Howard: It feels like it wasn't that long ago we were here doing this for Halley.
Bernadette: 'Cause it wasn't. Which reminds me, before we leave, let's get you a vasectomy.
Howard: Oh, that's sweet, but today is all about you.

Bernadette: Well, she's nine months old, so unless it jingles or is in my bra, she doesn't care.

Bernadette: Hey, just a reminder, I'm going out for drinks after work.
Howard: Oh. Great. Just a reminder, you're pregnant.
Bernadette: I'm not drinking, just taking a new coworker out.
Howard: Oh. Just a reminder, you're married.
Bernadette: Female coworker. She's new in town, and I want to make her feel welcome. And let her know the office is full of liars before everyone tells her I'm mean.

Bernadette: One of the great things about being pregnant is drinking cranberry juice out of a wineglass and watching people freak out.

Amy: We just need a weekend date that's completely boring and uneventful.
Bernadette: Too bad you didn't get your ducks in a row, 'cause tonight would have been perfect.

Ruchi: Well, moving to a new city was a little scary, but the job seems great. Everyone's really nice.
Bernadette: Oh, they are. Super nice. I mean, only one of them took you out tonight, but it's not a competition.

Raj: Bernie!
Bernadette: Oh, damn.
Stuart: Hey! What are the odds?
Bernadette: Yeah, seren-frickin'-dipity.

Howard: Is she single?
Bernadette: I'm not setting her up with Raj.
Howard: What about Stuart?
Bernadette: Are you listening? I want her to think I'm not mean.
Howard: Okay. Well, it's just we have two single friends.
Bernadette: Howie, I just met this woman. Why don't I wait a little and get to know her? Maybe I won't like her, and then I'd be happy to ruin her life with Stuart or Raj.
Howard: That's all I ask.

Stuart: And, you know, Raj, I think it's great that you no longer live off your parents like a spoiled child. You live over someone's garage like a failed adult.
Raj: Yeah, well, you live with her.
Bernadette: Oh, it's not like that. He rents a room from me and my husband. Who, by the way, is no prize, either.

Raj: Hello. Rajesh.
Stuart: Stuart.
Ruchi: Hi. Ruchi.
Bernadette: Ruchi is my coworker. But that was probably in your briefing packet.

Amy: I'm just saying that my research may actually change the world forever.
Bernadette: I hope it does. 'Cause I'm going to see that world from a yacht so big you could land a helicopter on it!

Bernadette: At the office, I have two assistants! I don't even know their names. I just call them Thing 1 and Thing 2.
Amy: I don't have assistants.
Bernadette: I guess that's one of the benefits of being in the private sector. That and all the money I make!

Amy: You're right. We both do important work. I'm trying to map the structures of the brain and you're trying to convince people that itchy hair is a real thing.
Bernadette: It is a real thing! It happens to be a side effect of our cholesterol drug.

Amy: Yeah, you've got that. I've got my integrity. Hard to say which one is better without making you feel bad. I may not be making as much money as you, but at least I'm doing something that I know makes people's lives better.
Bernadette: Hey! My work makes peoples lives better. Especially if you have moderate to severe eczema and don't mind if you lose teeth.

Amy: The more I told him about my lab, the pissier he got. You know what he said to me? He said, "I hope all your correlations turn out to be specious."
Bernadette: He said that to your face? What a dick.