Althea: Sweetheart, go home. Come back when the contractions are five minutes apart for an hour.
Raj: I'm sorry. That's ambiguous. Is it five minutes apart starting at the top of the hour, or five minutes apart starting with the first contraction, so essentially, like, 65 minutes?
Althea: I'm just throwing this out there, but home births are very popular these days.

Althea: Now I see three of you. Do we know the father, or is this some Mamma Mia nonsense?

Althea: Okay, Dad, how far apart are the contractions?
Howard: No idea. Ask him.
Raj: 12 minutes.
Althea: 12 minutes? Why are you here?
Stuart: Aren't we supposed to get here an hour and a half early?
Althea: This is a hospital, not the airport.

Althea: Can I help you?
Sheldon: Yes. Do you have something I could use as a cape?
Althea: Oh, dear. Did we spit out our pills, slip out of the ninth floor, and go on a little adventure?

Althea: My, my, my. What do we have here?
Howard: I slipped and fell.
Althea: Yeah, we get that a lot.

Howard: Can you please just help me?
Althea: All right, all right. Hang on, stay calm. (Over the PA system) I need an orderly with a wheelchair. I got a robot hand grasping a man's penis out here.
Howard: You think you could be a little more discreet?
Althea: I'm sorry. We don't have a code for robot hand grasping a man's penis.

Howard: Excuse me.
Althea: Fill this out, have a seat.
Howard: No, listen. See, we're throwing my friend a surprise party and I'm supposed to keep him out of his apartment for two hours.
Althea: Uh-huh. Fill this out and have a seat.
Howard: No, the only way I could get him to leave is to tell him I ate a peanut. Because I'm allergic to peanuts.
Althea: Oh, well in that case fill this out and have a seat.
Howard: Look, all I need from you is to take me in the back and give me a band-aid so I can pretend I had a shot of epinephrine and then you tell my friend you need to keep me under observation for about an hour, hour and a half.
Althea: Is that all you need?
Howard: Yes.
Althea: Get out of my ER.
Howard: No, you don't understand.
Althea: Oh, I understand, but unfortunately this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid.

Leonard: Excuse me, my friend is having an allergic reaction to peanuts.
Althea: No, he's not.
Leonard: Yes he is.
Althea: Look, sir, we are very busy here and I just don't ... (Sees Howard's heavily swollen face) holy crap!

Althea: Fill these out.
Leonard: Thank you. We'll be right back.
Althea: Oh, take your time. I'll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait.

Leonard: Is this the high-IQ sperm bank?
Althea: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't be here.

Howard: Okay, I get it, I know how the world works. How about if I were to introduce you to the man who freed your people? (laying down a $5 bill)
Althea: Unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his 5 twin brothers, you are wasting your time.

Althea: What is this?
Howard: It's a robot arm.
Althea: Where's the rest of the robot?
Howard: I only built the arm.
Althea: Because that's all you needed, right?