Quotes from ‘The Convergence Convergence’

The Convergence Convergence

'The Convergence Convergence' - Season 9, Episode 24

Chaos ensues when Leonard's recently divorced parents, Alfred (Judd Hirsch) and Beverly (Christine Baranski), and Sheldon's devoutly religious mother, Mary (Laurie Metcalf), come to town. Also, Wolowitz and Koothrappali think the government is out to get them when they are contacted about their guidance system.

Air Date: May 12, 2016.

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Alfred Hofstadter: I, uh, I would also like to make a toast.
Penny: Aww.
Alfred Hofstadter: Leonard, I am so happy that you have found a woman who loves and cares for you.
Beverly Hofstadter: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Alfred Hofstadter: Why don't you take a pill?
Beverly Hofstadter: Like you did before sex?
Alfred Hofstadter: What I really needed was a blindfold.

Quote from Penny

Sheldon: She's still not answering.
Leonard: My father's not texting me back.
Penny: 'cause they both turned their phones off.
Sheldon: I don't like this at all.
Leonard: I don't like it either.
Penny: Really? 'cause I love it.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: I'd love it if my dad could come.
Penny: Oh, you have to invite him. I haven't seen him since the divorce.
Leonard: Oh, he's like a different man. He stopped twitching, and I think he grew an inch and a half.

Quote from Mary Cooper

Mary Cooper: I've always had a special place in my heart for Leonard. Taking care of my baby all these years.
Sheldon: Excuse me, I take care of him.
Mary Cooper: Sure you do.

Quote from Bernadette

Raj: Okay, look, I'm on the Air Force Web site, and the department that e-mailed you is in charge of acquisitions. So maybe they just want to give you a lot of money for your invention.
Howard: Oh, please, that's not how it works. You saw E.T., Avatar, Jurassic World. The military just shows up and takes over.
Bernadette: You do realize those weren't documentaries, right?

Quote from Mary Cooper

Mary Cooper: All right, everyone, calm down. Let's all remember what it says in the Bible: "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty."
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, dear woman, can you please read another book?
Mary Cooper: When God writes one, I will.

Quote from Penny

Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Hi, how was the screening?
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon invoked Rosa Parks to make somebody who cut the line feel bad, but only the white people felt bad.
Penny: Ugh, I should've never bought him that colouring book that explains Black History Month.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: How'd it go with my mother?
Penny: Uh, you know, it started a little rocky, but I think we got to a good place.
Leonard: Wow. Well done.
Penny: Yeah, and when I dropped her off at the hotel, she even gave me a hug.
Leonard: Did she think you were choking or ...?

Quote from Leonard

Penny: Um, so listen, I don't know if you have any plans next weekend, but I kind of promised your mom we'd have another wedding ceremony so she could attend this time.
Leonard: Wait, we're gonna get married again?
Penny: Yeah, kind of, but now we can invite our friends and family.
Leonard: Seems like a lot of trouble for a hug.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Well, then it's settled. Yay. So funny. I never thought my second marriage would be to you.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hey, good news, I just got off the phone with my mother. She is coming to the wedding.
Penny: Okay, wait, you're inviting people to our wedding?
Sheldon: Yes, I'm inviting people to our wedding. Yeah, I've already asked Stephen Hawking and Robert Downey Jr, and, now don't get your hopes up, 'cause he's pretty busy, but Erno Rubik.
Bernadette: Who's Erno Rubik?
Sheldon: Seriously? He invented the Rubik's Cube.
Penny: Okay, fine, but why would you invite him to our wedding?
Sheldon: Because, despite his fame and fortune, he strikes me as a lonely man.

Quote from Leonard

Beverly Hofstadter: How dare you invite your father without consulting me.
Leonard: Sorry, but I don't think I need your permission to have my father at my wedding.
Beverly Hofstadter: You do understand our marriage ended because he had an affair.
Leonard: I know, and there's no excuse for that.
Beverly Hofstadter: He claimed I was cold, emasculating, and hadn't shown him any physical affection for years.
Leonard: I was wrong, there's three excuses for that.

Quote from Sheldon

Mary Cooper: Thank you for picking me up.
Sheldon: Oh, you're welcome.
Mary Cooper: I was speaking to your young lady.
Amy: My pleasure, Mrs. Cooper.
Mary Cooper: Oh, please call me Mary.
Amy: Okay, Mary.
Sheldon: You know, that doesn't work for me, let's stay with Mrs. Cooper.
Mary Cooper: Sheldon, don't be silly.
Sheldon: Wh-, what? That's what I called you 'til I got to know you better.

Quote from Mary Cooper

Mary Cooper: So who else is coming to this shindig?
Amy: Oh, well, the usual gang. Penny's family is coming tomorrow.
Sheldon: Yeah, and Leonards mother's already here.
Mary Cooper: Oh. Beverly. How nice.
Amy: You've met her, right?
Mary Cooper: Yes, I have. (reveals her cross necklace)
Sheldon: Mother, she's an atheist, not a vampire.
Mary Cooper: Either way, let's stop and get some garlic.

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Penny: Whew, chilly.
Amy: I think I can see my breath.
Beverly Hofstadter: We can hear you.
Penny: Sorry.
Amy: Sorry.

Quote from Raj

Howard: I'm sorry, you find this funny?
Raj: No, I was just thinking about Jurassic World. Boy, that was terrible.

Leonard: Oh, we have to use the stairs.
Alfred Hofstadter: When are they gonna fix your elevator?
Leonard: Uh, I don't- Any day now.
Alfred Hofstadter: Well, the stairs are fine. Besides, your mother is up there. Maybe I'll have a heart attack and not have to see her.

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Leonard: And, of course, Mom.
Alfred Hofstadter: Hello, my hateful shrew.
Beverly Hofstadter: Hello to you, you wrinkled old bastard.
Sheldon: All right, now I'm starting to sense a little tension.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: All right, you two, don't start. Penny and I are throwing this second wedding for your benefit. Can you please not ruin it?
Alfred Hofstadter: Of course. I'm sorry.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, look at that, you can apologize.
Leonard: Mom.
Beverly Hofstadter: I'm sorry.
Mary Cooper: You know, the Bible says forgiveness-
Sheldon: Mom.
Mary Cooper: I'm sorry.
Penny: Uh, who's hungry? We have a reservation at the best restaurant in town.
Sheldon: It only got three-and-a-half stars on Yelp.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: I'm not sorry. That's true.

Quote from Leonard

Beverly Hofstadter: Penny, I hope the example of my failed marriage to Leonard's father doesn't discourage you from the commitment you've made to one another.
Penny: No, of course not.
Beverly Hofstadter: Although Alfred and I had a lot more going for us than you two.
Leonard: Mom, please save something for the toast.

Quote from Amy

Mary Cooper: So, Alfred, what is it that you do for a living?
Alfred Hofstadter: Oh, I'm an anthropologist. I study ancient peoples and cultures.
Mary Cooper: My goodness, so all the way back to the Flood.
Sheldon: Don't laugh, she wasn't joking.
Amy: Play with your phone.

Quote from Mary Cooper

Alfred Hofstadter: Well, on that note, there are many cultures that have an apocalyptic flood as part of their mythology.
Mary Cooper: I don't have a mythology. I have the unerring Word of God. But that's very interesting.
Alfred Hofstadter: Oh. I, I didn't mean to disparage your faith. Actually, I admire it.
Mary Cooper: Really?
Alfred Hofstadter: Yes. Yes, I'm an agnostic myself. But I have prayed many times to God, to turn my wife into a pillar of salt.
Mary Cooper: Well, He came close. Turned her into a giant block of ice.

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Penny: So, what did we miss?
Alfred Hofstadter: Oh, just Mary and I getting to know each other a little.
Mary Cooper: Leonard, your father is just charming.
Beverly Hofstadter: He's also broke. Did he mention that?

Quote from Amy

Alfred Hofstadter: Now, one of the more exciting things to be found recently is that Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens frequently mated with each other.
Mary Cooper: Well, that certainly explains my marriage to Sheldon's father.
Sheldon: That's funny because my father was not a very clever man.
Amy: I'd be lost without you.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: What is happening there?
Sheldon: I think it's pretty obvious. They don't want dessert 'cause they filled up on bread.

Quote from Leonard

Penny: Come on, it'll be fun, and, you know, your mom was genuinely hurt we didn't invite her to the first one.
Leonard: Look, in our defense, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing, and also, we don't like her.
Penny: Leonard, come on, she's your mom. If we can do something to make her happy, why wouldn't we?
Leonard: I just said why, we don't like her.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Hey, look, then forget about her, let's do it for us. We could keep it small and informal. This time we can invite our families.
Leonard: Is your brother out of prison?
Penny: Thanks to overcrowding, yeah.

Quote from Amy

Penny: Okay, so it's not a legal ceremony, it's just a chance for us to redo our vows so everyone can be part of it.
Amy: So there's no maid of honour?
Penny: No.
Amy: Huh. But if I were to, say, wear a purple satin dress with a sweetheart neckline and stand near you, you wouldn't be able to stop me, right?
Penny: I don't see how I could.
Amy: Then I graciously accept.

Quote from Amy

Bernadette: Who's going to officiate?
Penny: I was kind of hoping you would.
Amy: Wait, now I'm just some lousy maid of honor?

Quote from Raj

Howard: Hey, I just got an e-mail from the U.S. Air Force.
Raj: Open it.
Howard: Hmm. "We request a meeting at your earliest convenience regarding your quantum guidance system, provisional patent 62/295118." That's weird.
Raj: Is there a window around here we don't know about?
Howard: I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
Raj: Yeah, of course. What else could it be? (loudly) Boy, do I love America!

Quote from Amy

Mary Cooper: It was so nice of Leonard and Penny to invite me.
Sheldon: Well, actually, I-
Amy: It sure was.

Quote from Howard

Howard: I can't believe I was so naive. The military is just gonna take over the whole project. And you know what happens if we object? We disappear. Like off the map. Like every American Idol winner since season four.

Leonard: Hey, I, I know things are a little rough with you and Mom, but I'm really glad you're here.
Alfred Hofstadter: Me, too. I should have never had that angioplasty because I feel fine.

Leonard: Penny's really looking forward to seeing you.
Alfred Hofstadter: Ah, she's a sweetie. You got a good one there, Leonard.
Leonard: Thanks, Dad.
Alfred Hofstadter: How the hell did you do that?

Quote from Raj

Howard: I don't know what to do. It's the Air Force. I mean, should I respond to their e-mail? Ignore it?
Raj: You can't ignore it. It's not that postcard that says it's time to go back to the dentist.

Quote from Raj

Howard: I'm just afraid if I respond, then they'll know I got it.
Raj: Oh, dude. The minute you opened that e-mail, they knew you got it. I mean, they're probably looking at you through the camera right now. (Howard closes the laptop, Raj re-opens it and looks at the camera) I love America!

Quote from Raj

Bernadette: Are you done with this nonsense?
Howard: It's not nonsense. This is how the U.S. military works.
Raj: Oh, if it's even the U.S. Military. It could be foreign military pretending to be American.
Howard: You're right. We turn our guidance system over to them, next thing we know, they're using it against us.
Raj: (Raj opens the laptop again) I also love the enemies of America.

Quote from Howard

Raj: Howard, there must be someone at the university you can go to for help.
Howard: Are you kidding? They're probably the ones who leaked it to the military in the first place.
Raj: What about the guy on the Channel Four News? You know, Four on Your Side? Maybe he can be on your side.
Howard: I'm being harassed by the government, not trying to get to the bottom of a dog-walking scam.

Quote from Raj

Bernadette: Oh, stop. You know what's really happening? All the movies you've watched, the TV shows, the comic books, they've completely twisted your thinking. No one's after you, no one's listening to you, no one cares about you.
Raj: I'd like to think the Four on Your Side guy cares about me.

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Penny: You know, Beverly, I know you and Alfred have your differences, but if you think about it, if you hadn't married him, there'd be no Leonard. So that's good, right?
Beverly Hofstadter: (unemphatic) Yeah.

Quote from Bernadette

Howard: He's flashing his lights. What's that mean?
Raj: I think he wants us to pull over.
Bernadette: Do not pull over. I'm not raising this baby alone.

Quote from Mary Cooper

Alfred Hofstadter: So, after your husband passed, you never remarried?
Mary Cooper: No, just focused on work and the church.
Alfred Hofstadter: Ah. And what do you do?
Mary Cooper: I work at the church.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Do you realize what's happening here?
Sheldon: Yeah, I do. They're filling up on bread and ruining their meal.

Quote from Leonard

Amy: What took you guys so long?
Leonard: Oh, we were following Howard, but for some reason, he turned off his headlights and went up a one-way street.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: (To Alfred) If I'd known you were broke, I wouldnt have made a big deal about the bread. (Moves a basket of bread over to Alfred)

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Uh, I would like to propose a toast to my wife and bride-to-be.
Sheldon: See, that's funny because-
Amy: Back to your phone.

Quote from Penny

Leonard: Penny, I've always known I loved you, but this last year has shown me that I also love being married to you. Thank you for saying yes.
Penny: Oh, thanks for asking until I did.

Quote from Howard

Bernadette: Come on, Howard, you're overreacting.
Howard: Am I? Am I? What do you want to bet some black ops guy is reprinting my high school yearbook and I'm no longer in it? That chess club picture is now just David Zimmerman and Elaine Cho.

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