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Howard Wolowitz Quotes Page 1 of 77

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Quote from the episode The Stockholm Syndrome

Howard: I was just looking at the map. Couldn't help thinking: we're here and they're there, and if anything happened, we'd have to go here to get all the way back there.
Bernadette: Why are you trying to freak me out?
Howard: This is our vacation. I thought we should do things together.

Quote from the episode The Stockholm Syndrome

Sheldon: All right, bagels down. Before we head to the airport, I'd like to go over a few things.
[others groan]
Sheldon: From the moment we step off the plane, each and every one of you is an ambassador for Amy and myself.
Howard: [to Bernadette] I told you these tickets weren't free.

Quote from the episode The Stockholm Syndrome

Howard: You still feel good about leaving them with Stuart and Denise for a couple days?
Bernadette: I guess. I just hope we don't miss Michael's first words.
Howard: Or Stuart's last words.

Quote from the episode The Change Constant

Bernadette: Please, that doesn't make you his best friend.
Howard: You know, that reporter asked me if I could put him in touch with Amy's best friend.
Bernadette: That's Penny.
Howard: [singsongy:] Doesn't have to be.

Quote from the episode The Change Constant

Bernadette: Why is this article about Sheldon all about you?
Howard: Let me see. Oh, good, they used my NASA picture.
Bernadette: Why does it say that you're his best friend? Leonard's his best friend.
Howard: No. Leonard has always been kind of a monkey butler. Whenever Sheldon got into a scrape, I was his go-to guy.
Bernadette: When did he get into a scrape?
Howard: You're kidding, right? W-- Remember when he had a panic attack 'cause his hand got stuck in a jar of olives? I was the one who told him to let go of the olives.

Quote from the episode The Change Constant

Reporter: Dr. Cooper, can I get a minute of your time? Hello?
Howard: Hey. Can I help you?
Reporter: Uh, yeah, actually. Um, I had an appointment to interview Dr. Cooper about the Nobel.
Howard: Hang on a second. Sheldon? [Howard enters Sheldon's office, finds him hiding behind his desk and shaking his head] Sorry, he's not here.
Reporter: Damn. I've got a deadline.
Howard: I don't know if it helps you at all, but I'm his best friend in the whole world.
Reporter: Really?
Howard: And an astronaut. Come on, you can buy me a cup of coffee, and I'll tell you about both.

Quote from the episode The Change Constant

Howard: Did anyone get to slap Sheldon?
Leonard: No.

Quote from the episode The Maternal Conclusion

Raj: How'd you get past security?
Howard: I had to buy a ticket. You owe me 1,300 bucks.

Quote from the episode The Maternal Conclusion

Howard: Raj! Stop! [panting]
Raj: What? What are you doing here?
Howard: Look if you're getting on that plane because you love Anu and you can't stand the thought of spending another day without her then go. If not then stay here with the people who love you.
Raj: But what if this is my last chance at marriage and family?
Howard: I promise you it's not. Believe me, somewhere out there is a woman who loves cooking shows and sweater vests and all the other dumb things you love.
Raj: You really think so?
Howard: Yes. And I don't think she's waiting for you in England. When you propose to someone in Notting Hill it should be to someone who knows what that movie is.
Raj: Are you saying you're just a boy standing in front of another boy saying you don't want him to leave?
Howard: Sure.

Quote from the episode The Maternal Conclusion

Raj: I'm flying out tomorrow. I'm gonna surprise her with a ring.
Bernadette: You already have a ring?
Raj: Well, it's the same one as before.
Howard: I thought you gave it to her the first time you got engaged?
Raj: I did, but I took it back.
Howard: So, you're an Indian giver?
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: What? If he's gonna move to England, I need to get all these out now.

Quote from the episode The Maternal Conclusion

Bernadette: So she's staying in London? What does that mean for your relationship?
Raj: It's great.
Howard: I can see why she would say that, but why do you?

Quote from the episode The Maternal Conclusion

Howard: It just feels like Denise is basically living with us. You know, maybe you can spend half the time at her place.
Stuart: Hey, when I moved in, you and Bernadette said it was okay if I brought girls over.
Howard: [laughs] Oh. We were making fun of you.

Quote from the episode The Maternal Conclusion

Bernadette: That's whose handwriting that is.
Raj: I've noticed she's been over here a lot lately.
Howard: You know how you noticed that? Because you're over here a lot lately.

Quote from the episode The Maternal Conclusion

Raj: How come we never eat in the dining room?
Bernadette: Oh, that's for company.
Raj: What am I?
Howard: Apparently, a guy who wants to have his feelings hurt.

Quote from the episode The Plagiarism Schism

Howard: Listen, I did something kind of stupid today.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: I went to The Cheesecake Factory to try to figure out who that waitress was.
Bernadette: Howie.
Howard: Don't worry, I didn't find out, because I realized I didn't even care. While I was there, I started asking myself, "Why does this mean anything to me?" And I guess the truth is it was all about my vanity. And why should I need to be validated by another woman liking me when the best woman in the world already loves me? And I just wanted you to know that. [chuckles]
Bernadette: The restaurant manager already called. You really creeped a lot of people out.
Howard: And I regret that. [chuckles] Because the only woman I want to creep out is the mother of my children.
Bernadette: Well, you're off to a good start.

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