Barry Kripke: Greg Pemberton, you old so-and-so.
Dr. Pemberton: Very good to see you. Uh, let me introduce you to my colleague, Dr. Campbell. Uh, Kevin, this is Barry Kripke. We went to college together.
Dr. Campbell: Great to meet you.
Barry Kripke: Well, you have my number. We should hit up the buffet at the strip club while you're in town. Nothing beats a lap dance and a baked potato bar, huh?

Barry Kripke: I heard the only work he did on his thesis was googling, "Where can I buy a thesis?"
Amy: Well, plagiarism is a pretty serious charge. Are you sure?
Barry Kripke: You want proof? I can make some calls.
Sheldon: You'd do that for us?
Barry Kripke: I really don't want to see that guy win a Nobel. I also don't want to see you win a Nobel. Ooh, this is tricky.

Kripke: If you need my nose, you'll find it firmly lodged up the rectum of the tenure committee.

Sheldon: Why would you do that? You're a string theorist as well.
Barry Kripke: Incorrect. I'm a string pragmatist. I say I'm going to prove something that can not be proved. I apply for grant money and then I spend it on liquor and broads.

Leonard: How was rock climbing?
Barry Kripke: He passed out. He just hung there like a big salami.

Leonard: Kripke.
Barry Kripke: What's up, fellas?
Howard: Did you screw us over?
Barry Kripke: Ooh, I can't tell you that. It's classified.

Barry Kripke: If you're not there, you'll be exposed to ridicule.

Barry Kripke: Hey, Hofstadter. Heard about your latest proton anti-decay experiment. 20,000 data runs and no statistically significant results. Very impressive.

Barry Kripke: Hello to you, too!

Howard: So what do you think? Can you make it work?
Barry Kripke: Uh, I just need to use the cross section to calculate the probability of the interaction.
Leonard: Can we help?
Barry Kripke: Yes. Why don't you run get me a can of Pringles.

Barry Kripke: Howard, I'm going to say something to you that everybody's thinking but nobody has the courage to say out loud. When you invite a man to a bachelor party, the implication is there will be strippers. Maybe not completely nude, but at least pasties and G-strings. That's not unreasonable!

Barry Kripke: All right, Hofstadter, here's all the proof you need.
Leonard: Great, thanks.
Barry Kripke: Just remember, once you take this envelope, there's no turning back.
Leonard: What if I look at it and decide not to use it?
Barry Kripke: I had not considered that. Got to hand it to you, you got a real talent for making things boring.
Leonard: Thanks.
Barry Kripke: Hey, look at that. You did it again.

Kripke: What's up, fellas?
Sheldon: What are you doing here, Kripke?
Kripke: Ah, measuring my new office for drapes.
Sheldon: This is not your office. It hasn't been assigned yet.
Kripke: Well, I called dibs at the Christmas party when Professor Rothman tried to have intercourse with the toys for tots collection box.
Sheldon: Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.
Leonard: You just called dibs.
Sheldon: Shut it. Offices are assigned by seniority. I arrived at the university first.
Kripke: I arrived at the office first. I'm the proverbial early bird.

Barry Kripke: Well, if you have any delusions about entering him against my robot, the Kripke Crippler, in the Southern California Robot Fighting League Round Robin Invitational - AKA the SCRFLRRI - his name is going to be Scrap Metal.

(O.S. - In video) Barry Kripke: As you can see, the Kripke Crippler is reducing the Chevy Cavalier to rubble.