Quotes from ‘The Application Deterioration’

The Application Deterioration

'The Application Deterioration' - Season 9, Episode 18

Leonard, Sheldon, and Wolowitz run into problems when they file for a patent for their infinite persistence gyroscope. Also, Penny, Amy and Bernadette give Koothrappali dating advice when Emily reaches out to him after their breakup.

Air Date: March 10, 2016.

Quote from Leonard

Howard: See, he's not wearing a tie.
Leonard: Well, he's a patent attorney. Maybe his tie is pending.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Hold on, hold on. So the three of us do all the work and only end up with 25%? Patent Attorney: Dr. Hofstadter, this university has been paying your salaries for over ten years. Did you think we do that out of the goodness of our hearts?
Leonard: Well, until you just said that mean thing, kinda.

Quote from Raj

Raj: That was rough, you guys.
Penny: I know, but you did it. I'm so proud of you.
Raj: Well, anyway, I'll leave you to your girls' night.
Amy: Are you sure you don't want to stay here with us?
Raj: No, I kind of feel like being alone right now.
Bernadette: Well, if you change your mind, we'll be here.
Raj: Thank you.
Penny: Say hi to Emily for us.
Raj: Will do!

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Guys, everyone is involved in this, okay? Howard's invention, Sheldon's math, my original theory that space-time was like a supercooled liquid. Which I'm sure Penny would've mentioned if she wasn't working on that hangnail right now.
Penny: What?

Quote from Penny

Leonard: They've been out there a while.
Amy: I hope everything's okay.
Sheldon: I wonder what they're talking about.
Penny: (eavesdropping at the door) If you guys would shut up, I could tell you.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Hang on. Maybe there should be a "no insult" clause about me, too.
Sheldon: Do you still like cilantro?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: You're tying my hands here.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Okay, I gotta ask. Why are you wearing a bow tie?
Sheldon: I've never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.
Howard: Oh. Is the impression that your first name is Pee-Wee?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Yeah, well, you're an engineer. End of joke, burn.

Quote from Sheldon

Patent Attorney: So, I've reviewed your paperwork, and it seems like we've got everything we need to file a patent for your infinite persistence gyroscope.
Sheldon: That's great!
Howard: Excellent.
Leonard: So what happens next?
Patent Attorney: Well, the legal team needs to review existing patents to avoid overlap.
Howard: Oh, I don't think there will be.
Leonard: Yes, we did our own search.
Patent Attorney: That's nice, but I think ours might be a bit more thorough.
Sheldon: (chuckling) Get a load of this guy.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Can you imagine if we make money with this?
Leonard: If we do, I am splurging on the best sinus irrigator money can buy.
Howard: That old sad story. Guy gets a little money, goes straight up his nose.

Quote from Sheldon

Patent Attorney: Just need you to review and sign this document acknowledging that you understand the university will own 75% of the patent.
Howard: 75%?
Sheldon: That's outrageous. This is our idea based on our research. How can you possibly justify owning a majority share?
Patent Attorney: It's university policy.
Sheldon: Well, I know when I'm beat.

Quote from Sheldon

Patent Attorney: And as far as Mr. Wolowitz is concerned, I'm afraid as a federal employee on loan from NASA, your name can be on the patent, but you're not entitled to an ownership share.
Howard: Wait, so this can turn out to be a financial success, and I get nothing?
Patent Attorney: Well, sometimes they give you a plaque.
Sheldon: Well, that's not fair. We should all get plaques.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Sorry, but we can't sign this.
Howard: Come on, let's go.
Leonard: Thank you for your time.
Sheldon: You know, couple of questions about the plaque- (Leonard pulls Sheldon out of the room)

Quote from Penny

Amy: So, have you been having any morning sickness?
Bernadette: A little. And it doesn't help that I've got this heightened sense of smell.
Penny: Is that a pregnancy thing?
Bernadette: Yeah, the other day I sniffed out where Howie hid the Girl Scout cookies. No more Tagalongs, my ass.
Penny: But now you'll be able to make your own milk to eat the cookies with.

Quote from Raj

Raj: I mean, do I open it? Do I return it?
Amy: Why wouldn't you open it?
Raj: Well, she was pretty mad. For all I know it's a voodoo doll of me with a fork stuck in my junk.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: You don't think she'd actually send you something gross or dangerous, do you?
Penny: I know one way to find out. Sniff this.
Amy: She's pregnant, she's not a bloodhound.
Bernadette: Although I am getting a little machine oil. I think it's metal.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Come on, just open it.
Raj: You know, on Game of Thrones, Balon Greyjoy received his son's genitals in a box.
Penny: Well, never hurts to have a spare.

Quote from Penny

Bernadette: What is that?
Raj: Wow, it's an antique sextant. Sailors used these to find their position by the stars.
Amy: What a nice gift for an astrophysicist.
Raj: I know, she's so thoughtful.
Penny: See, she's trying to get you back. Now, that is exactly what I would've gotten you if I had any idea what it is or what you do.

Quote from Amy

Raj: You know, I have too much self-esteem to let this girl guilt me into getting back together with her.
Amy: You don't need to be pregnant to smell that load of crap.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Well, what if we go around the university and just get the patent ourselves?
Howard: We can't. It says on their web site, as long as we work there, they have a controlling ownership of anything we come up with.
Sheldon: Great, so they own my idea for a T-shirt that says "Dumb as a Bag of Geologists."

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Well, our choices are we do this with the university or we don't do it at all.
Howard: Either way, I get nothing.
Leonard: Or, if we ended up making money from this, Sheldon and I could split our shares with you.
Sheldon: To be clear, Leonard is referring to the gyroscope, not the T-shirt and mugs.
Oh, now they own the mugs!

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: You guys would be cool doing it like that?
Leonard: Of course, we can split any profits three ways.
Sheldon: I'm fine with that.
Howard: Okay, great.
Sheldon: It sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order.
Leonard: Sure, we could write something up.
Sheldon: But which one of us should be the party who-
Howard: You can do it, Sheldon.
Sheldon: (excitedly) So stipulated!
Leonard: Once I found a stash of contracts under his bed. It was weird.

Quote from Penny

Bernadette: I wonder how much she spent on this.
Amy: Ooh, let's find out.
Raj: It doesn't matter. It's the thought that counts.
Penny: Yeah, yeah. Beauty's on the inside, size doesn't matter - how much did she spend?

Quote from Bernadette

Raj: Seriously, guys, I don't want to know.
Amy: Oh, my.
Raj: Oh, come on, you can't say "Oh, my!" and then not tell me!
Amy: These things go for $500 and up.
Bernadette: Damn! All I got for Valentine's Day was a postcard saying my Vermont Teddy Bear was back-ordered.

Quote from Raj

Penny: Okay, so, she drops off a $500 gift and she's not trying to get back together with you?
Raj: Maybe you're right.
Bernadette: Or she's telling the truth and just being nice.
Raj: Maybe you're right. Wow, I am easy to manipulate.

Quote from Penny

Raj: Oh, guys, it's Emily. What should I do?
Penny: Okay, answer it. Just be strong. And if she starts to cry, don't make any promises. And most importantly, put it on speaker so we can hear.

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: This contract looks good to me.
Sheldon: I'll say it looks good. It's in my proprietary font, Shelvetica.
Leonard: I want to say something obnoxious, but it is easy on the eyes.

Quote from Penny

Bernadette: I'm a little tired, Howie. You ready to go?
Howard: Yeah, one sec. I just need to sign this contract.
Bernadette: What is it?
Howard: Well, we ran into a problem about my share of the patent, so we're forming a partnership to split anything we make equally.
Penny: Sheldon, did you draft the contract?
Sheldon: You bet I did.
Penny: Ooh. (To Amy) You're gonna make out so hard tonight!

Quote from Sheldon

Bernadette: So, you're just gonna sign this without having a lawyer look at it?
Sheldon: Excuse me. I've been drafting contracts since kindergarten. Didn't need a lawyer to get me out of finger painting. Don't need one now.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: If she doesn't think that we should apply for this patent, she's being patently absurd.
Leonard: Good one.
Sheldon: Okay, you got it. See, I was afraid it was a thinker.

Quote from Howard

Howard: What are you doing?
Bernadette: I just want to make sure you've thought this through.
Howard: What's to think about? We have an invention and want to move forward.
Bernadette: Howie, you're about to form a legal partnership with Sheldon Cooper.
Howard: All right, if you're gonna calmly make excellent points, then I don't know if I want to talk to you.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Okay, I get it. And it's sweet that you're worried about me, but I can take care of myself.
Bernadette: I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me. I don't want to go through this pregnancy listening to you complain about Sheldon driving you crazy more than you already do.
Howard: Oh, here we go with the ironclad logic again.

Quote from Howard

Bernadette: You've tried to work with him before. It hasn't gone well. Why is this time gonna be any different?
Howard: Is the fetus helping you? 'Cause that's cheating.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Hello?
Claire: Hey, Raj. It's Claire. How are you?
Raj: Hi. I'm good. Really good.
Well, I don't know why I said "really good." I'm just regular good. I really just wanted to sound confident. And that "really" was a real "really", not a fake "really" like the first "really."
Claire: Really?
Raj: I don't know. I lost track and I missed my exit.

Quote from Raj

Raj: So, uh so what's up?
Claire: Well, last time we talked, I had just gotten back together with my boyfriend, and I wanted to let you know that things didn't work out.
Raj: Really? I'm sorry, I swear I know other words.

Quote from Raj

Claire: So if you were still interested-
Raj: Yes! Indeed! Absolutely! Indubitably! I'm not even sure what the last one means, but it's another word, and I know it.

Quote from Raj

Raj: So, uh, when do you want to meet up?
Claire: Uh, I'm almost off work. What are you doing now? Right now, well- Well, actually, tto be completely honest, I'm stopping by to see my ex-girlfriend because she's having a tough time. But it's not like we're getting back together or anything.
Claire: Let me guess, the worst part about breaking up is that she doesn't have her best friend to talk to anymore?
Raj: That's exactly what she said! How do you know that?
Claire: I'm a girl. It's, like, page one out of the playbook.
Raj: Any chance you could send me a PDF of that playbook?

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: But, um, we were talking, and I'm a little concerned about the three of us forming a partnership.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting a limited liability corporation? Cause I did not L-L-"see" that coming.

Quote from Leonard

Penny: What if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful?
Leonard: Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don't know about?

Quote from Sheldon

Penny: No, what I'm saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can't make fun of Howard.
Bernadette: How would you enforce it?
Sheldon: Oh, please. Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.
Amy: And his obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Sheldon: Yeah, that, too. And scoot over. Part of your shadow's on my spot.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Howard, what do you think?
Howard: I'm on board.
Sheldon: I'll add it right now. Oh, baby, it's addendum time!

Quote from Amy

Sheldon: The revisions I made start on page four.
Penny: Wow. That is a lot of "whereupons".
Amy: You should see the Valentine's Day card he gave me.

Quote from Howard

Howard: "Article three: As it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to: mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was, quote, 'not that bad'."

Quote from Leonard

Penny: Wait, wait, wait. What are these changes on page six?
Amy: Sheldon, what did you do?
Howard: I should've known.
Bernadette: "25% of profits due to Sheldon Cooper will be allocated to a scholarship fund for the firstborn child of Howard and Bernadette Wolowitz." Sheldon, that's so nice.
Leonard: That beats the onesie I was gonna get them from Baby Gap.

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: That's very generous, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, I've always valued education over money. And the very fact that you needed a written guarantee of respect made me realize how dismissive I've been of your contributions.
Howard: I appreciate that.
Sheldon: And I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the sub-par education and menial life of an engineer.
Amy: Sheldon!
Sheldon: What? I didn't sign it yet.

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