Howard Wolowitz Quotes Page 1 of 72

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Quote from the episode The Consummation Deviation

Howard: It's okay. Here, let me show you again.
Mr. Fowler: It's like you're actually magic.
Bernadette: You can do that but you still can't get my bra off.
Howard: The rings don't roll their eyes at me.

Quote from the episode The Consummation Deviation

Mr. Fowler: Oh, how did you do that?
Howard: Sorry, a magician never shares his secrets.
Mr. Fowler: I'll give you a hundred bucks.
Howard: Sold!
Mr. Fowler: Okay. Hey. Where's my wallet?
Howard: VoilĂ !

Quote from the episode The Consummation Deviation

Howard: Well, if it helps, I was really nervous my first time with Bernie. Mostly because I was worried my mom would walk in.
Leonard: Did she?
Howard: Yea-- Yeah.

Quote from the episode The Consummation Deviation

Raj: I don't know how else to say this, but, um, Anu and I are going to have sex tonight.
Howard: Yeah!
Leonard: Do you know how creepy that sounds?
Howard: Yeah!

Quote from the episode The Consummation Deviation

Raj: Hey, Leonard, can you pause the game for a second?
Leonard: Uh, hang on. I'm about to beat Howard. [after Howard pauses the game] What? Hey!
Howard: He's our friend. What's up, pal?

Quote from the episode The Consummation Deviation

Howard: Guys, guys, there's a simple solution.
Raj: I am not breaking up with her.
Howard: All right. Let's keep thinking.

Quote from the episode The Consummation Deviation

Bernadette: And my dad has grown to really like Howard.
Howard: Yeah, there's a nice coolness between us.

Quote from the episode The Grant Allocation Derivation

[in the playhouse:]
Amy: Can you hear what they're saying?
Bernadette: Shh, I'm trying.
(cork pops)
[in the hot tub:]
Howard: Huh. Sounds like Penny's in there, too.

Quote from the episode The Grant Allocation Derivation

Raj: Hey, don't freak out, but I think there's someone in your playhouse.
Howard: Oh. Yeah, that's just Bernadette. She's been hiding out in there all week.
Raj: Really? Why?
Howard: I don't know. She's been a little overwhelmed at work. And, frankly, me and the kids are a lot. She just needs some downtime.
Raj: And you just pretend like you don't know?
Howard: Sure. That's how marriage works. Three years ago, I told her I got life insurance, and I totally didn't. (laughs) Someday, she's gonna find out. I'm gonna say, "Ha-ha! I know you've been hiding in the playhouse."
Raj: Why don't you just get the life insurance?
Howard: Whose side are you on?

Quote from the episode The Grant Allocation Derivation

Howard: I can tell you're stressed. If it helps, I withdraw my proposal.
Leonard: It doesn't help.
Howard: Fine. Then I'm back in the mix. Show me the money!

Quote from the episode The Grant Allocation Derivation

Leonard: I'm not just giving it to my friend, Barry. Your proposal is also in the mix.
Howard: Wait, so those are the three? You're not even considering mine? Why, because they're PhDs and I'm just an engineer?
Leonard: No, because they wrote detailed proposals, and you sent a YouTube clip of the guy from Jerry Maguire saying, "Show me the money!"

Quote from the episode The Grant Allocation Derivation

Leonard: Cute, but President Siebert trusted me with this, and I'm taking it seriously. If you have a legitimate request, you can submit it to me in writing, and I'll evaluate it based on its merits.
Howard: Sure, sure. Is "Jet Ski" one word or two?

Quote from the episode The Grant Allocation Derivation

Leonard: Uh, hold on, I'm not just gonna hand out money. There's a procedure you need to follow.
Sheldon: I believe he's referring to the traditional "kissing of the buttocks."
Howard: Should we form a line, or just do it like we're bobbing for apples?

Quote from the episode The Grant Allocation Derivation

Howard: So, what do you think? Pretty cool, huh? And when our kids outgrow it, we can Airbnb it to other people's babies.
Bernadette: Funny.
Howard: You all right? Sorry, I haven't had a second to myself. So let me just go back inside, finish my report, brush my teeth, change out of my pajamas, make a sandwich, and then I'll come out here and laugh at your joke.
Howard: Ooh. As long as you're making sandwiches- You can laugh at that one later, too.

Quote from the episode The Grant Allocation Derivation

Howard: I'm gonna hook up the garden hose, so it has running water.
Amy: Why does it need running water?
Howard: Same reason it's got electricity: Bernadette and I both work, and we're overcompensating.

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