Bernadette: I'll tell you one thing. Lock the door.

Bernadette: Sounds fun. Can I play?
Howard: I don't know if you'd like it. It's kind of for gamers.
Bernadette: Hey, I'm a gamer. I play Candy Crush, Bejeweled, and Sesame Street Letter School, which I beat our daughter at every single time.

Bernadette: Hey, guys.
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Bernadette: You, uh, playing that, what's it called again? Fortnow?
Raj: Fortnite.
Bernadette: Right. I guess I forgot 'cause I only played it that one time and I was so bad at it.

Bernadette: Would you mind if I gave it another shot?
Raj: Mm, maybe later, Bern-
Bernadette: Give me. Where are you, Howard, where are you? Let me just build a little ramp, get some height.
Raj: You want to press B to go into build-- oh, wow, you already did it.
Bernadette: Did I? I'm just hitting buttons. Wee!
Howard: I see your ramp. I'm coming for you.
Bernadette: You can try, but (explosion sound effect)-
Howard: Gotcha. (chuckles)
Bernadette: Son of a bitch.
Howard: Want to play again?
Bernadette: No! Howard.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: I make more money than you.

Howard: What's all this?
Bernadette: Your magic tricks from the garage. Your wands, your top hat with the stuffed mouse inside.
Howard: I never had a stuffed mouse.
Bernadette: Okay, do not wear this hat.

Howard: Hello. I'm The Great Howdini from Altadena, California. I have no brothers or sisters and my favorite thing to eat is grilled cheese.
Raj: When does the magic start?
Bernadette: It already started.

Bernadette: Was she mad?
Stuart: Uh, no. I talked to her after. She said she's fine.
Howard: Oh, no.
Raj: Yikes!
Bernadette: You'll find someone new.

Howard: Everything okay?
Raj: Yeah, it's just Anu's doorbell camera. I helped her install it.
Bernadette: You can't look at it. That's spying.
Raj: Who the hell is this guy?
Bernadette: Ooh, let me see.

Bernadette: I can't believe you shot me.
Howard: I can't believe I did, either.
Bernadette: Right in the chest.
Howard: Sorry. That's gonna leave a bruise.
Bernadette: Yeah, a big one.
Howard: Does it hurt?
Bernadette: A little. Want to kiss it and make it better?
Howard: I do.

Penny: We're not gonna do anything.
Bernadette: Really? So all that work's for Leonard?

Howard: Honestly, I think you dodged a bullet. I don't think she was right for you.
Bernadette: Howie, shh.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: You can't bad-mouth Anu. They're gonna get back together, and you're gonna look like a jerk. I mean, remember when we broke up, and Penny said all those mean things about you?
Howard: What did she say?
Bernadette: I don't want to get into it. Some of it was hurtful, most of it was true.

Howard: So I'm just supposed to lie to my friend?
Raj: I don't want you to lie to me.
Bernadette: No one's gonna lie to you. (whispers to Howard) Lie.

Penny: Is it that anti-itch cream you were testing on grad students?
Bernadette: It's not, but that's a really funny story which I'm legally prevented from telling you.

Howard: It's her anti-inflammatory drug.
Penny: Oh.
Bernadette: Yep, three years of testing and no reported side effects.
Raj: Ah, so it works.
Bernadette: Eh.

Penny: I'm so happy for you.
Bernadette: Yeah, well, I'm happy for you, because I want you to head up my sales team.
Penny: Really? Me? Don't you want someone with more experience?
Bernadette: Nope. The job's all yours.
Penny: (laughs) Okay, well, thank you. Why don't we just chat about this at work?
Bernadette: We can chat about it all you want, but you're doing it.
Penny: (chuckles) We'll see.
Bernadette: That's a yes.