Bernadette: Hey, this isn't about me. I just wanted you to have your dream, and I wanted to control everything about how you looked and acted so that your victory was mine.
Howard: Well, that's honest.

Bernadette: Are you getting sick?
Howard: No, I have glitter in my nose.
Bernadette: Just your nose? Consider yourself lucky.

Howard: Hello. I'm The Great Howdini from Altadena, California. I have no brothers or sisters and my favorite thing to eat is grilled cheese.
Raj: When does the magic start?
Bernadette: It already started.

Bernadette: Trust me, I'm gonna be the pageant mom to you that my mom was to me.
Howard: I thought you hated your mom for making you do that.
Bernadette: More talk like that and you're not getting any dinner. Amazing how it all comes back.

Howard: What's all this?
Bernadette: Your magic tricks from the garage. Your wands, your top hat with the stuffed mouse inside.
Howard: I never had a stuffed mouse.
Bernadette: Okay, do not wear this hat.

Howard: Why is it all in the living room?
Bernadette: Because I think The Great Howdini deserves to be a member of the Magic Castle.
Howard: That's sweet, but I'm not that guy anymore. I've outgrown it.
Bernadette: [holding up Howard's costume pants in front of him] Have you?

Bernadette: Look, I know you still want this, and I can help you. All those pageants I did as a kid, I could teach you how to present yourself, connect with the judges, sabotage the competition.
Howard: Whoa, whoa, no one's sabotaging anybody.
Bernadette: Of course not. Little girls in ball gowns trip, it happens.

Bernadette: Come on, you're a good magician.
Howard: Really? You always called magic dumb.
Bernadette: You can be good at something dumb.

Bernadette: You know what, you should audition now.
Howard: It's fine. I don't need to be a member of the most elite magical society on the face of the earth.
Bernadette: Sounds like you still want it. And I don't want our kids to watch this tape one day and think their dad is a quitter.
Howard: Oh, we don't have to show it to them.
Bernadette: Oh, I'm definitely showing it to them.

Bernadette: Would you mind if I gave it another shot?
Raj: Mm, maybe later, Bern-
Bernadette: Give me. Where are you, Howard, where are you? Let me just build a little ramp, get some height.
Raj: You want to press B to go into build-- oh, wow, you already did it.
Bernadette: Did I? I'm just hitting buttons. Wee!
Howard: I see your ramp. I'm coming for you.
Bernadette: You can try, but (explosion sound effect)-
Howard: Gotcha. (chuckles)
Bernadette: Son of a bitch.
Howard: Want to play again?
Bernadette: No! Howard.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: I make more money than you.

Bernadette: Hey, guys.
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Bernadette: You, uh, playing that, what's it called again? Fortnow?
Raj: Fortnite.
Bernadette: Right. I guess I forgot 'cause I only played it that one time and I was so bad at it.

Bernadette: So you'll coach me?
Denise: Sure. Now let me ask you a question. Howard. Why?
Bernadette: You got eyes. What do you think?

Penny: Hey, ready for lunch?
Bernadette: Hang on.
Penny: Really, video games? Is this some sort of Freaky Friday thing where you're actually Howard?
Bernadette: Please, if I were Howard, I'd be doing this. [looks down at her breasts] You know what? He's not wrong.

Penny: All right, great, can we go?
Bernadette: In a minute. I want to show Howard I can play this game.
Penny: You know, you make a lot more money than he does. Can't you just rub his nose in that?
Bernadette: I can, but I want to rub his nose in this.

Bernadette: Sounds fun. Can I play?
Howard: I don't know if you'd like it. It's kind of for gamers.
Bernadette: Hey, I'm a gamer. I play Candy Crush, Bejeweled, and Sesame Street Letter School, which I beat our daughter at every single time.