Bernadette: Howie, I don't think I should do this.
Howard: Really? Well, I did not see that coming.

Bernadette: I'm a thrill-seeker, too. I've had to pull back since I became a mom, but I'll still jump on the back of a grocery cart and just roll through the meat section.
Howard: And I'm married to her, which is quite a ride.

Bernadette: So you don't want me to go?
Howard: No, I want you to go if you're gonna have fun. I don't want you to go if you're gonna be miserable and ruin it for everyone. Which is a long way of saying I want you to go!

Bernadette: Why didn't you invite me?
Howard: Because I know you. You don't want to float weightless in an airplane.
Bernadette: What are you talking about? I love doing crazy stuff like that.
Howard: Bernie, you got sick from the teacup ride at Disneyland.
Bernadette: Lots of people do.
Howard: We were still in line.

Howard: No, just the bachelor party I had planned. I thought we'd do it anyway.
Bernadette: Oh, so a guys' weekend?
Howard: Kinda. I mean, Sheldon and Leonard couldn't make it, so Raj invited Anu and I asked Stuart.
Bernadette: Wait, you invited Stuart before me?
Howard: Actually, I invited Bert before Stuart, but I don't know why I just told you that.

Leonard: Yeah, I can't go either. Penny's dad is visiting from Nebraska, and I haven't seen him for a while.
Raj: Oh, that's nice you guys get along. I forget, Howard, does your father-in-law still hate you?
Howard: He doesn't hate me. He's just disappointed that I'm not any other man on the planet.
Sheldon: That's how I feel about Ben Affleck as Batman.

Raj: Uh, if you still want to go, you can go to India and help my dad eat all the nonrefundable sushi.
Howard: Indian sushi? I need a change of underwear just thinking about that.

Raj: So, this week would have been my wedding if Anu and I hadn't decided to slow things down.
Howard: Oh, yeah, I would have forgotten, except for those nonrefundable airline tickets to India I bought.
Raj: I'm sorry.
Howard: No, no. What's $3,000 between friends? Yeah, I probably would've just thrown it away on health care for my children.

Howard: So, is there anything we can do?
Nathan: Absolutely. Do you know if they have permits for the balcony?
Bernadette: Oh, no. We were hoping you could check.
Nathan: I certainly can. I just need you to fill out a form, and we have them available in Armenian, Chinese, Cambodian, English, Farsi, Korean, Spanish and Vietnamese.
Howard: Well, English, obviously.
Nathan: Well, we're not allowed to presume. That was a whole other meeting.

Nathan: Now, how can I help you?
Bernadette: Our neighbor built a balcony that looks right into our backyard, and we're trying to see if there's anything we can do about it.
Nathan: Well, you have come to the right place. You know, a lot of people handle this type of thing online, but I always say nothing beats the human touch. Oh, but don't worry. I'm not gonna actually touch you. We had quite the informative meeting on that.
Bernadette: We just want a little privacy in our backyard.
Howard: You know, for (clicks tongue)... Maybe we should've done this online.

Bernadette: So we just fill out the form and that's it?
Nathan: Oh, no. No, you need to fill it out, and then you need to bring it down to the Office of Code Compliance. Now, if your neighbors don't have a permit, you can file an official complaint, but if they do have a permit, then you have to make the case that the balcony constitutes a nuisance, an encumbrance or an encroachment, and you have to decide which, because they are three totally separate forms.
Howard: This is starting to seem like more trouble than it's worth.
Nathan: I know, right?

Howard: And then Andy said if we want privacy, we should plant some trees. The only way I know how to do that is to give a dollar and tree shows up in Israel.

Howard: And his new balcony looks right down on our hot tub, which meant we couldn't do anything.
Raj: So you gave your kids Benadryl for nothing?
Howard: Why do I share with you? You're such a yenta.

Bernadette: So, can you turn your lights off?
Andy: Sorry, they're motion-sensored. They'll go off in a minute. Just try to stay still.
Bernadette: (door closes) What are we gonna do about this?
Howard: I say we wait until his lights go off, and then I make hot, motionless love to you. Don't move. It's go time.

Andy: Howdy, neighbors! We haven't met yet. I'm Andy.
Bernadette: Oh. Hello. Nice to meet you. You know, your new balcony kind of looks right over our fence.
Andy: You might want to put up some trees. We can see everything.
Howard: You can, but it's okay if you don't.