Howard: What's the matter?
Bernadette: Every time I spend the night, your mom slaps me on the behind and says, go get 'im.
Howard: It's not her fault. She's getting hormone replacement therapy. Makes her crazy horny.

Howard: Oh, guys, I just remembered. I got you some Hawking souvenirs.
Leonard: What are these?
Howard: Gears and springs from his wheelchair. Pretty cool, huh?
Raj: Wow, that's amazing.
Howard: Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went.

Howard: All right, Sheldon. There's only one thing left I want you to do. Don't worry, it's an easy one.
Sheldon: Okay.
Howard: Give me a compliment.
Sheldon: Fine. You have very tiny hands.
Howard: No, about my job. I want you to tell me I'm good at what I do.
Sheldon: You're obviously good at what you do.
Howard: Well, then why are you always ripping on me?
Sheldon: Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It's just that what you do is not worth doing.
Leonard: It's nicer than anything he's ever said to me. I'd take it and run.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.

Howard: Now, I downloaded an app that might be helpful in this situation.
[whip cracks]
Sheldon: You're right. I'm smart as a whip. I should be able to figure this out.

Howard: Look, if you don't want to go to the party, just don't go. You're a grown man. Act like one. Tell Amy you want to spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends!

Howard: Bernadette's going to be playing with us. So, that's pretty cool, huh? Right? Sure it is, yeah.
Raj: What, you invited your girlfriend? This is supposed to be our weekend.
Howard: I had no choice. Last night, she said, why don't we go out for brunch tomorrow and then maybe the Arboretum. And I said, well, no, I promised the guys I was going to play a video game with them all weekend. And she said, that sounds like fun, can I come, too? And then I didn't answer for a second, and then she said, well, do you not want me to come? And then I bought her a new laptop and the game, and she's parking the car right now.

Howard: Sometime through the night an armadillo fell in, then he spooned me.

Wolowitz: I'm so dehydrated. My pee's like toothpaste.

Sheldon: There it is again! Do you feel that?
Howard: The growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yes.

Howard: Why don't I talk to him about it in May?
Bernadette: In May, you're gonna be on the International Space Station.
Howard: They got a phone.

Sheldon: It's like I'm living in a dictatorship. You must take a vacation, you must have fun, you must enjoy life.
Howard: I don't think you have a good handle on dictatorships.

Howard: I got pretty exciting NASA news today. Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills.
Penny: What does that mean?
Bernadette: He's gonna to learn to poop in space.
Howard: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
Raj: Maybe your nickname should be "Brown Dynamite."

Bernadette: Howard doesn't make me do his shopping, or take him to the dentist, or pick up his dry cleaning, right?
Howard: Absolutely. But when Ma's hips give out, you're up, kid.

Raj: I'd like for you to call me sexy.
Siri: [chimes] From now on, I'll call you sexy. Okay?
Raj: Okay!

Howard: She (Siri) is gonna break his heart.