Raj: It's interesting your father didn't help around the house and Howard doesn't help, either, so in a way, Howard's not only like your father, but he's also like the child that you're afraid to have.
Howard: Why are you still here?
Raj: Fine, I'll leave. But it sounds like somebody needs a fresh diaper.

Mike Rostenkowski: You gonna be okay down here?
Howard: Yeah. Yeah, I feel like an archaeologist. Indiana Jones and the Single-Family Dwelling.

Howard: Look, uh I don't even think you can take this wall down 'cause it's load-bearing.
Raj: Well, it's easy to find out. Just go into the crawlspace under the house and check.
Howard: When is your visa up?

Bernadette: Whatcha doing?
Howard: Oh! Making myself a bologna sandwich like my mom used to make me after my dad left, but before she died.

Howard: But what room?
Bernadette: How 'bout this one?
Howard: No way. No, this is the room I associate the most with my mom.
Bernadette: Then how 'bout the bathroom?
Howard: I want to change my answer.

Bernadette: Hey. You got a minute?
Howard: Not really. Visigoths are kind of up my butt right now.
Bernadette: Pause the game, Howard.
Howard: "Howard?" Uh-oh. Make room, Visigoths.

Bernadette: Look, I get that you grew up here and you're attached to things looking a certain way, but I want this to feel like my house, too.
Howard: Oh, honey, of course it's your house. Why else would you be cleaning it all the time?

Howard: May I say something?
Bernadette: Is it about how I can't have new wallpaper 'cause your dad left when you were little and your mom died?
Howard: Never mind.

Bernadette: Ew, check out his tiny teeth. He looks like a man-dolphin.
Penny: Wait, if he's good in bed, she can throw him a fish.
Howard: (high-pitched) I love you, Amy. (dolphin sounds)

Penny: Where do we stand on cross-eyed Mike?
Raj: You know he won't be looking at other girls.
Howard: Unless they're sitting on the end of his nose.

Bernadette: Hey, I thought you were gonna be out late?
Howard: If you wanted me to stay out later, you should've given me more spending money.

Amy: Uh, excuse me, can I have my phone back?
Howard: Hang on, I'm trying to find you the next great love of your life. The man who will father your children.
Okay, yes or no on white guy with dreadlocks?

Sheldon: Oh, there's a woman. I'll make her my girlfriend.
Raj: Whoa, whoa. Walking up to a strange woman in a bar usually doesn't work.
Sheldon: You're forgetting something. Ladies love jocks.
Raj: How many sips of that beer did he have?
Leonard: Three.
Howard: Oh, boy.

Raj: My name is Little Orphan Annie. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Howard: My name is Darth Vader. I am your father. Prepare to die.

Howard: My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.