tool shed.
Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one.
Mary Cooper: Now, the first thing you need to know about Shelly is, ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn't think it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.
Sheldon: Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium!
Mary Cooper: Oh, well! Well, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellow-cake from Chad, I thought he was talking about twinkies from one of his friends.
Sheldon: Yeah. But I wasn't, because I didn't have any friends.
Mary Cooper: No. It turns out this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad.

Quote from Mary Cooper

Mary Cooper: At least the bearded man I believe in preaches love and compassion. All yours talks about is why you hold in your poop and want to crawl back inside your mama.

Quote from Mary Cooper

Mary Cooper: When your mom gets back, I'm gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her.
Penny: Well, come on, she did kinda start it.
Mary Cooper: Doesn't matter. A good Christian would have turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would have shot her, so I'll just split the difference.

Quote from Stuart

Raj: How old is this Jell-O?
Stuart: Well, it's a carrot, so I'm gonna say very.

Quote from Mary Cooper

Mary Cooper: Ugh? The bible is ugh to you?
Beverly Hofstadter: No, I'm sorry. That was inappropriate. As a psychiatrist, I know how important people's superstitions can be to them.
Mary Cooper: You want to talk about superstitions. Sheldon sent me all those books you wrote. All that nonsense about super egos and IDs. What bull dropped that on the barn floor?

Quote from Mary Cooper

Leonard: Not once did my mother ever give me any love or affection for just being myself. I always had to earn it.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Leonard, I'm sure she loves you very much. In her own cold godless way.

Quote from Leonard

Penny: Leonard, what time does your mom's plane get in?
Leonard: I don't know. Sometime tomorrow morning.
Penny: Don't you want to know for sure?
Leonard: No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I'll feel a disturbance in the Force.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Do you think the moms will get along?
Leonard: I don't know. They're pretty different.
Sheldon: Maybe they'll be best friends. One of them is brilliant, one is sweet and simple.
*to Leonard*
Sound familiar?

Quote from Mary Cooper

Mary Cooper: I know the answer. You're not gonna like it.
Beverly Hofstadter: Try me.
Mary Cooper: When I was pregnant with Shelly, I was driving to church. And I was praying to the Lord to give me a son smarter than his dumb-ass daddy. And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobblehead in the Subaru next to me, nodding yes.

Beverly Hofstadter: I can't help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies.
Sheldon: Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement. A proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat.

Quote from Penny

Penny: You know, your mom's never been too thrilled with our relationship. Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me.
Leonard: If you could run out and get a PhD, that might make her like you.
Penny: Really? It didn't work for you.

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Leonard: She's just a very sweet and God-fearing lady, and you have to be respectful of her beliefs.
Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, I am an adult. I know how to conduct myself around people from different walks of life.
Leonard: Thank you.
Beverly Hofstadter: Where is she from again?
Leonard: East Texas.
Beverly Hofstadter: Ugh.

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Leonard: Uh, Mom, hey, tell Mary the story about how I made a Van de Graaff generator out of our vacuum cleaner.
Beverly Hofstadter: All right. He broke the vacuum cleaner.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: So, Mom, you haven't seen Penny since we got engaged.
Penny: Yeah, let me show you the ring.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, lovely. Must have been very expensive.
Sheldon: Oh, no, not at all. No, we found a place online that repurposes diamond drill bits.
Leonard: We did not. That's not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second?
Sheldon: Oh, sure.
Leonard: It came from Tiffany's.
Sheldon: You mean the box, right?
Leonard: Keep walking!

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You're like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers!
Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as "super weaning"?
Leonard: Yes, you are a super weaner!

Quote from Mary Cooper

Mary Cooper: I'm so glad that you and I were able to bury the hatchet.
Beverly Hofstadter: Me, too. And I respect your right to your beliefs.
Mary Cooper: And I will pray for you.

Quote from Penny

Beverly Hofstadter: His name is Sigmund Freud.
Penny: Hey! Look at that. You both believe in Jewish bearded guys.
Mary Cooper: Stay out of this.
Penny: Uh-huh.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Sure, his mom gets roses. When I want them, they're a "bouquet of severed plant genitals."
Sheldon: You act like I didn't get you that mushroom log on Valentine's Day.
Amy: He's right. Roses die, but a moist rotting log will pump out mushrooms for two or three magical years.

Quote from Mary Cooper

Mary Cooper: I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand.
Sheldon: Oh, it's quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid.
Mary Cooper: Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.
Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother?
Mary Cooper: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Leonard: I change my answer. It's amazing. It's hot. We can barely keep our hands off each other.
Beverly Hofstadter: Seems odd to try and impress your mother with your sexual prowess. But then, you always did have that unresolved Oedipal complex.

Quote from Leonard

Beverly Hofstadter: I read your paper. It was very impressive.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you.
Leonard: We just spent two hours in traffic. Did you think to mention to me that you liked our paper?
Beverly Hofstadter: Of course I did, but it's a mother's job to make sure her child's self-esteem is not dependent on anyone's approval.
Leonard: That's so sweet, you think I have self-esteem.

Quote from Leonard

Mary Cooper: How was your flight?
Beverly Hofstadter: Very pleasant. And yours?
Mary Cooper: Lovely. Almost as if someone - not saying who - was watching over the plane.
Beverly Hofstadter: You're kidding, right?
Leonard: Subtle, mom, real subtle.

Quote from Sheldon

Beverly Hofstadter: Mary, I'm curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind?
Sheldon: Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.

Quote from Leonard

Beverly Hofstadter: Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.
Mary Cooper: Oh, he was a handful.
Sheldon: I was a handful.
Leonard: You still are.

Quote from Howard

Bernadette: Guys. In the time you've been sitting here playing video games, I got the car washed, picked up cleaning supplies and went to the bank.
Stuart: I put on pants.
Howard: Kiss-ass.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary Cooper: Shelly does not like change.
Sheldon: True. But all the clenching in the world will not keep testicles in your abdomen.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you're looking for is a double mother suckler
Leonard: Yeah, you're right. That is the term I'm looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler!
Sheldon: Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out, how dare you?

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Penny: We're not in a rush. We'll set a date when the time is right.
Mary Cooper: It doesn't matter, sweetie. The moment a man lays with a woman, they are married in the eyes of the Lord.
Beverly Hofstadter: Ugh.

Quote from Howard

Stuart: Bernadette's not wrong. She does work hard around here.
Raj: Yeah, maybe it's a good thing if she stops babying you so much.
Howard: She doesn't baby me.
Stuart: I saw her pull you home in a wagon.
Howard: For your information, I twisted my ankle chasing the ice cream truck.

Quote from Sheldon

Beverly Hofstadter: I'm terribly sorry that I upset your mother.
Sheldon: Oh, it's all right. She'll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Yeah, and you certainly don't have to earn my love.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Of course you already knew that when you bought me this princess-cut drill bit.

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Beverly Hofstadter: Fascinating. How can someone as enlightened as Sheldon come from someone like you?

Quote from Leonard

Sheldon: It's not my fault your mother likes me better than she does you.
Leonard: Oh, don't flatter yourself. She likes everybody better than she likes me.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: But still, you need to consider how successful Leonard's brother and sister are.
Beverly Hofstadter: I suppose.
Sheldon: While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots.

Quote from Sheldon

Beverly Hofstadter: Do you suppose you would have flourished more in a more reward-based environment?
Sheldon: Perhaps. But my mom made me spaghetti with chopped up hot dogs whenever I wanted, so who cares.

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Beverly Hofstadter: There's something I need to say to you.
Leonard: Oh really? That's too bad.
Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, I always made you earn my affection. But today I realized that there's more than one way to raise a child.
Sheldon: I taught her that!
Beverly Hofstadter: Therefore, I would like to initiate a new protocol wherein I shower you with unconditional love.
Leonard: Wow. When does that start?
Beverly Hofstadter: So needy.

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Mary Cooper: You must be very proud of your son.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, yes. He recently argued a case before the Supreme Court.
Mary Cooper: He did?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, you mean this son. Uh, sure, he's terrific.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: It's so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.
Sheldon: Well, my mother's been there for every honor I've won since I beat out my twin sister for the Did It on the Potty trophy.

Quote from Howard

Stuart: Morning.
Bernadette: We talked about this. I don't mind you still living here, but we got to have some rules. And rule number one is pants.
Howard: Hey. *enters wearing boxer shorts*

Quote from Leonard

Mary Cooper: Hey, who's in the mood for spaghetti and hot dogs?
Leonard: Oh me.
Penny: Yeah, me too.
Mary Cooper: Coming up.
Leonard: I don't really feel I deserve it.

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Beverly Hofstadter: So, have you and Penny set a wedding date?
Leonard: No, we're kind of taking it slow.
Beverly Hofstadter: I see.
Leonard: What does that mean?
Beverly Hofstadter: You've been on and off with this woman for seven years and engaged for one year. One has to wonder if there's a problem. Are you having satisfactory intercourse?
Leonard: Yes, Mother.
Beverly Hofstadter: Only satisfactory. I see.

Quote from Penny

Penny: How about we all stop hitting ourselves and talk about something safe? You know, like shoes, or how cute little Chinese babies are.

Quote from Sheldon

Beverly Hofstadter: But look how well you turned out.
Sheldon: I'd feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me?

Quote from Mary Cooper

Sheldon: Leonard's mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she's here?
Mary Cooper: Are you ashamed of me?
Sheldon: Of course not. I love you. I'm just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say.
Mary Cooper: Well, I love you, too, my little bowl of lion chow.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Oh, and here's a picture of me receiving my bachelor of science degree.
Beverly Hofstadter: You don't look very happy.
Sheldon: Well, I had just begun puberty. It was figuratively and literally one of the hairiest moments of my life.

Quote from Howard

Howard: It's time for me to act like an adult in this marriage. Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash.
*garbage falls out of the bottom of bag*
Bernie, I made a mess!

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Leonard: See this right here. What you're doing. Can you please not do that around Sheldon's mom?
Beverly Hofstadter: Why, are you attracted to her, too?

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