Howard: Okay. Okay, I know you're upset, but let me share something I've learned since I got here. You realize how small your problems are when you're looking down on them from space. Now, come on, that's got to make you feel better.
Bernadette: How clear is the image of me on that screen?
Howard: Pretty clear.
Bernadette: Do I look like I feel better?
Howard: I mean, it's not, like, HD quality.

Dimitri: Hey, Froot Loops. You got a phone call.
Howard: Who is it?
Dimitri: A woman who says she's your mother but sounds like your father.

Howard: No, it's okay, it's your Millenium Falcon. You and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening.

Sheldon: I've got a brand-new seven piece set of polyhedral dice. Hello, new dice smell.
Leonard: I've got my helm of lordly might, my boots of speed, and if things get too exciting, my inhaler of asthma.
Raj: I got my new bloodthirsty savage warrior who will lay waste to all who stand before him. And I had a sensible salad for lunch, so I can eat all the pizza I want.
Howard: Come on, are we gonna sit around chatting like a bunch of teenage girls, or are we gonna play D&D like a bunch of teenage boys who are never gonna have sex with those teenage girls?

Howard: The love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he's ever seen, and he's overcome with a desire to rip her armor off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks, well, just like Sheldon, 'cause apparently she’s into that.

Leonard: You know what? Let's just get a pizza.
Sheldon: Good idea. We'll go to Corleone's.
Howard: Sure, no mobsters there.

Raj: Dude, I'm a single man. Saturday night is my party night.
Howard: Really? What do you got going on?
Raj: I don't know. Maybe drive down to Hollywood, hit a few hot spots, see if I can get lucky.
Howard: Yeah, tell me if this sounds familiar. You pay fifteen dollars to park, you stand on the pavement for an hour until you break down and give the bouncer twenty bucks to let you in. You push your way to the bar, where you drink an eighteen dollar cosmopolitan, then you stare at a pretty girl and imagine your perfect life together. Your children, grandchildren. Meanwhile, she leaves with a guy who claims he wrote Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Then you give up on anyone ever loving you, go to Marie Callenders, buy a pie and eat it in your car in the parking lot.
Raj:What time should I be at your mother's?
Howard: I told her around seven.

Penny: I can't believe you let him kick me out of the car.
Howard: What could we do? He's the Travel Supervisor.

Howard: Hey, Bernie?
Bernadette: Yeah?
Howard: Please tell me he's your gay cousin.
Bernadette: No. He was one of my professors in college.
Howard: Oh! That's a relief.
Bernadette: Then we went out for a year.

Howard: That green bag is Dr. Cooper's. Here's an extra five. Make him wait.

Howard: I'm just thinking. If you had sex with that guy, I mean, there's nothing I can do here that will make any kind of ... impact.

Raj: I've been doing some research on strippers. One agency I spoke to, said I could get us a great price if we're flexible on age range and number of limbs.
Howard: Sounds like loads of fun, but I promised Bernadette no strippers.
Raj: You don't want strippers? You're the king of strippers. The one club in North Hollywood named a pole after you.
Howard: What can I tell ya, I'm not into that stuff any more.

Raj: The only threesome I've ever had in my life, and I'm proud to say it was with this man right here.
Howard: Oh, please shut up.

Howard: Thank you for picking us up. There's a warning, right there, on the Scotch bottle. "You cannot be operatin heavy machinery after you had a snootful of this, laddie!"

Bernadette: Is there anything else about your past I should know?
Howard: Couple things, but, you know, most of them happened overseas. I'll tell you later.