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Quote from the episode The Stockholm Syndrome

Bert: You really think walking her is gonna help me meet girls?
Raj: Cinnamon is chick bait.
Bert: Good. 'Cause I'm not.

Quote from the episode The Stockholm Syndrome

Raj: And please, if you have any problems, any questions, call me immediately, okay?She's my baby.
Bert: It shouldn't come up, but just in case: where could I buy a dog that looks exactly like her? Kidding. If she dies, I'll just tell you.

Quote from the episode The Meteorite Manifestation

Bert: I don't really have dreams, when I sleep or in life.

Quote from the episode The Meteorite Manifestation

Leonard: You guys got a second?
Raj: Leonard, I told you, buddy. We don't need to use your laser.
Bert: Yeah, all we need is Terry Brad-saw. That's what I named my saw.

Quote from the episode The Meteorite Manifestation

Raj: Really? You're jealous of us?
Leonard: Yeah. I even had this crazy dream last night where I ate you both.
Raj: Seriously?
Leonard: Uh. I know. I was pretty out of it.
Bert: Who'd you eat first?
Leonard: Oh. Uh, you.
Bert: [chuckles] Nice.

Quote from the episode The Imitation Perturbation

Bert: All right, I'll tell you. I'm Maurice "Doc" Ewing, winner of the 1960 Vetlesen Prize, generally regarded as the Nobel Prize of geology.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah. Now I see it.
Bert: Ask me how I died. Spoiler alert: brain hemorrhage.

Quote from the episode The Imitation Perturbation

Bert: Really? An arranged marriage?
Raj: Yeah. I know how it sounds.
Bert: It sounds awesome. Is that just an Indian thing, or can I get a piece of that?
Anu: You know the woman has a choice, right?
Bert: There's always a catch.

Quote from the episode The Imitation Perturbation

Amy: (imitating Bernadette) Happy Halloween.
Sheldon: Who wants to see a magic trick? Oh, that's right. No one.
Bert: Ha! They're you.

Quote from the episode The Wedding Gift Wormhole

Bert: Wow. A scavenger hunt. That's exciting. I had a bit of a scavenger hunt myself last night. I was trying to find the remote. I looked under one of the cushions. Wasn't there.
Then I lifted the cushion a little higher. Bingo.
Amy: Riveting.

Quote from the episode The Wedding Gift Wormhole

Amy: So, do you know what it is?
Bert: Of course I know what it is. It's a silicon dioxide crystal, otherwise known as quartz.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Bert: Am I sure? Is basalt a mafic extrusive igneous rock formed by the rapid cooling of magnesium and iron-rich lava? Yeah, I'm sure.

Quote from the episode The Wedding Gift Wormhole

Amy: Okay, so it's quartz. That's got to mean something. What do we know about quartz?
Sheldon: I'll Google it.
Bert: Or you can ask me, the geologist who won the MacArthur Genius Grant.
Sheldon: Got it!

Quote from the episode The Wedding Gift Wormhole

Sheldon: Quartz, from the German "quarz" which sounds the same, but is spelled without a "T".
Amy: Interesting. No "T". What is not "T"?
Sheldon: Coffee!
Amy: The coffee shop where we first met!
Bert: All right, let's go. Sorry. I think I just had an adrenaline rush from having visitors.

Quote from the episode The Bow Tie Asymmetry

Howard: Welcome, Bert. Don't you look nice.
Bert: Yeah. Like a geode, I clean up good.
Howard: Don't you crack a geode open?
Bert: It's not a perfect metaphor.

Quote from the episode The Solo Oscillation

Bert: Hey, you want to hear one of my geology songs?
Raj: So it's about rocks?
Bert: Better. It's about a boulder.
Raj: Isn't that the same thing?
Bert: Far from it. A boulder has a diameter greater than 25.6 centimeters.
Raj: Is that fact in the song?
Bert: No ... yes.

Quote from the episode The Solo Oscillation

Bert: Alone in my temple in the middle of Peru, A giant stone ball with nothing much to do, But if you steal my idol, I will roll right over you, 'Cause I'm six tons of granite and micaceous schist, Yeah, I'm six tons of granite and,
Both: Micaceous schist, Yeah, I'm six tons of granite and, micaceous schist, Yeah, I'm six tons of granite And, uh, micaceous schist Yeah, I'm six-

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