Howard: Well, if you don't, you're gonna lose Priya to some fancy guy in a turban who grew up with Kama Sutra coloring books.
Raj: How can you be so racist?
Howard: Oh, come on, tell me I'm wrong.

Kripke: Siwi, can you recommend a restaurant?
Siri: I'm sorry, Bawwy. I don't understand "wecommend a westauwant."

Sheldon: [to Brent Spiner] You are now my mortal enemy.
Wil Wheaton: Don't worry it doesn't take up too much of your time.

Mary: Back home, there's a woman works at the Walmart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake.

Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon: Penny, you're not trained. You're not licensed. Most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look, we've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you Soft Kitty when you're sick. You even saw me naked once.
Leonard: I'm sorry. Uh, what?
Penny: It was a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.

Sheldon: Does this mean you're not going to sing Soft Kitty?
Mary: No, I will always sing you Soft Kitty. [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…
Leonard: [opens door] Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the oven?
Sheldon: Get out!
Mary: Well, that was rude.
Sheldon: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.
Mary: [sings] Happy kitty, sleepy kitty…
Sheldon: What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.
Mary: [to God] This is what I'm talking about. [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur…

Leonard: Penny, do you have plans for dinner?
Penny: Why, you guys going somewhere?
Leonard: No, just you and me.
Penny: Have you thought this through?
Leonard: Yes, and I think we should go anyway.

All: By the power vested in us, by the state of California...
Sheldon: And the Klingon High Council...

Penny: What's the gist, physicist?

Leonard: It's 3 in the morning!
Sheldon: 3 in the morning is a good time for bongos.
Leonard: I was sleeping!
Sheldon: Leonard sleep while I play bongos.
Leonard: No, I don't.
Sheldon: Leonard no sleep while I play bongos.

Leonard: You see, I used to be a jackass, but I stopped myself. I became a good guy. See, that's kind of my superpower. I'm like Captain Good Guy!
(Alice pushes him out, then slams door)
Leonard: It's okay. Did the right thing. *tightens his jacket* You idiot!

Leonard: Listen, Sheldon, this is stupid. I don't see why we can't be friends. And I'm willing to drive you around and help you out with stuff. I just don't want to do it because of some silly roommate agreement.
Sheldon: What are you proposing?
Leonard: That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation.
Sheldon: And how would I do that?
Leonard: You say thank you.
Sheldon: Every time?
Leonard: It's not crazy.

Sheldon: Excuse me, Leonard.
Leonard: Since when don’t you knock? It's like the only good thing about you.
Sheldon: Social niceties have been suspended, Leonard. We're in a state of a emergency. The world has descended into darkened turmoil. Lawlessness and savagery are the order of the day.

Leonard: Fine, what is it?
Sheldon: I'm making s'mores. I wanted to alert you in case you smelled caramelizing marshmallows and thought a nearby candy factory was on fire.
Leonard: S'mores, huh? Good for you.
Sheldon: Yes, or good for us if you sign here and reinstate the full roommate agreement.
Leonard: No, thanks. I'm good.
Sheldon: Really? Huh! Okay. In that case, I will have a s'more by myself. And then I'm gonna have s'more. By myself.

Sheldon: Power failure. Implementing power-failure protocol.
Leonard: What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark-emergency-exit stuff you had painted on the floor?
Sheldon: Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic. Anyway, it's too bad you’re no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency. Please try not to see anything by this light. It's not for you.
Leonard: It's just a blackout, I'm sure the power will be back on soon.
Sheldon: And I'm sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.