Barry Kripke: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn't tell me we were doing this just to stick it to Sheldon.
Leonard: Well-
Barry Kripke: I messing with you. This sundae just got a cherry on top!

Howard: What do you think?
Barry Kripke: That ... is ... hilarious! Give me the remote control. I want to drive him into the girls' restroom.
Howard: All right, we're done. It's offensive.

Barry Kripke: Cooper.
Sheldon: Kripke, come in. I'm making tea. Would you like a cup?
Barry Kripke: Am I weawing a summer frock? No, I don't want tea. Let's get down to brass tacks.

Kripke: What's up, fellas?
Sheldon: What are you doing here, Kripke?
Kripke: Ah, measuring my new office for drapes.
Sheldon: This is not your office. It hasn't been assigned yet.
Kripke: Well, I called dibs at the Christmas party when Professor Rothman tried to have intercourse with the toys for tots collection box.
Sheldon: Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.
Leonard: You just called dibs.
Sheldon: Shut it. Offices are assigned by seniority. I arrived at the university first.
Kripke: I arrived at the office first. I'm the proverbial early bird.

Barry Kripke: Someone call Animal Control. There's a cougar on the loose.
Beverly Hofstadter: Barry, stop.
Leonard: Seriously, Barry, stop.

Barry Kripke: (Knocking) Hello! Some of us need to check our hair because we might have a shot with Leonard's mother.

Penny: Okay, everybody, Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he's a little embarrassed, so let's all be extra nice, okay?
Barry Kripke: What are you looking at me for? I'm a saint. (chuckles) But a sinner in the sack.

Amy: Hi. You're on Fun with Flags.
Barry Kripke: Hello. I want to talk about how lonely I am, too.
Raj: Kripke? Is that you?
Barry Kripke: Yeah, I'm just sitting here all by myself wondering if I'll ever find someone to share my life with. Preferably Asian, 18-24, no fatties.

Leonard: Can you give us a minute?
Barry Kripke: Take your time. I'll walk out backwards for dramatic effect.

Leonard: Hey, Barry, we're in trouble. We need liquid helium. Does the department have any we can use?
Barry Kripke: Sorry, there's a shortage. And what we do have I need for my quantum excitation study.
Sheldon: But you won't need much for that.
Barry Kripke: True, but if it's successful, I'm having a party with balloons.

Sheldon: Why would you do that? You're a string theorist as well.
Barry Kripke: Incorrect. I'm a string pragmatist. I say I'm going to prove something that can not be proved. I apply for grant money and then I spend it on liquor and broads.

Barry Kripke: Excuse me, fellas. Sorry for eavesdropping, but there actually was some big string theory news out of the Hadron Collider.
Sheldon: Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or super-symmetry?
Barry Kripke: No, but they did find evidence you'll believe anything

Barry Kripke: Heads up. Professor Rothman urinated in the physics lab again. So we're going to move up his retirement party. Friday 5 o'clock pot luck.

Raj: Don't talk to her (Siri) that way. She's a lady.
Barry Kripke: Well, that lady took high-res pictures of my junk last night for Craigslist. Later!

Barry Kripke: Listen to me. Not westauwant, westauwant. See, total cwap. You suck, Siwi!