Bernadette: The thing is, my mother worked full-time. I had to take care of my brothers and sisters.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Bernadette: Ugh, it was horrible. With their snotty noses and their poopy diapers and their little shrieky voices, always complaining. I don't want to get dressed. Joey keeps spitting in my mouth. This isn't the way Mom makes waffles. Well, okay, put your hand in here. Let's see how you like this waffle!

Bernadette: If you really want to help, put on a rubber glove, reach on up there and start pulling.
Penny: I know you're joking, but I grew up on a farm. I'll do it.

Bernadette: Halley's awake and ready for her party!
Howard: Be right up!
Penny: Ooh, I want to see the birthday girl.
Raj: I'd love to see her.
Bernadette: Walk slow. It takes a while to get this bra back on.

Bernadette: Why don't you stand up to them?
Howard: What am I supposed to say?
Bernadette: I don't know. Say, being mean is lame, what's cool is being nice.

Sheldon: It's remarkable. All that time spent in fear. And for what? He's magnificent. Oh, dear. I just realized I haven't offered you a beverage.
Bernadette: Oh, it's just like my grandma with her parrot. And after she lost her marbles with her remote control.

Howard: What's so funny?
Bernadette: Nothing. Just thinking about the noises people make during sex.
Howard: I do sometimes get a bit carried away, don't I?
Bernadette: It's cute. You sound a little like a drunken monkey. Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
Howard: You know it's meant as a compliment.
Bernadette: That's how I take it.

Amy: Okay, okay, here's the deal. I don't need your medicine. I'm not sick.
Bernadette: I don't understand.
Amy: I got better two days ago. It's just been so nice having Sheldon take care of me.
Bernadette: So you've just been lying to him?
Amy: See the stuff in my nose? Rubber cement.
Bernadette: I don't mean to be judgy, but this is the kind of thing lunatics do.

Bernadette: Hang on, you've had her for hours?
Raj: Yes. I picked her up, and then we both went for massages to try and calm down. And then we got Pinkberry.
Bernadette: So you knew she was okay, and you couldn't pick up the phone to tell us?
Raj: Well, I, I thought about-
Bernadette: Don't well me, mister. We've been worried sick. She could have been dead for all we knew. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Raj: Sorry. I, I just-
Bernadette: Sorry's not good enough. Maybe you need to take some time and think about what you've done. (ends the Skype call)
Howard: Nice guilt trip. You are gonna be an amazing mom!

Bernadette: Well, you were the one who was supposed to put her back in the stroller.
Howard: No, I wasn't. You were.
Bernadette: No, I wasn't.
Howard: Yes, you were!
Bernadette: Yeah, well, you throw like a girl.

Amy: I think you'd be great at that. Don't you agree, Bernadette?
Bernadette: Huh? I'm listening. I'm listening. I'm not watching The Crown.

Penny: This was a good idea. It's been a long time since we've had girls' night.
Amy: Yeah, it's so nice to have a relaxing evening at home doing nothing.
Bernadette: Yeah, really breaks up the other 30 days I've spent on bed rest doing nothing.

Leonard: That's right. It must be on my old laptop.
Raj: Well, let's go.
Howard: Hey, Bernie, you mind if I run to Leonard's and-
Bernadette: Get a laptop full of money? Why are you still here?! Go, go, go!

Bernadette: Sorry things worked out like that.
Raj: Because I'm in pain or because you don't have a spy anymore?
Bernadette: Let's just leave it at "I'm sorry." You're already sad.

Raj: I can't believe she dumped me.
Bernadette: This is tough for me, 'cause I can.

Bernadette: I never would've undermined a coworker.
Raj: What? Oh, please. Wh-What about that guy Eric, who you told it was "Bring Your Cat to Work Day" when you knew your boss had asthma?
Bernadette: That was just a hilarious prank that ended with me getting a corner office.