Penny: Oh, it's Leonard. He says Sheldon's drunk and they're gonna do karaoke if we want to join them.
Penny: That sounds fun.
Amy: Oh, no. Sheldon's drunk texting me.
Bernadette: What's it say?
Amy: "Would you like to sing karaoke with us."
Bernadette: How is that a drunk text?
Amy: He used a period instead of a question mark. He's so wasted.

Raj: Look at that. You've known you're gonna be a father for less than a day and you're already stepping up.
Leonard: I'm telling you, you got this.
Howard: Maybe you're right.
Sheldon: Of course he's right. You and I both know how hard it is growing up without a father. That's why I'm confident you're gonna be the best dad you can be.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're welcome. And if he has twins, we can do all kinds of neat experiments on them.

Sheldon: You're kidding! What kind of maniacs have coitus in someone else's bedroom?!
Howard: Thank you, Pasadena! Good night!

Howard: I love you. And I'm not just saying that because your breasts are gonna get bigger.

Amy: Are you hungry? How about that sushi place you love?
Bernadette: Doctor said I can't have sushi.
Penny: Okay, look, we don't have to go anywhere. We can just, you know, stay here and hang out in the hot tub.
Bernadette: Doctor said I can't go in the hot tub.
Amy: Maybe you should get a new doctor. What, he said you can't laugh either?

Amy: How could you do that?
Bernadette: I'm sorry, but you know what it's like when you're with your man and one thing leads to another.
Amy: I do know what that's like. I really do.

Amy: So, when did you guys decide to get pregnant?
Bernadette: Well, we didn't exactly decide. We were talking about it, and then one night we got a little reckless.
Penny: Oh, tell us!
Amy: Yeah, tell us.
Bernadette: No, I'm embarrassed.
Penny: Oh, come on, we're all grown-ups. We've all done it.
Amy: Me, me, me too! I'm a grown-up and I've done it!

Sheldon: Where's the bathroom?
Raj: Uh, it's in the corner.
Sheldon: Excuse me.
(To strangers at another table)
Hey, how you doin'?
Raj: I hope the bathroom is clearly marked.
Leonard: Doesn't matter. He's headed for the kitchen anyway.

Sheldon: This place is terrific. Why have we never been here before?
Leonard: The same reason we don't do a lot of fun stuff - you.

Howard: Oh. I mean, how do you prepare for something like this? I'm not even sure I've held a baby before.
Bernadette: Oh, it's okay, you'll figure it out.
Howard: But how's this all gonna work? Do we get a nanny? I mean, can we afford a nanny? And if we can, we can't get a pretty one, 'cause it'll wreck our marriage.
We can't get an ugly one, 'cause it'll scare the kid.
Bernadette: I don't know, Howie.
Howard: Are we in a good school district? You're Catholic, I'm Jewish. What religion do we raise it? And if it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? People say it's barbaric, but if we don't, it looks like a pig in a blanket.
Bernadette: Calm down, it's gonna be okay.
Howard: How's it gonna be okay? Look at me, I'm a mess. And that means this baby's gonna half a mess. And that's even before we screw it up with our cut-rate moderately attractive nanny.

Amy: How are you doing?
Sheldon: Oh, wonderful. I'm being musically encouraged to bust a move. If I knew what that meant, I might just do it.

Leonard: It'll be fine. People have kids every day. You'll figure this out.
Raj: Yeah, come on, this is great news and you know it.
Howard: You're right, it is, I'm just a little overwhelmed right now.
Leonard: Hey, you know what we should do?
Sheldon: All get vasectomies so this doesn't happen to us?
Leonard: Go out and celebrate. But not your worst idea.

Leonard: What's going on?
Howard: I'm, uh uh, gonna be a father.
Leonard: What? Congratulations.
Raj: That's so amazing.
Sheldon: Oh, no.
Leonard: Why "oh, no"?
Sheldon: Because this changes everything. What about comic book night? Uh, what about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?
Leonard: Relax, there's room for two babies in this group.
Sheldon: Oh, dear L- Penny's pregnant, too?
Leonard: You're the other baby.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Okay, well, would a baby have to shave once every 11 days?
Leonard: Would an adult refuse to eat his graham crackers because one of them was broken?
Sheldon: I guess we'll call this a draw.

Penny: So, you gonna get up there later?
Sheldon: A microphone, a room full of inaccurate depictions of Polynesian religion, and a captive audience to hear about it? You bet I am.

Howard: Oh, my God, and do you have any idea how expensive having a kid is?
Raj: I read that in Los Angeles, raising a child through college can cost over a million dollars.
Howard: A million dollars? God, it's like my nuts just kicked me in the nuts.

Bernadette: You guys can go in if you want.
Penny: No, we're a team. If you can't go in, we're not going in.
Amy: Then why are we drinking?
Penny: Okay, it's not like she's got the Christ child in there, all right?

Amy: Think about all the fun things you get to do when you have a baby.
Penny: Yeah, yeah. You get to buy toys and little clothes.
Bernadette: I kind of already do that for Howie.

Sheldon: That's some smart talk from a guy who can't even keep his face in focus.

Leonard: Buddy, I think you might be overreacting.
Howard: And then there's this nose. I mean, what if he looks like me? Or worse what if she looks like me?

Howard: If I'm gonna have any chance of raising this kid, I need to come up with a big idea to make some money.
Leonard: There's no reason you can't.
Howard: That's easy for you to say. You and Sheldon already came up with your superfluid helium model.
Leonard: That's just research. We're never gonna make any money from it.
Sheldon: Forget helium. The real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. It reminds me of my daddy's secret "Don't Tell Mama" juice.

Howard: That's it. I got to start earning more money right now.
Raj: I know, you could ask Bernadette for a raise in your allowance.
Howard: This isn't a joke.
Raj: I wasn't joking.

Amy: Hey, let's go do something to get your mind off this.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, we should go out.
Bernadette: Where?
Penny: Uh, I don't know, a bar?
Bernadette: Can't drink.
Penny: We can, but all right.

Sheldon: Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything's going to change. Howard won't be able to come over as much.
Raj: Well, he could bring the baby here.
Sheldon: Oh, but then we'd have to baby-proof the apartment. You know, my sister has one of those toilet locks in her bathroom. I have two doctorates, I still had to go in the sink.

Raj: I'd like to propose a toast to our friend, Howard. His, um, his big heart, his beautiful soul-
Leonard: And his tight little pants that somehow did not make him sterile.

Penny: That was such a fun night.
Leonard: Probably 'cause you got to see your man up there rockin' the mic.
Penny: Yeah, yeah. I was a little surprised when you decided to beat-box.
Leonard: Oh, that was really an asthma attack. I just sold it.

Howard: Okay, how about this for an invention: slightly bigger cocktail umbrellas?
Leonard: How is that a new invention?
Howard: I don't know. All Apple does is change the size of things and we keep buying them.
Raj: It's true. I like my giant iPad and my little iPad almost as much as my regular-sized iPad.

Leonard: Hey, Raj, I read a couple guys in your department may have discovered a new planet in our solar system?
Sheldon: Oh, I heard about that. Why didn't you discover it?
Raj: Because instead of being in the telescope room, I was busy making you guys homemade jam for the holidays.
Sheldon: Well, you be sure to let us know when you win the Nobel Prize for boysenberry

Howard: I shouldn't be raising a kid. I don't even eat my own vegetables.

Howard: Morning.
Bernadette: Morning.
Howard: "We"? What is this?
Bernadette: I don't know. Maybe it says something on the back.
Howard: "Continued on milk." If you're tricking me into making my own breakfast, it didn't work for my mom, and it won't work for you.
"Are."
"We are ... see spoons for more."
Bernadette: What could it be? "We are Groot?" "We are the champions?" "We are family, I got all my sisters with me?"
Howard: Are you serious?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Howard: Are you sure?
Bernadette: Pretty positive. That's a joke, because the pregnancy test says-
Howard: Oh, my God. This is incredible.
We're gonna be parents.
We're gonna get to board planes first.
We're finally gonna get to see what's in that family bathroom at the mall.

Howard: Look at this. I bet whoever invented tiny umbrellas doesn't have to worry about money. He can have all the kids he wants.
Sheldon: And can keep a small portion of their heads dry.

Sheldon: You guys, the bathroom here is amazing. There's people cooking in it.

Howard: I'd like to dedicate my last song of the evening to my wife, best friend, and now the mother of our child. I love you, Bernie.
"Havin' my baby / What a lovely way of sayin' / How much you love me / Havin' my baby / What a lovely way of sayin' / What you're thinkin' of me"

Leonard: I'm not seeing anyone using liquid helium vortices like this.
Howard: I'm not finding anything either.
Raj: That's a good sign.
Sheldon: Oh, wait, I found something.
Howard: Damn. What is it?
Sheldon: This video. The baby panda sneezes, and the mama panda gets so scared.

Howard: Maybe that's an idea, guidance systems for drunk people.
Raj: They have that. It's called Uber.

Bernadette: Yeah, it's all real exciting.
Penny: Are-are you not happy about this?
Bernadette: I am. Of course I am. I'm sure it's just the hormones. But it's weird. Howie's the one who's been talking about having kids for years, and I was all excited to tell him because I thought he'd be thrilled, but then he started to flip out and now this feels like a bad idea and I'm gonna get fat.
Penny: No, no, come on. Come on, you're not gonna get fat. You're gonna be beautiful and glowing and have the cutest little baby bump ever.
Bernadette: Easy for you to say, skinny bitch.

Bernadette: Sorry, hormones.
Penny: Oh, that's all right. All I heard was "skinny."

Leonard: Can you focus on what we're talking about?
Sheldon: All right. Look, now, this may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus force issue should be negligible.
Raj: Even drunk, he's still smarter than all of us.
Sheldon: And stronger. Yeah, who wants to see me beat up the bartender?
Leonard: I'd enjoy that.
Sheldon: Nah, she's a good kid.

Leonard: Ready to play when you are.
Howard: Yeah, um, in a minute. I actually need to tell you guys something.
Raj: If it's "thank you" for the homemade jam you got in December, congratulations, you're the first one.

Bernadette: So, I'm glad you guys are here. There's something I want to share with you. Howie and I are going to-
Penny: (phone beeps) Leonard says you're pregnant.
Amy: What?
Penny: "Don't say anything. Act surprised when she tells you." All right, how you want to do this?

Bernadette: We were out one night, and things got a little spontaneous.
Amy: Oh, that sounds juicy.
Bernadette: Well, Sheldon was going on and on about time zones and railroad schedules, and I went out-
Penny: Wait, I remember that. Hang on. You did it at our place?
Bernadette: Kind of on Sheldon's bed.
Amy: What?!
Penny: No!
Bernadette: I was headed to the bathroom, and I passed Howie on his way out. Usually he says, "Do not go in there," but this time he said, "Hey, let's go in here."

Raj: Groundbreaking revelations, tropical drinks. Tell me this isn't like the best episode of Sex and the City.