Sheldon: I've been modeling different types of dark matter and the traces they would leave on the zircon inside your meteorite.
Bert: What's this one here?
Sheldon: That's actually a dark matter model of my own creation. I call it the Cooper Boson.
Bert: Cool. I got to name a rock once. I named it Moderately Sedimented Shale. Guess I kind of pooped the bed on that one.

Sheldon: Uh, let's-let's do it here, in-in the evenings, after everyone's gone home.
Bert: I just have to see if my evenings are free. That's a joke. They are.

Bert: I'm not asking you to play rocks. I'm asking you to collaborate on a research project. Although, if there's time, I guess we could play a round of zinc, zinc, piece of quartz.

Bert: Well, you know, we geologists always get a little sad when Rocktober's over.

Leonard: If you're that upset, go get her back.
Bert: I tried. She's not answering my calls. Which really hurts because I bought her that phone.

Bert: She's so perfect, sometimes I think she isn't real. And then she goes to the bathroom, and I know she is.
Penny: Aw, that's so weird.

Bert: Hey, Sheldon. Hey, Amy. It's Bert.
Sheldon: Hello, Bert. What is your flag-related comment or query?
Bert: I have a girlfriend.
Amy: And what does that have to do with flags?
Bert: Nothing. I just wanted everyone to know I have a girlfriend.

Bert: Good question. Let's see. Infoseek, WebCrawler, oh, HotBot.

Bert: Hey. Looks like I got stood up, so I'm gonna head out.
Amy: Oh, no. Are you sure you don't want to give her a few more minutes?
Bert: Nah, G-Harmony recommends after two hours, it's time to cut bait.

Amy: That's very nice of you, but I do have a boyfriend.
Bert: That's what you all say. You just don't want to go out with me because I have an off-putting personality.
Amy: No, that's not true. My boyfriend has an off-putting personality, too. Like, way worse than you.
Bert: Don't worry. I'm used to it. I mean, I'm big and weird and funny-looking and no one ever wants to do anything with me.

Bert: You know what, uh, geologists and Bon Jovi have in common?
Howard: You're both into rock?
Bert: Yeah.

Bert: So, anyway, there's this big, uh, rock and mineral show next week in Santa Monica.
Amy: Listen, um, Bert, before you say anything else, I- I have a boyfriend.
Bert: Oh. This is awkward. You thought I was gonna ask you to go with me to the mineral show.
Amy: Weren't you?
Bert: Yeah.

Bert: It's okay. I know I'm a monster.
Amy: No, Bert, come on. I'd love to go to the mineral show with you.
Bert: Sweet. It's a date. (Leaves Amy's office)
Amy: No, it's not.
Bert: Too late!

Bert: Thanks for coming to the mineral and rock show with me.
Raj: We’re sorry Amy didn't want to go.
Howard: Really, really sorry.
Bert: Eh. Who needs her when I have you guys? Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock show! Rock sho-o-o-o-ow!

Bert: (To Lucy, after speaking to Raj) You can do better!