Quotes from ‘The Helium Insufficiency’

The Helium Insufficiency

'The Helium Insufficiency' - Season 9, Episode 6

In the midst of a nation-wide helium shortage, Sheldon and Leonard take desperate measures to get the supplies they need. Also, Penny and Bernadette download a dating app on Amy's phone to try and find her a new man.

Air Date: October 26, 2015.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: What are we going to do?
Sheldon: Perform the experiment immediately.
Leonard: I'd love to, but we need liquid helium and our shipment's on back order for a month.
Sheldon: A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow.
Leonard: That shirt brings out the blue in your eyes.
Sheldon: Thank you. Aren't you sweet.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Uh, but this is violating university code.
Leonard: A little, but if I may quote Einstein, "The pursuit of science calls us to ignore the rules set by man"
Sheldon: Huh. All right, do it. Tell him we're in.
Leonard: Done.
Sheldon: I can't find that quote on the Internet. Did you make that up?
Leonard: Before I answer, may I just say your skin has never looked better.
Sheldon: Aren't you just made of sugar.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: He has glasses and I'm a know-it-all. We are not built for prison.

Dealer: But you ain't getting your money back.
Sheldon: You're taking advantage of us? We clarified nomenclature together.
Dealer: Look, I enjoy semantic digressions as much as the next guy, but, uh, this is business.

Leonard: It says right here on Wikipedia, "A Mexican standoff is a confrontation between at least three parties."
Sheldon: How can you trust Wikipedia if they use "between" to refer to three parties?
Dealer: They should've used "among," right?
Sheldon: Or "amongst," if they were feeling whimsically archaic.
Dealer: All right, enough with the chitchat. Are we gonna watch Ernest Goes to Jail or not?
Sheldon: Absolutely. But don't be surprised if this movie sets you on the straight and narrow.
Dealer: I am open to change.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Leonard, if that Swedish team beats us, I will never be able to enjoy anything from their country again. Which is a shame, because Swedish meatballs are my favorite toothpick-delivered meatball.

Quote from Penny

Bernadette: Hey, you know who went out on a date the other night? Stuart.
Penny: Oh, good for him.
Bernadette: I thought so, too.
Penny: So is she, like, homeless, or framing him for a crime?

Quote from Stuart

Penny: Well, so how does it work?
Stuart: Ah, well, it shows me all the single women in a five-mile radius who are using the app. If I like the way they look, I hit thumbs up. If I don't, thumbs down.
Bernadette: Oh, what would make you give a girl a thumbs down?
Stuart: First time it happens I will let you know.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Oh, hey. I just heard back from the liquid helium guy.
Sheldon: What'd he say?
Leonard: He's got what we need and can meet us tonight.
Sheldon: Oh, really? You know I don't like buying things at night.
January 7, 2009. I went to the Ralph's at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin' Oat Bran for the morning, and what did I see?
Leonard: The man restocking the cereal shelves.
Sheldon: That's right. And what did he do?
Leonard: He handed you the box directly and called you Stretch.
Sheldon: (shudders) It's like it was yesterday.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: That must be him.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. A nondescript, white panel van.
You may be familiar with it from the sentence: "Their bodies were found in a nondescript, white panel van."

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: And I'm sorry I lied about being a wedding planner who can't find love. Although I am currently single, if you know anybody.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: He wants more money.
Sheldon: Well, it better not be more than a thousand dollars. That's all I've got on me.
Dealer: That's exactly how much it is.
Sheldon: Finally, something breaks our way.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Well, the Swedes might beat us, but at least we won't get gang-noogied in prison.
Leonard: Is Ernest Goes to Jail the only prison movie you've seen?
Sheldon: It scared me straight, Leonard.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Oh, he's cute!
Bernadette: Doesn't a teardrop tattoo mean he murdered someone?
Penny: And he's sad about it.

Quote from Howard

Amy: Uh, excuse me, can I have my phone back?
Howard: Hang on, I'm trying to find you the next great love of your life. The man who will father your children.
Okay, yes or no on white guy with dreadlocks?

Quote from Raj

Amy: Aren't we being a little mean?
Raj: That's a fair point. We wouldn't make fun of someone like this to their face.
Penny: Look, it's Stuart!
Raj: You may want to leave the room.

Quote from Stuart

Bernadette: And how many guys have you gone out with?
Stuart: Please be less than two.
Amy: Three.
Stuart: Damn it.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Okay, does everyone remember the rules? If he's shirtless, one sip. Posing with a pet, two sips. Pet and shirtless, chug like it's your job.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Leonard, I've got terrible news.
Leonard: What's going on?
Sheldon: Before I tell you, perhaps I should soften the blow. Your face is pleasingly symmetrical.
Leonard: Just tell me.
Sheldon: A Swedish team of physicists is trying to scoop our super-fluid vortex experiment.
Leonard: Oh, well, that kind of stinks.
Sheldon: "That kind of stinks?" Why aren't you more upset? Did I soften the blow too much? Because this here (Leonard's face) is more like a Picasso painting.

Quote from Barry Kripke

Leonard: Hey, Barry, we're in trouble. We need liquid helium. Does the department have any we can use?
Barry Kripke: Sorry, there's a shortage. And what we do have I need for my quantum excitation study.
Sheldon: But you won't need much for that.
Barry Kripke: True, but if it's successful, I'm having a party with balloons.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Come on, Barry, there's a Swedish team trying to run our experiment before us.
Can't you spare any?
Barry Kripke: Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: No chance.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn't your mother tell you? It's the best policy.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Why do you need Kripke? Why don't you just go to Party City for helium?
Leonard: We'd have to go to every Party City in California.
Howard: Sounds like you on Cinco de Mayo.
Raj: Hey, people were still talking about that party on siete de Mayo.

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: If you need liquid helium so bad, I know a guy who can get you some, if you don't ask too many questions.
Leonard: Who is he?
Sheldon: Where does he work?
Leonard: How does he get the helium?
Sheldon: How many questions are too many questions?
Howard: Maybe he's not for you.
Sheldon: Four questions. The answer's four.

Quote from Penny

Bernadette: He's using some kind of dating app on his phone.
Penny: Oh, which one? Maybe we can get Amy to try it.
Bernadette: I don't know. Stuart, can you come in here? He tried to explain it to me.
It shows you pictures of people nearby, you swipe them around, it looks kind of like a game.
Penny: Oh, and if you lose the game, you have to go out with Stuart.

Quote from Stuart

Stuart: What's up?
Bernadette: Can you show us that dating app?
Sutart: Oh, yeah, sure. This thing has changed my life.
Penny: Wow. So how many girls have you met?
Stuart: Two. I probably don't need to mention there's an entire number between that and zero.

Quote from Howard

Bernadette: Hey, I thought you were gonna be out late?
Howard: If you wanted me to stay out later, you should've given me more spending money.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Uh, no no, uh, definitely not.
Howard: What was wrong with that guy?
Raj: Uh, he's Indian. We've already got one of those.
Ooh, we should find a nice Latino. Really round us out.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Wait, hold on, hold on. How do we know that you're not gonna take the money and drive away?
Leonard: What ya doing, Skippy?
Sheldon: Exactly what 1970s television crime dramas have taught us.
You give us the helium first.
Dealer: Oh, how do I know you're not gonna drive away without paying me?
Sheldon: Guess I'm not the only one who watches '70s television crime dramas.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Look, you can trust us. We're respected scientists.
Sheldon: Well, he is. I'm a wedding planner, who can't find love himself. It's ironic, but the point is, we can't trust you. You're a sketchy character in a parking garage.
Dealer: Yeah, well, from my perspective, that's how you two appear to me.
Sheldon: Well, I never thought of it like that. Boy, frame of reference will just sneak up on you, won't it?

Quote from Sheldon

Dealer: No money, no helium. Seems we're at a, uh, stalemate.
Sheldon: Not technically. In chess, a stalemate refers to a situation in which there are no remaining moves.
Uh, you have plenty of moves available. You could beat us up and steal the money. You could kill us, you know.
Really, you're only limited by your imagination.

Quote from Sheldon

Dealer: Huh. All these years, I've been using stalemate, when I really mean impasse. I feel foolish.
Leonard: I don't think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff. What are we gonna do here?
Dealer: Oh, whoa, whoa, how can it be a Mexican standoff? Everybody knows you need three sides for that.
Sheldon: Not necessarily. Uh, many argue the essence of a Mexican standoff is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm.
Dealer: Hmm, I don't follow.
Sheldon: Let me give you an example. Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your e-mail, and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald.
From that, I figured out where you live and where you work.
Now, to make this a Mexican standoff, I would say something like, uh, "You give us the helium or I'll turn you in to the authorities."
Dealer: Is that a threat?
Sheldon: Yeah, exactly. See, you're getting it.
Dealer: Yeah, well, I know where you work, all right? And if you mess with me, I'll report you, then I'll pound your asses into the ground.
Sheldon: Perfect! Now we really are in a Mexican stand-off.

Dealer: It's a shame about those scientists ripping you off. I expected a higher ethical standard from our friends in Sweden.

Quote from Howard

Bernadette: Ew, check out his tiny teeth. He looks like a man-dolphin.
Penny: Wait, if he's good in bed, she can throw him a fish.
Howard: (high-pitched) I love you, Amy. (dolphin sounds)

Quote from Leonard

Sheldon: What if the helium dealer rats us out? What if Kripke asks where we got it? What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don't have an Uncle Harvey?
Leonard: The dealer doesn't care, Kripke has no authority over us, and you being related to a metal container would explain a lot.

Quote from Raj

Amy: It's going fine. It's mostly just been meeting people for coffee.
Raj: Wha?!
I thought we were all- Never mind.

Quote from Barry Kripke

Leonard: Can you give us a minute?
Barry Kripke: Take your time. I'll walk out backwards for dramatic effect.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Uh, I'm Leonard. This is my friend-
Sheldon: I'm Skippy. Skippy Cavanaugh.

Quote from Leonard

Sheldon: Is this one of those times where I've won the battle but lost the war?
Leonard: Afraid so, Skippy.
Sheldon: I told you we shouldn't go shopping at night.

Quote from Howard

Penny: Where do we stand on cross-eyed Mike?
Raj: You know he won't be looking at other girls.
Howard: Unless they're sitting on the end of his nose.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Right this way, Uncle Harvey.
Leonard: Will you stop with that already?
Sheldon: I'm trying not to attract attention.
Leonard: And tipping his hat to the cleaning lady didn't do that?
Sheldon: She said, "Buenas noches." What was he supposed to do?

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