Dr. Koothrappali: Hello?
Raj: Hey, Dad.
Dr. Koothrappali: Rajesh. What a nice surprise, calling me on my birthday.
Raj: Yes. That's why I'm calling. And-and what better gift to give you than the gift of marrying an Indian woman, just like you've always wanted.
Dr. Koothrappali: My goodness, Rajesh, this is exciting news. Who is she?
Raj: You tell me.
Dr. Koothrappali: What?
Raj: I want you to arrange a marriage for me. I'm just so tired of being single, and I'm finally just I'm-I'm ready to settle down.
Dr. Koothrappali: I can't just call up some girl's dad and make her marry you. It's-it's not 2015 anymore.

Dr. Koothrappali: All right. Let me ask you a question. What do you think of this woman?
Raj: Oh. Oh, my God, she's beautiful. Is that who you're going to set me up with?
Dr. Koothrappali: No! That's who I'm dating. But maybe she has an older sister.

Dr. Koothrappali: Son, don't take this the wrong way, but what's your problem?
Raj: I would tell you, but apparently it takes 45 minutes.

Dr. Koothrappali: I, too, was in a relationship with someone who made me feel bad about myself.
Raj: If you're talking about Mom, I don't want to hear it.
Dr. Koothrappali: I'm just saying, if you replace Howard with a nice 22-year-old grad student, your self-confidence will soar.

Raj: Uh, listen, I just wanted to let you know when you get my credit card bill, it might be a little high this month.
Dr. Koothrappali: Well, you're a grown man with a steady job. Why wouldn't you spend all your father's money?

Raj: I can't believe what I'm hearing. This is deeply hurtful.
Dr. Koothrappali: You're also too sensitive. Women don't want that either.

Dr. Koothrappali: You're an adult who can't get by without an allowance from his parents. Women don't want that.
Raj: What are you saying, that you're giving up on me? What kind of father gives up on his son?
Dr. Koothrappali: I have six children, five of whom are married and self-sufficient. I don't think I'm the problem.

Dr. Koothrappali: Oh, no, my grown son is going to stop spending all my money. Where did I fail as a father?!
Raj: Yeah, that's right. Keep asking yourself that! But I still love you very much, so don't cut me out of the will.

Dr. Koothrappali: Hello, Rajesh. Are you calling to ask for money?
Raj: What? No.
Dr. Koothrappali: Are you calling to ask for things that cost money?
Raj: No.
Dr. Koothrappali: Great. What's up?

Dr. Koothrappali: What seems to be the trouble?
Bernadette: Something's wrong. I don't care about any of the baby stuff every other mom is so into. Honestly, I'm not even sure I like babies.
Dr. Koothrappali: Look, some people are baby people, and some people are not baby people. It doesn't mean you won't love your own baby.

Bernadette: But I thought I'd be more excited.
Dr. Koothrappali: Oh, being excited isn't a guarantee of anything. Rajesh's mother was thrilled when she was pregnant with him. After he was born, she doted on his every move. And you know what happened? He broke her heart, moved halfway around the world, and dates only poor white women. So you never know.

Dr. Koothrappali: I see you got engaged.
Penny: Yes, we did.
Dr. Koothrappali: Let me tell you a story.
Raj: Dad.
Dr. Koothrappali: Sorry. I'm sure you won't grow to hate each other.

Penny: So, Dr. Koothrappali, long flight?
Dr. Koothrappali: Twenty hours.
Penny: Ooh, that's rough.
Dr. Koothrappali: Not at all. Did you know that when you fly Transcontinental without your wife, you don't pray for the plane to crash?

Dr. Koothrappali: Relax? Easy for you to say. Your mother isn't cleaning out your bank account. Forty years, the woman never cleaned a thing.

Raj: Hello Mummy, Daddy, how are you?
Mrs. Koothrappali: Pretty good, can't complain.
Dr. Koothrappali: Oh I'm sure you can. Just give it a minute.