Howard: What you've got to keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I've been the whole world to my mother. I mean, she'd be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can't.
Bernadette: You mean sexual intercourse?
Howard: Well, when you say it like that you make it sound creepy.

Raj: You'd think it'd be because my parents didn't love me, but actually they loved me a great deal.
Howard: Bernie, it's not you. She's just set in her ways.
Bernadette: How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?
Howard: It's the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you.

Doctor: Mr. Wolowitz?
Howard: Is she okay?
Doctor: It wasn't a heart attack. She's awake, she's resting comfortably. We're still running a few tests.
Howard: Can I see her?
Doctor: Actually, she said, and I quote, she'd like to see the little Catholic girl first.
Bernadette: Me? Why me?
Howard: Jews have been asking that for centuries. There's no real good answer.

Bernadette: Okay, well, wish me luck.
Howard: Dont worry, you'll be fine. Let's just hide Mr. Cross. If it touches her, it burns.

Doctor: You brought a Catholic girl home to your mother?
Howard: Yeah.
Doctor: Why don't I write you a prescription for Xanax.

Howard: Is it just me, or does she sound sexy when she's angry?

Leonard: You're kidding. 3-D?
Bernadette: That's what I hear.
Howard: Then the studio must have real faith in it.

Howard: Oh great it's my cousin David about the ring. Hey David what'd you find? Sure half a carat is fine. Her freakishly small hands make anything look big. It's one of the reasons I love her.

Leonard: I can't believe we're going all the way to San Diego to confront this guy.
Howard: Yeah, we're kind of badasses, aren't we?

Howard: All right, here we are, this is the tavern where all the black-market weapon trades go down.
Raj: I don't think my character should be in a place like this. Everyone's undressing her with their eyes.
Howard: Maybe if you stop dropping your sword and bending over to pick it up.

Raj: I have a hip-hop aerobics class at five, could we go after?
Sheldon: Sure.
Howard: Also, tonight's the Sabbath and my mother and I have a tradition of lighting the candles and watching Wheel of Fortune, so If we could leave at eight, we'd still be able to regain our birthright at ten, ten thirty latest.

Sheldon: I'm sorry, I thought this delay was so you could watch Wheel of Fortune with your mother.
Howard: I am. She's just bleaching her mustache. Check it out. Hey, Ma! Before and After! Four words, 17 letters, two N's, one V.
Mrs. Wolowitz: (offscreen) Fanny pack of wolves.
Leonard: That's incredible.
Howard: Yeah, she's kind of a Wheel savant.

Howard: New puzzle, Ma. Same name. One N, two D's, three O's.
Mrs. Wolowitz: (offscreen) Whoopi and Rube Goldberg!
Sheldon: That's uncanny.
Howard: I know. It's her superpower. Well, that and jiggling her arm fat.

Leonard: Uh-oh.
Raj: What's the matter?
Leonard: Something's wrong, I'm not getting any gas. Anybody know anything about internal combustion engines?
Sheldon: Of course.
Raj: Very basic.
Howard: 19th-century technology.
Leonard: Does anybody know how to fix an internal combustion engine?
Sheldon: No.
Howard: No, not a clue.

Sheldon: Thank you, Penny.
Penny: No problem. So, Leonard, I think it's interesting you didn't call your girlfriend to come get you.
Leonard: Uh, I kind of told her I was working.
Penny: So you lied to her. Also interesting.
Leonard: Yeah, she doesn't really understand the whole Warcraft adventure-role-playing thing.
Penny: Well, doesn't matter if she gets it, as long as she's pretty.
Howard: This one's funny, Leonard. How come you couldn't make it work with her?