Sheldon: We discussed it at length during our last video chat. Although how we got on to the subject of you is baffling.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, but we are on the subject, so I'm obliged to ask: Leonard, how are you?

Beverly Hofstadter: She's a remarkable girl. The youngest appeals court judge in New Jersey and a two-time Olympic gold medallist.
Leonard: You must be very happy.
Beverly Hofstadter: Why? I'm not marrying her.

Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of fathers, Leonard, I'm divorcing yours.
Leonard: What?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, he was cheating on me.
Leonard: No.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. With some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress! Oh, no offense dear!

Beverly Hofstadter: So, Howard, have you and Rajesh finally summoned the courage to express your latent homosexual feelings towards one another?

Beverly Hofstadter: Why didn't you tell me you're tapping my home girl? Did I say that right?

Beverly Hofstadter: How did his penis turn out?
Penny: Oh, Beverly. I can't talk to my boyfriend's mother about his penis.
Beverly Hofstadter: Fair enough. What, if anything, can you tell me about that busboy's penis?

Beverly Hofstadter: I've been responsible for my own orgasms since 1982.
Penny: Yikes.
Beverly Hofstadter: *laughs*
Penny: What's so funny?
Beverly Hofstadter: That's exactly what I say during orgasms: "yikes".

Beverly Hofstadter: Well, initially I felt something akin to grief and perhaps anger, but that's the natural reaction of the limbic system to being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.

Beverly Hofstadter: Your check engine light is on.
Penny: Yeah, I gotta put a sticker over that. So, you must be devastated about your divorce?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, not at all. Though I am a bit distressed to be a in vehicle that's not subjected to regular maintenance.

Beverly Hofstadter: It's all right, Sheldon. I will just pretend Leonard's not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioral ticks that accompanied you learning to masturbate.

Beverly Hofstadter: Excuse me, Leonard. I'm the one getting a divorce, Mitsy's dead, why are you the one making a fuss?

Beverly Hofstadter: Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from the neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University Press.

Penny: Yeah, Leonard mentioned you were a psychiatrist.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, that is one of my degrees. My primary field is neuroscience.
Penny: Oh, well, I'm an actress.
Beverly Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: What do you mean why?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, there are studies that suggest that many who go into the performing arts suffer from an external locus of identity.
Penny: Yeah, I don't know what that means.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, it means you value yourself only as others value you, which is often the result of unmet childhood emotional needs.
Penny: Oh, well, I had a wonderful childhood.
Beverly Hofstadter: Tell me about it.

Penny: It's out of order.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, I can read the sign. I was just pondering the implications.
Penny: I think it implies that the elevator doesn't work.
Beverly Hofstadter: Again, I can read the sign. But the sign and the tape are covered with a layer of dust which indicates the elevator has been non-functional for a significant period of time, which suggests either a remarkable passivity among the - I assume - 24-36 residents of this building - based on the number of mail boxes and typical urban densities - or a shared delusion of functionality.

Penny: You must be Leonard's mother.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, I don't know whether I must be, but yes.