Howard: How's that dinner coming?
Bernadette: I just put it in. It's gonna be a while.
Howard: I like rare chicken. Let's do this.
Bernadette: You could die.
Howard: (To Mike) Death by chicken. That's a pretty fowl way to go.

Howard: So, Mrs. Rostenkowski, you took that trip to the Grand Canyon. How was it?
Mrs. Rostenkowski: It was good.
Howard: Had no idea you were the chatty one.

Bernadette: Hey, Dad, maybe you could take Howard fishing sometime. Give you guys a chance to get to know each other better.
Howard: No, no. We know each other well enough. He's been talking my ear off all night.

Leonard: What are you doing?
Wolowitz: Well, he wasn't using it, and I needed some cool leather to wiggle my naked ass on.

Howard: Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. And you know, I have to say, I thought you'd be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.

Howard: When I was starting to do magic in junior high, I thought I could be an escape artist like Harry Houdini.
Raj: How did that work out?
Howard: Pretty good. I managed to escape friends, popularity, and every party thrown in a twelve mile radius.

Howard: Forty-three. What is forty-three? Besides my mom's neck size.
Raj: It's the atomic number for technetium.
Howard: That stuff's radioactive.
Raj: Do you think he's building a bomb?
Howard: It took him two years to put together that Lego Death Star. I'm not worried.

Raj: That's good quality video.
Howard: It better be. It's the same camera for the Mars rover.
Raj: How did you get your hands on that?
Howard: Million dollar camera. Ten dollar lock.

Raj: Wow. An end of an era.
Howard: Boy, if these walls could talk.
Leonard: They'd say, why does he touch himself so much?
Howard: Yeah.

Bernadette: Every time we eat dinner here, your mother refuses to let me help with the dishes.
Howard: Don't take it personally. She likes doing them by herself so she can lick the plates with no one looking.

Howard: My religion's kinda loosey-goosey. Basically, as long as you got your schmekel clipped and don't wear a cross, you're good.

Bernadette: Howie, you promised you'd move.
Howard: And I will.
Penny: Yeah, right.
Howard: I will. I'm obviously not going to live in my mother's house for the rest of my life. I'm not a child.
Penny: I've seen her burp you.
Howard: She did not burp me. She was patting me on the back, and I happened to burp.

Howard: All right, I've had enough of this. I'm a grown man, I have a successful career, for the love of God, I've been to space. I will move out when I'm ready, and I don't need anyone badgering me into it.
Penny: Wow, excuse me.
Howard: That was just for her benefit. I'll move tomorrow. I love you. Don't leave me.

Howard: I remember when I was five, hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy. Had some Peanut M&Ms, went into my first anaphylactic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. Came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock.
Raj: When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?
Howard: Sometime around the third Almond Joy.

Leonard: Okay. You want to start loading this stuff into the truck?
Howard: Yeah, I guess. Hey, would you do me a favor? Go on ahead. I just want one last moment alone in my old room.
Leonard: We're not standing outside by the U-Haul while you fondle yourself.
Howard: Fine, let's go.